How to Practise Polyamory

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW

Last Updated: November 3, 2022

Polyamory is the practice of being intimately involved with more than one person in an open and honest way. People who identify as polyamorous may date or live with multiple partners and be in love with more than one person at a time. To practice polyamory, you will need to establish rules and guidelines with your partners. You will also need to manage your time so you can connect with your partners as equally as possible. Make sure you communicate and listen to the needs of your partners so all your relationships are healthy and loving.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Establishing Rules and Guidelines

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1
Raise the idea of polyamory with your partner in a private setting. If you are in a monogamous relationship and want to explore polyamory with your partner, bring up the subject at home. Find a time when your partner is open to chatting, such as after dinner or before bed. Be honest and upfront about the idea. Express your reasons for wanting to make the relationship polyamorous.^{[1]
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- You may think about your reasons before talking to your partner. Have a few good, valid reasons for bringing up the idea so you are prepared for the discussion.
- For example, you may say, "Listen, I've been thinking about this for a long time and what would you think about being polyamorous? I love you and want to be with you, but I also think it may be healthy for us to open up the relationship and see other people."
2
Explain that you would set guidelines and rules together. You can also tell your partner that there is no right way to be polyamorous and that you would both have to agree on boundaries and rules for your relationships with others.
- For example, you may say, "We can decide how our polyamorous relationship works" or "We would work together to make polyamory work for us."
It may take time for your partner to embrace the idea of being polyamorous. Be patient and give them time to think it over. Do not pressure them or force them.
4
Accept if your partner says "no" and discuss your options. Try not to make them feel bad if they say "no" to being polyamorous. It is not for everyone and it should only be done if both partners in the monogamous relationship agree to it. You and your partner may then discuss the status of your relationship. Consider whether the relationship is for you, or if you need time apart.
- For example, you may say to your partner, "I appreciate you being honest with me. Let's work on our relationship together, as a monogamous couple" or "I understand that you are not comfortable with the idea of polyamorous. Can we talk more about the status of our relationship?"
5
Agree to tell your partners about other people you are seeing. A big part of being polyamorous is being honest with your partners and not lying or hiding your other relationships. If you are in a committed relationship and want to be polyamorous, sit down with your primary partner and agree that you will tell each other about other people you are dating. Decide how much detail you will provide when you tell your partner about other partners.^{[2]
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- For example, you may agree to tell your partner whatever they’d like to know about your other partners, from their name to their profession to how often you are going to see them.
- You may both also agree to be open to meeting other partners and interacting with other partners as a couple, and as individuals.
- If you are not in a committed relationship, you should still establish clear rules with your other partners. Outline them with each partner so you stay honest and open with each other.
6
Try the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Some polyamorous people agree to have a policy in which they do not share the details of their other partners. Instead, they agree to trust one another and give one another the freedom to see whoever they want. Some people prefer this if they do not want to know about their partners’ other relationships.^{[3]
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- Keep in mind if you grow uncomfortable with this policy, you can always sit down with your partners and discuss being more open with this information.
7
Discuss how and when you are going to tell others that you are polyamorous. You can agree to disclose you are polyamorous with a potential partner before you become sexual or intimate. This will ensure you are being honest with the potential partner and keeping things transparent.^{[4]
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- For example, you may agree to say to potential partners early in the relationship, “I want you to know before we go further that I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my primary partner. This means we are open to being with other people and maintaining multiple relationships.”
- Or you may say, “I want you to know I’m polyamorous. This means I am intimate with other people at once and am not monogamous with one person.”
- You may then outline the rules and guidelines you have established so they are aware of what they are getting into. Make sure your other partners know that you are not going to want to be monogamous with them at any point in the relationship.
8
Decide if the polyamory is sexual, emotional, or both. Some people have relationships outside of their main relationship that are strictly sexual. Others have partners that they connect to sexually and emotionally. Discuss what you and your primary partner are most comfortable with. Be honest about what you want from other relationships so the boundaries are clear.^{[5]
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- For example, you and your primary partner may agree to only have other relationships that are sexually fulfilling. The emotional aspects of a relationship may be limited to just you and your primary partner.
- Or, you and your primary partner may agree to have other relationships that are sexual and emotional in nature.
9
Discuss any relationship areas that are out-of-bounds. Make sure you tell your primary partner if you do not want others to have access to certain areas of your relationship. For example, if you both have children, you may both agree to keep your other partners separate from your children’s lives. Or if you both own a home, you may agree to be with other partners outside of your shared home.^{[6]
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- Some polyamorous people will keep the boundaries loose and open to encourage their other partners to feel welcome and part of their lives. Others may maintain strict boundaries and then loosen them over time. Do what feels right for you and your partners.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Spending Time with Different Partners

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1
Schedule in time to see each partner. Use a calendar on your phone or a day planner to schedule in time with each of your partners. If you are part of a polyamorous couple, you may plan your dates away from your primary partner on the same night so you are both out and one of you is not left alone at home.^{[7]
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- You can share a main calendar online with your partners so you can all communicate and organize the schedule together. This will keep things transparent and honest.
2
Try to spend equal time with each partner. If you are part of a couple, you may agree to spend the majority of your time with your primary partner, and then equal amounts of time with your other partners on the weekend or certain weeknights. Or you may reserve certain nights or days to your other partners.^{[8]
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- You may also try to spread out your time equally among each partner. For example, you may alternate weekends with different partners or have certain days of the week where you only spend time with one particular partner.
3
Plan different activities or dates for your partners. Treat each partner like an individual and think about how you can enrich each relationship. Arrange dates that suit each partner. Plan quality time with each partner doing an activity you both enjoy. Make sure the time you spend with each partner is fulfilling to you both.
- For example, you may arrange a night out on the town with one partner who likes to be social and go out. You may then arrange a night in and take out with another partner who prefers to hang out at home.
- Do your best to spend quality time with each partner. Sometimes it can be stressful, and expensive, to go all out all the time when you are seeing multiple people. Try to make the time with each partner feel meaningful to you both.
4
Consider asking your partners to spend time with each other. Some polyamorous people are okay with their partners seeing one another as friends. Others encourage their partners to also be with each other on a romantic or sexual level. This is entirely up to you and your partners. You may find it easier to see multiple people if they know each other and are comfortable spending time with each other.^{[9]
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- For example, you may introduce your partners to one another at a party or a social gathering. Or you may introduce them more formally to your primary partner by bringing them to your home.
- Make sure you talk to your primary partner first to make sure they are comfortable being around your other partners before you introduce them.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Maintaining Healthy Relationships

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Transparency, honesty, and trust are the key aspects of a successful polyamorous relationship. Do not lie or hide relationships from your partners, especially your primary partner. Keep the lines of communication open so all your partners are aware of what the boundaries and rules are.^{[10]
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2
Accept that you may be possessive or jealous of other partners. It is natural to get jealous or possessive of your partners, especially if they are polyamorous as well. Try to accept and acknowledge your feelings of jealousy or possessiveness.^{[11]
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- You should be prepared for your partner's jealousy as well, as they may experience jealousy over your other partners.
- If you are really struggling with these feelings, consider telling your primary partner, or other partners, about it. Discussing it openly may help you accept and move past your feelings.
3
Try to perform "compersion" with your partners. "Compersion" is a term for a feeling of joy you get when you witness your partner being well loved by another. It is considered the opposite of jealousy and is experienced by many polyamorous people. It usually develops naturally over time as you get used to being with multiple people at once.^{[12]
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- For example, you may feel compersion when you see your primary partner being appreciated by another partner in a loving way. Or you may feel compersion when you see one of your partners being given affection in a positive way by another partner.
4
Be sex positive with your partners. Being sex positive means communicating your sexual needs clearly to your sexual partners. It means asking for what you want and being open to responding to the needs of your partners. Because you may have multiple sexual partners as a polyamorous person, being sex positive will ensure your sexual relationships with others are healthy and fulfilling.^{[13]
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- Being sex positive also means communicating when you do not want to be sexual or participate in activities you do not desire. You should also respect the sexual boundaries of others and not force your partners to do anything they do not want to do.
5
Practice safe sex with your partners. Make sure you use protection, such as condoms or birth control, with your partners. Always get tested for STDs and other diseases before you initiate sex with your partners. Confirm that your partners have been tested and are using protection before you engage in sexual acts with them.
- Be open and upfront about practicing safe sex with your partners. Make it one of the main things you discuss with your partners before being intimate with them so you can all be safe and have healthy sexual relationships.
Look online for polyamory groups or chapters in your area. Join social media groups for people who are in polyamorous relationships. Talk to friends who are in open relationships or who are polyamorous so you can connect in person with others who share your approach to relationships.

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Warnings

Over time, 1 or more partners may wish to change your agreement. This is natural and should be addressed when it comes up.

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Come up with a plan to decide what will happen if a partner becomes unexpectedly pregnant. You may need to discuss who will be responsible for the child, especially if 1 of the biological parents is not a member of your relationship.

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