10 Reasons You Still Miss Your Ex and How to Deal with Those Feelings

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Is it normal to miss your ex?

Co-authored by Lisa Shield and Ali Garbacz, B.A.

Last Updated: February 9, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Possible Reasons
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• How to Move On
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• Is it normal to miss your ex?
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• Should you tell your ex?
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• Should you get back together?
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• Expert Interview
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• Expert Q&A

|Show more |Show less

Getting out of a relationship can be hard for many different reasons, and you might find yourself missing your ex as you navigate this change. That’s okay. A lot of people still think about their ex even after they’ve broken up, so your feelings are completely valid. The important thing is that you acknowledge these feelings and find a healthy way to cope. We’ll list out the reasons you may still be missing your ex and give you solid advice about how you can start moving on. If you think getting back together with your ex is the right move, we have helpful advice about that as well.

Things You Should Know

• You may be missing your ex because you still contact them, see them on social media, or see them when you hang out with mutual friends.
• Another reason you might miss them is that you never got closure and aren’t allowing yourself to grieve the end of the relationship.
• Cut off contact with your ex and remind yourself why your relationship didn’t work out to help you move on from you them.

Steps

Section 1 of 5:

Reasons You Miss Your Ex

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1. 1
   You’re still talking to your ex. One reason you might be missing your ex is because you’re constantly being reminded of them. Whether you’re seeing their posts on social media or still texting them, it can be easy to start thinking about how much you miss them if they still have a large presence in your life. While cutting them out of your life completely can be a scary thought, constantly being reminded of them may not be helping you move on either.

   • You might also still see them on a daily basis if you share the same friend group or are a part of the same social circle.
2. 2
   You’re feeling lonely. When someone as significant as a partner leaves, it’s natural to feel lonely. You and your ex probably spent a lot of time together, whether it was going on dates frequently or actually living together. Feeling lonely is completely valid, and it’s important to recognize that it might take some time to fill the hole they left behind.

   • In an abusive or toxic relationship, your ex might have intentionally tried to isolate you from people you were once close to, like your friends or family. This can make your loneliness feel even worse after a breakup.
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3. 3
   You’re not allowing yourself to grieve. Just like any other kind of loss, a breakup can be painful and often requires a period of grieving to truly move on. However, if you simply tell yourself to “Get over them” and “Hurry up and move on,” you’re not allowing yourself to grieve your loss in a healthy way. This might lead you to miss them even more since you haven’t yet fully come to terms with the end of your relationship and what that means for you.
4. 4
   You’re missing the familiarity of being with them. Your ex was a familiar presence in your life, and you probably had a routine with them that you enjoyed. Now that they’re gone, you might feel like your world has been turned upside down and everything might just feel strange. In this case, you may be missing the familiarity and routine you had with them more than you actually miss them.
5. 5
   You didn’t get any closure. If your breakup happened out of the blue, it’s natural to feel a little lost and like you never truly got closure. They might have given you an extremely vague reason for ending things, or maybe the breakup felt very impersonal. Because of that, you might have lots of ruminating thoughts and constantly be thinking about what went wrong. With this lack of closure, it can be really hard to move on.
6. 6
   You only remember the good times. It’s natural for any relationship to have a mix of good and bad moments. However, after breaking up with your ex, you might find yourself only focussing on the good memories you have of them. If you only remember them in the best light, it’s easy to tell yourself that you miss them and what you had.

   • If you were in an abusive relationship, you may be dealing with the aftereffects of trauma bonding. This is when an abuser alternates between hurting their partner and making up for it with affection and care.
   • The reason you might be missing an abusive partner is that you’re only remembering the times they showed such care and concern for you.
7. 7
   Your ex was the center of your world. When you were in a relationship, you might have made your ex your number one priority. Now that they’re gone, you might not know what to do. This might be especially true if you were in a toxic relationship where your partner acted selfishly and always put their needs above yours. In that case, you might have come to depend on them in many ways.

   • You might also be having a hard time defining your sense of self after your breakup.
   • If you were in a toxic relationship, your ex might not have given you a lot of room to explore your own interests, and you might have mostly found purpose in being with them.
8. 8
   They made you feel like you don’t deserve anyone else. Unfortunately, a toxic and abusive partner isn’t above making belittling comments to control the relationship and get what they want. While you were together, they might have said things that made it seem like they were the only ones who would ever love you and that no one else will want you in the future. Now, you might be missing them because you believe there’s no one else out there who could love you like they did.
9. 9
   You’re grieving the loss of the future you could’ve had with them. When you were with your ex, it’s totally normal if you found yourself picturing a future where you two ended up in a happy, long-term relationship together. After breaking up, you might find yourself missing this ideal future and the person you thought you’d end up with.
10. 10
    You’re holding onto the hope that things might still work out. Even though your relationship has ended, you might still be hoping that things will change and allow you and your ex to get back together. If you were in an abusive relationship, it’s very possible that your ex made all kinds of promises telling you that they’d change but never actually fulfilled those promises. You may simply be missing them because you’re still holding onto hope that they’ll change.
11. 11
    You feel like there’s more you could’ve done. You might be constantly thinking about your ex because you feel like there must’ve been more you could’ve done to help them or salvage your relationship. This might be especially true if you had an abusive partner who constantly put the blame on you when things went wrong.

    • Unfortunately, abusive partners often use manipulation tactics like gaslighting to make you feel like you were the reason your relationship didn’t work out.
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Section 2 of 5:

How to Move On from Your Ex

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1. 1
   Cut off contact with them. Distance yourself from your ex by using the no-contact rule. Unfollow or delete them from your social media, stop texting or calling them, or delete their contact information completely if you feel ready to take that step. You don’t have to cut off contact forever, but taking a few weeks or months might be good in helping you move on.

   • If you don’t feel ready to delete them from social media, at least avoid interacting with their posts. Don’t like or comment on their posts and avoid making any posts that include them.
   • If your ex won’t stop contacting you, change your phone number to give them one less way to reach you.
   • If you and your ex are in the same social circle, take a break from group activities if you know they’re going to be there.
   • If your ex is giving you mixed signals, like sending you gifts after the breakup, set boundaries with them and try not to engage.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 582 wikiHow readers who've had exes send them gifts, and 66% of them agreed that the best way to handle the situation is by ignoring or deleting them. [Take Poll]
2. 2
   Spend time with people who love and care about you. To fight off those feelings of loneliness, make an effort to spend lots of time with close friends and family who you know will take of you. Ask your friends to hang out on the weekend, take a trip with your family, or just call someone you’re close to during the week. It may not be the same as being with your ex, but the people closest to you will know how to cheer you up and make you feel loved.

   • Don’t be afraid to talk to your loved ones about what you’re going through. If they truly care about you, they’ll be willing to listen and offer comfort and advice when it’s needed.
   • Talking with friends and family about a breakup can also help you organize your thoughts and express your feelings about missing your ex.
3. 3
   Allow yourself time to properly grieve your loss. Grieving is a very personal process and looks different from person to person. You might find that you feel totally fine after just a couple of weeks, or you may still be feeling sad even months after your breakup. There’s no correct way to grieve, and you’re allowed to take as much time as you need. Don’t give yourself a hard deadline to “get over it.” Instead, acknowledge your emotions as they come and take time to really understand them.

   • One idea is to keep a journal to write down all of your thoughts and feelings. Self-reflecting as you acknowledge your loss is a large part of beginning to move on from your ex.
4. 4
   Make a new routine for yourself. If you miss the familiar routine you and your ex once had, make an effort to create a new routine for yourself with activities that replace where your ex once was. Spend time with friends or family when you might’ve usually been with your ex, put more time and effort into your hobbies and interests, or find a new hobby to dedicate yourself to.

   • If there’s something you and your ex used to do together that you don’t want to give up, find someone else to take their place.
   • For example, if you and your ex were taking a cooking class together, recruit a friend to accompany you to the next lesson and make new memories with them.
5. 5
   Write your ex a letter to get closure. If your relationship suddenly ended but you felt like you didn’t get proper closure, take some time to write a letter to your ex and tell them everything you want to say. Tell them the things you wish they had done better, why you didn’t think your relationship could have worked, and your own personal reasons for ending things. Consider this an opportunity to say the goodbye you may not have gotten.

   • When you’re done, rip up or burn the letter to symbolize how you’re letting your ex go and the official end of your relationship with them.
6. 6
   Remind yourself why the relationship wasn’t working. It’s possible that you’re missing your ex because you only remember the good things about them and your relationship. If that’s the case, take some time to remind yourself about why your relationship wasn’t working and the things your ex did that you didn’t like. Write down a list of all the negative sides of your relationship and identify any of your ex’s toxic traits to give yourself a more realistic view of your relationship.

   • If you feel comfortable talking about it, ask your friends and family if there were any negative they noticed about your relationship.
7. 7
   Redefine your sense of self by rediscovering your passions. After getting out of a relationship, you might feel a bit lost and like you don’t completely know who you are without your ex, especially if they acted selfishly. Take some time to get to know yourself once again after your breakup. Rediscover your passions and interests, talk with people who make you feel confident in yourself, and look for new experiences that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Ask yourself these questions to get reacquainted with yourself:

   • What am I interested in?
   • What do I like to do for fun?
   • What kind of people do I like to be around?
   • What are my goals?
   • What are my personal beliefs and values?
8. 8
   Focus on caring for your physical and mental health. The time after a breakup can be confusing, chaotic, and lonely, but that means it’s even more important that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. Get adequate sleep each night, eat 3 meals a day, and exercise regularly to combat stress. Relax and give your mind a break by going for a walk, meditating, or sitting quietly with a good book.

   • Avoid using harmful substances such as drugs or alcohol to cope with the situation.
   • If you feel like you’re at risk, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s helpline at 800-662-4357 for referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community organizations.
9. 9
   Be kind to yourself and talk to yourself positively. If your ex left you with doubts about your self-worth, be extra kind to yourself and make an effort to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. While it can feel hard to pick yourself back up after being with your ex, using positive affirmations to boost your self-esteem and making an effort to show yourself some self-love can help immensely. Here are some positive things to say to yourself:

   • I am loved by many.
   • I am a strong person.
   • I deserve to be loved and cared for.
   • I am capable of anything I set my mind to.
   • I am worthy.
10. 10
    Give dating a try when you feel ready. There’s certainly no rush to start dating again if you don’t feel ready. However, getting out and connecting with new people can help you move on from thoughts of your ex and introduce you to some really great people. Only start dating if you genuinely feel interested in meeting new people and not just because you want to make your ex jealous.

    • Give online dating a try to start talking to new people right away.
    • Or, have a trusted friend set you up with someone they think is good for you.
    • If you’re more outgoing, talk to someone new the next time you go out with friends or make an effort to chat with more people at places like work or school.
11. 11
    Talk to a therapist if you need more support. Talking with a trained therapist about your feelings can help you work through your emotions and process your thoughts after a breakup. Along with listening, your therapist might also be able to walk you through healthy coping mechanisms and guide you along the way as you work to move on.
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Section 3 of 5:

Is it normal to miss your ex?

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1. It’s completely normal to miss someone you were committed to. The fact of the matter is that your ex was likely a pretty significant part of your life. After breaking up, you’re not only losing someone you might’ve felt a connection with, but you’re also losing the familiarity and sense of comfort they might have given you.

Section 4 of 5:

Should you tell your ex you miss them?

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1. Tell your ex you miss them only once you feel like you’ve moved on. Texting or telling them “I miss you” when you’re still hurting might, unfortunately, end up backfiring, especially if you don’t get the response you were hoping for. Wait until you have a clear mind and feel more confident being without them before deciding to tell them you miss them. If you feel like you need to tell your ex you miss them, it might be best to manage your expectations in case you don’t get the response you were hoping for.
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Section 5 of 5:

Should you get back together with your ex?

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1. Ask yourself if things will actually improve the second time. While there are plenty of people who get back together with their exes, ask yourself honestly if you think getting back together will be good for you. Do you think they’ll change? Are you willing to make changes to make your relationship work? If you do decide to get back together, establishing clear boundaries and working on communication is going to be extremely important in making things work.

   • Attending couples counseling is a way to be proactive in making your relationship work the second time. Here, a therapist can help you work on communicating and understanding each other’s boundaries.

Expert Q&A

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• Question

  Should I get back with my ex?

  

  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach

  Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

  

  Lisa Shield

  Dating Coach

  Expert Answer

  The truth is that if it didn't work, there were issues and problems in that relationship. There was drama and real stuff that wasn't working. Before getting back together, you need to make sure this has changed. A partner might need to go to therapy, learn how to interact better, how to listen, how to communicate, or how to have boundaries.

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Warnings

• If you think that you’re at risk of abusing substances such as drugs or alcohol as a way to cope with your situation, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s helpline at 800-662-4357 to get referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community organizations.
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