This article was co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.
This article has been viewed 385,981 times.
You find yourself in an awkward situation. You've been friends with a guy for a few months, or even a few years, and suddenly, it's become painfully obvious that he has a crush on you. Now you want to let him know that you value his friendship but don't see him as anything more than a friend. So, how do you tell him without hurting his feelings? Just follow these steps.
Pick the right time and place. If there's no question that your guy friend is suddenly getting butterflies in his stomach every time he sees you, it's time to let him know you don't feel the same way before things get out of control. But if you want to deliver the news in the best way possible, you have to pick the right time and place so he's comfortable and receptive, although you don't want it to seem like a date.
Pick a place that is not romantic. If you tell him the news at a nice restaurant, or while the sun is setting on the beach, he'll be thrown off guard. Tell him at a place where you would never go on a date.
Tell him in the morning or during the day. The nighttime is more romantic.
Pick a place where you'll be relatively alone and away from his friends. You don't want him to be embarrassed if other people hear you deliver the bad news.
Pick a time when he's not likely to be busy or stressed-out. Don't tell him the night before a big exam, or when he has an incredibly busy day at work.
Don't dawdle. Once you know he likes you, don't wait too long for the perfect moment to say something. The longer he doesn't know how you feel, the more hurt he'll be.
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Prepare what you'll say. If you want to tell him in the most effective way possible, then you should prepare what you'll say in advance. If you don't know exactly how you'll explain that you don't like him romantically, you'll be much more likely to make things more awkward or to get caught in a web of excuses that make everything worse.
Prepare to keep it simple. You won't have to go into all of the reasons why you only like him as a friend.
Practice your tone. Say everything you plan on saying aloud so you feel more comfortable when the time comes.
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Predict his reaction. Before you tell him, you should predict how he'll react. Will he be shocked into silence, or hurt? If the guy is your friend, you should have some inkling of how he'll react, so you should prepare to react accordingly.[1]XResearch source
If he's a shy and sensitive guy, then he may not have much to say afterwards. Think of a few reassuring words you can say, or even a few light-hearted comments, that can make it easier.
If he's going to be really hurt, prepare to support him. You don't have to apologize for not liking him, but you can be there for him and tell him not to be so upset. He's a great guy, and he'll definitely find someone else.
Be honest. Don't waste time beating around the bush. Just tell him that you know he likes you, and that you're just not interested in him in that way. Tell him you wish it was different and know that it puts you in an uncomfortable place, but that you just don't see him as more than a friend.
Tell him that it wasn't easy for you to open up about this, but that it was necessary. He'll appreciate that you valued him enough to tell him the truth.
Validate his feelings and let him know you appreciate that he's giving you a compliment of sorts, but redirect the conversation and explain that you're really not interested.[2]XExpert SourceAlysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Licensed Relationship TherapistExpert Interview. 11 August 2021.
Just because you're being honest doesn't mean that you should get into the top five reasons why you would never date him. If you're not feeling it, that's okay -- but you don't have to make him feel flawed or not good enough for you. Try to be kind and acknowledge how vulnerable he must be to open up to you like this.[3]XExpert SourceAlysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Licensed Relationship TherapistExpert Interview. 11 August 2021.
Alicia Oglesby is an Academic Counseling Expert based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She is currently pursuing a PhD in Education at the University of Pittsburgh and working as a Graduate Research Assistant. She was previously employed as the Associate Director of College Counseling at the Winchester Thurston School. Prior to that, she worked as a Director of School and College Counseling at 4 other secondary schools. With over twelve years of experience in academic counseling, Alicia specializes in academic advising, social-emotional skills, and career counseling. Alicia holds Professional School Counseling Certifications in both Washington DC and Pennsylvania. She has created a college counseling program in its entirety and developed five programs focused on application workshops, parent information workshops, essay writing collaborative, peer-reviewed application activities, and financial aid literacy events. Alicia holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and a Master’s in Clinical Counseling and Applied Psychology from Chestnut Hill College.
Address romantic interest with kindness. If a friend likes you romantically but you only see them platonically, address this kindly but clearly. Note their positive qualities while conveying your feelings honestly. Explain why you value their friendship but don’t share romantic feelings so you both feel comfortable moving forward.
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Be firm. Don't be wishy-washy about it. If you don't like him, you don't like him. Don't say that you're not at the right place in your life to like him right now, or that you'll think about it in a year, once you're done with school. This will only make you look like a flake. The more firm and clear you are, the more he'll get the message and will leave you alone on the romantic front.[4]XResearch source
Though it sounds harsh, the most important thing is to not give him hope. If he thinks there's even a chance that you'll like him later, he'll keep waiting for it to happen.
Remember that being firm doesn't mean that you have to be cruel.[5]XExpert SourceAlysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Licensed Relationship TherapistExpert Interview. 11 August 2021. You don't have to say that there's a 0% chance that you'll ever get together, or that there's no way you'd ever go out with him. You will essentially be saying this -- but in a nice way.
Don't apologize. Though the situation is uncomfortable, and you feel bad for him, you can't help how you feel.
3
Don't lie or make excuses. The worst thing you can do is lie about why you won't go out with him instead of being honest and just saying you're not feeling it. Though you may think that a lie or an excuse will make him feel less rejected, the opposite is actually true. He'll be able to tell if you're bluffing from a mile away, and that will only make him feel worse. If he's really your friend, then you should respect him enough to tell him the truth.[6]XResearch source Here are some excuses you want to avoid:
Don't say, "My life is just so crazy busy right now." No matter how busy you are, you'd be able to make time for someone special. This will only make him feel unimportant, and even more hurt if he sees you with someone else a few weeks later.
Don't say, "It's not you, it's me." Don't make up excuses about how you need to work on yourself before being in a relationship, or that you don't know how to commit or that you have low self-esteem. If you really wanted to be with him, you would be.
Don't say, "You can do so much better than me." Don't put yourself down as a way to make him feel better. He won't.
Don't say, "I like you but I don't want to ruin our friendship." Unless he's your best friend in the world, how many times is that one true?
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Say how much you value his friendship. This should be absolutely true. Let him know that he really is an important friend to you, and that you're so lucky to have him. Though you shouldn't say you don't want to date him because he's such a good friend, do say that you hope this doesn't get in between your friendship, and tell him that he's been such an amazing friend to you.
Be sincere. Make eye contact and speak slowly to let him know how much he really means to you.
You don't have to go overboard. Don't spend twenty minutes extolling his greatest features. He'll begin to think, "If I'm so great, then why won't she date me?"
5
Take the time to listen to him. Once you've said your piece, it's likely that he'll have something to say back to you. Maybe he'll ask some questions, ask what he could have done differently, or just tell you he's hurt. Or he'll even show that he's a bit mad, and you'll see that his pride is wounded.[7]XResearch source
Whatever his reaction, take the time to let him talk to you while you nod, listen, and ask questions at the right time. Don't let it feel like a one-way exchange.
Don't interrupt him. If he talks, you'll have a better sense of how deep his feelings are, and it can help you see where the friendship stands. You may find out if he has a harmless crush or has been in love with you for years.
Don't make it awkward. After you've told him your news, you should avoid being awkward about it. After your conversation, it's likely that you'll still see each other, so don't avoid him, blush, or try to run away if you see him. Just keep hanging out with your group of friends, and be nice when you see him.
Don't make things more awkward by telling everyone what happened. If you're in the same group of friends, then everyone around you will be making things awkward too.
2
Take a break. Though you can eventually resume your friendship, you should take it easy for a little while. Remember that time you liked a guy who didn't like you back? Well, did you love hanging out with him after you found out the truth? Probably not. He may be hurting just by being around you, so try to cool it on the solo-friendship front.
You can still be nice if you see him in groups, but don't invite him out to movies, coffee dates, or whatever it is you used to do all the time every chance you get.
Don't ignore him completely. You can invite him somewhere once in a while so he doesn't feel like you're avoiding him. But wait for him to initiate the friendship move.
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Go back to being friends. It may take time for you to go back to being friends with the guy after he revealed his feelings. But in many cases, this is completely doable, as long as there isn't too much water under the bridge. Give it a few weeks, or even a few months, and resume hanging out just like you used to. Who knows -- maybe you'll even be able to laugh about the situation one day, or find out that you're developing a crush on the guy two years down the road.
Unfortunately, there are some cases where it's just not possible for you to return to your former friendship. The guy may feel too hurt or embarrassed, and being around you may only make him feel worse. If this is the case, then accept it and move on.
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Reject Guys Gracefully with this Expert Series
Dealing with a guy who has a crush on you is awkward, and it's extra awkward when you want to be friends with him. Use this expert series to reject a guy without losing his friendship.
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.
Acknowledge how much courage and vulnerability it took for him to be upfront with you. Then, explain that you aren't attracted to him in that way but that you really love the friendship you have now.
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.
Be honest and explain why you aren't interested. You might mention that you don't feel any chemistry between the two of you, that you're already in a relationship, or that you're interested in someone else.
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This article was co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post. This article has been viewed 385,981 times.
It can be awkward when a friend likes you but you’re not interested in him romantically, but you can break it to him without hurting his feelings. All you have to do is pick the right time to talk and be firm when you tell him. Before you tell him how you really feel, find a time when he's relaxed and comfortable so he’ll be more receptive. You also don’t want to send mixed signals, so avoid picking a romantic place, like a nice restaurant. When you tell him, keep it simple and direct. Tell him you know how he feels, but you don’t see him as more than a friend. While you can say you wish you felt differently, don’t give him hope that you might change your mind in the future or he might not leave you alone. Make sure to tell him that you value his friendship and listen to his feelings so you can answer any questions he has. For more help, including how to maintain your friendship after telling him, read on.
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Pick the right time and place. If there's no question that your guy friend is suddenly getting butterflies in his stomach every time he sees you, it's time to let him know you don't feel the same way before things get out of control. But if you want to deliver the news in the best way possible, you have to pick the right time and place so he's comfortable and receptive, although you don't want it to seem like a date.
Prepare what you'll say. If you want to tell him in the most effective way possible, then you should prepare what you'll say in advance. If you don't know exactly how you'll explain that you don't like him romantically, you'll be much more likely to make things more awkward or to get caught in a web of excuses that make everything worse.
Predict his reaction. Before you tell him, you should predict how he'll react. Will he be shocked into silence, or hurt? If the guy is your friend, you should have some inkling of how he'll react, so you should prepare to react accordingly.[1]
Be honest. Don't waste time beating around the bush. Just tell him that you know he likes you, and that you're just not interested in him in that way. Tell him you wish it was different and know that it puts you in an uncomfortable place, but that you just don't see him as more than a friend.
Be firm. Don't be wishy-washy about it. If you don't like him, you don't like him. Don't say that you're not at the right place in your life to like him right now, or that you'll think about it in a year, once you're done with school. This will only make you look like a flake. The more firm and clear you are, the more he'll get the message and will leave you alone on the romantic front.[4]
Don't lie or make excuses. The worst thing you can do is lie about why you won't go out with him instead of being honest and just saying you're not feeling it. Though you may think that a lie or an excuse will make him feel less rejected, the opposite is actually true. He'll be able to tell if you're bluffing from a mile away, and that will only make him feel worse. If he's really your friend, then you should respect him enough to tell him the truth.[6] Here are some excuses you want to avoid:
Say how much you value his friendship. This should be absolutely true. Let him know that he really is an important friend to you, and that you're so lucky to have him. Though you shouldn't say you don't want to date him because he's such a good friend, do say that you hope this doesn't get in between your friendship, and tell him that he's been such an amazing friend to you.
Take the time to listen to him. Once you've said your piece, it's likely that he'll have something to say back to you. Maybe he'll ask some questions, ask what he could have done differently, or just tell you he's hurt. Or he'll even show that he's a bit mad, and you'll see that his pride is wounded.[7]
Don't make it awkward. After you've told him your news, you should avoid being awkward about it. After your conversation, it's likely that you'll still see each other, so don't avoid him, blush, or try to run away if you see him. Just keep hanging out with your group of friends, and be nice when you see him.
Take a break. Though you can eventually resume your friendship, you should take it easy for a little while. Remember that time you liked a guy who didn't like you back? Well, did you love hanging out with him after you found out the truth? Probably not. He may be hurting just by being around you, so try to cool it on the solo-friendship front.
Go back to being friends. It may take time for you to go back to being friends with the guy after he revealed his feelings. But in many cases, this is completely doable, as long as there isn't too much water under the bridge. Give it a few weeks, or even a few months, and resume hanging out just like you used to. Who knows -- maybe you'll even be able to laugh about the situation one day, or find out that you're developing a crush on the guy two years down the road.
Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFTAlysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.
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