This article was co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.
This article has been viewed 353,343 times.
You meet a guy and he is absolutely lovely, really, really great. However, you have a boyfriend or you are plain just not interested in pursuing him romantically. The problem is that he wants to be more than friends. This is a how-to for the savvy female, who wants to remain friends without hurting anybody.
Remember that he is your friend. He will only ever be your friend: The key here is to be oblivious. When he starts dropping hints about how good you two would be together, just shrug it off with a laugh. If he tells you about how much he likes a 'girl,' but she does not seem to notice, just nod sympathetically and say "that sucks" or "that's too bad, you really deserve better." Then, quickly change the subject.
2
Make him see the value of your friendship: Talk about your boyfriend, commiserate with him over your life dramas, make it clear that you are absolutely comfortable with him because, to you, he is sexless. He will start to realise that you value him as a confidante and he will be even more reluctant to wreck things by needlessly confessing his feelings.
3
Let him see the negative side of you: You might be prone to gossiping, hate children, really messy or you swear way too much. When guys fall in love or 'like' they put the girl on a pedestal. To him, everything about you is perfect. You must destroy this pedestal and quickly. This could mean really embarrassing things like letting him see you without makeup (if you always wear it) or tell an inconvenient truth like "I can't wait to move away after school/college/this job finishes and travel. I'd hate to get tied down!" Pretty much do the opposite of what you would do or say to a guy you have a crush on.
4
Decline invitations to go out to dinner or anything resembling a date with just the two of you. Just say you're too busy or you might be feeling really sick or you've already made plans. If he's really persistent, you might have to be cruel to be kind. Tell him you're going on a date.
5
Meeting for coffee after class or work is fine, but don't do it too often. Regular outings like shopping or team sports is great; that's the sort of thing you do with your regular friends.
6
Lead by example: Be a good friend to him, but don't go too far. If he is upset or angry or hurt, you are welcome to comfort him. Avoid hugging or anything too emotionally attached.
7
If he started this whole mess by declaring his feelings, be kind, but firm. Tell him the dreaded "I'm sorry, but I only like you as a friend." Let him lick his wounds then practice steps 2-6 consistently. If he is still persistent, then its time to stop seeing him for a while.
You can acknowledge politely, "I think it's really sweet and I really appreciate that you find me attractive (are curious in me, etc.)," but then tell him that you are not interested.
You can explain a bit more about your current situation: that you are seeing someone, or are in a complicated relationship, or just don't feel romantically attracted to him.
If you are already friends, validate how much bravery that took for them to tell you. Then maybe explain to him why you are attracted to him as a friend and how important to you is to keep your friendship.
Reject Guys Gracefully with this Expert Series
Dealing with a guy who has a crush on you is awkward, and it's extra awkward when you want to be friends with him. Use this expert series to reject a guy without losing his friendship.
Try Googling "get out of the friend zone" and you will see tons of articles advising a guy how to undo all the hard work you've put in. Read a couple of these and learn to recognise the signs i.e. he suddenly begins spending less time with you, starts to improve himself, checks out other girls in front of you, makes excuses to touch you etc. This is his attempt to get out of the friend zone. Just smile in a detached manner and let him keep at it. The key here is to remind him that you like him as a friend and there is nothing he can do to change that. Eventually he will get the message and move on.
Make up some kind of handshake you would make with a friend, even try to act a little tomboyish if that's not already what you're like. Guys either like tomboys, or it might be a turn off. It depends on the guy. Pay attention and notice what he finds attractive. If you do the opposite of that, it just might work.
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Tell them that they're a good friend and then add something that they have helped you with. For example, you could say “thank you for the advice, you're a great friend!"
Be straightforward and tell him that you are not romantically interested in him.
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If you have a boyfriend, avoid telling him negative things. This will give him hope that your relationship could be ending and he will redouble his efforts to win you.
Avoid accepting too many gifts because this can be misinterpreted and you can be seen as using him. This will only incur his wrath and he will never see you as a friend or romantic interest in the future.
Be super careful that your efforts don't appear to be "playing hard to get." This will arouse his interest even more. The key is to be more available than you would to a romantic interest. A great way to avoid this is Step 3. You would never let a romantic interest see your negative side, would you? Well, not until you've snared him of course!
This article was co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post. This article has been viewed 353,343 times.
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Remember that he is your friend. He will only ever be your friend: The key here is to be oblivious. When he starts dropping hints about how good you two would be together, just shrug it off with a laugh. If he tells you about how much he likes a 'girl,' but she does not seem to notice, just nod sympathetically and say "that sucks" or "that's too bad, you really deserve better." Then, quickly change the subject.
Make him see the value of your friendship: Talk about your boyfriend, commiserate with him over your life dramas, make it clear that you are absolutely comfortable with him because, to you, he is sexless. He will start to realise that you value him as a confidante and he will be even more reluctant to wreck things by needlessly confessing his feelings.
Let him see the negative side of you: You might be prone to gossiping, hate children, really messy or you swear way too much. When guys fall in love or 'like' they put the girl on a pedestal. To him, everything about you is perfect. You must destroy this pedestal and quickly. This could mean really embarrassing things like letting him see you without makeup (if you always wear it) or tell an inconvenient truth like "I can't wait to move away after school/college/this job finishes and travel. I'd hate to get tied down!" Pretty much do the opposite of what you would do or say to a guy you have a crush on.
Decline invitations to go out to dinner or anything resembling a date with just the two of you. Just say you're too busy or you might be feeling really sick or you've already made plans. If he's really persistent, you might have to be cruel to be kind. Tell him you're going on a date.
Meeting for coffee after class or work is fine, but don't do it too often. Regular outings like shopping or team sports is great; that's the sort of thing you do with your regular friends.
Lead by example: Be a good friend to him, but don't go too far. If he is upset or angry or hurt, you are welcome to comfort him. Avoid hugging or anything too emotionally attached.
If he started this whole mess by declaring his feelings, be kind, but firm. Tell him the dreaded "I'm sorry, but I only like you as a friend." Let him lick his wounds then practice steps 2-6 consistently. If he is still persistent, then its time to stop seeing him for a while.
"I personally liked the tip "Google 'how to get out of the friend zone'." I think its a smart tip, something I'd try."..." more
