How to Play Hard to Get While Encouraging Him to Want You

Co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Last Updated: November 16, 2024 References

Playing hard to get is a great way to get a guy's attention and to make him see that you're worth pursuing. But it's a delicate balance. You want to look mysterious and unavailable, but not so much so that he thinks getting a date with you is next to impossible.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.} So, how do you play hard to get with a guy while encouraging him to want you? Read on to find out.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Making Him Want You

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1
Let him see you enjoying your singledom. That's right. You have to own being a single lady while letting the guy see you in action. Being single is fun: you can meet a lot of new people, have a blast with your girlfriends, and go out without knowing what the night has in store for you. Let the guy see you laughing, dancing, and loving the single life, instead of looking around desperately, or being upset about not having a special someone.^{[2]
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- If a guy sees you having fun living the single life, he'll want to be a part of your life even more.
- You should enjoy the time you spend being single. You won't have it forever.
2
Flirt with him (a little). If you want him to want you, then you have to flirt with him at least a little bit. If he thinks you're an ice queen who doesn't want a moment of his time, then he'll quickly lose interest. So, flirt with him a little bit when you see him, but don't carry on too long. Just make eye contact, smile, and exchange a few playful words before you say you have to get going. Don't be rude; just don't be too enthusiastic, either.^{[3]
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- Play with your hair while you talk to him.
- Laugh and look at the floor; let him see you blush just a bit.
- If you know each other well enough, you can give him a playful shove or a tap on the arm, that's really playing hard to get.
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3
Flirt with other guys. If you want to play hard to get, then the guy can't think that he's the only person on your radar. You should flirt with a few other guys without taking advantage of them or being too obvious about it; let him see that you're desirable and that other guys want you, too. This doesn't mean you should do anything untoward or anything that makes you look promiscuous; just let him see that you're happy talking to other guys too.^{[4]
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- Think of flirting with other guys as a way of keeping your options open.
4
Wow him with your confidence. Guys want girls who are self-assured and come with a healthy dose of confidence. No guy wants to date a girl who seems like she has a confidence problem so he can help her get over all of her insecurities. It's okay: everyone is insecure. But the more you work on loving who you are, how you look, and what you do, the more appealing you'll be to the guy.^{[5]
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- You want the guy to think that you're already awesome and that he'll just be adding to your awesomeness; not that you need him to make you whole.
- If you want to feel confident, then you have to look confident. Walk with your head high, looking straight ahead of you, instead of down at the floor, and smile every chance you get.
5
Be the life of the party. This doesn't mean you should dance on tables or laugh too loudly just to get some action from the male gaze. It does mean that you should have fun wherever you go, go a little crazy, and just have the time of your life no matter what you're doing. Guys are drawn to women who are fun-magnets, and if you're the life of the party, the guy will want to be around you even more.
- And if you're in a bad mood or just not really feeling it, go home. It's better to leave if you're feeling grumpy than to force yourself to have a good time.
If he asks for your number, be coy at first. Don't willingly recite your digits on command; make him work for it. Don't be rude, but don't act like you're ready to ride off into the sunset with him, either.
If he asks if he can take you out Saturday, say you're busy. Give him another chance to ask you out.^{[6]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Staying Mysterious

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1
Don't be clingy. It goes without saying that you should avoid being clingy at all costs if you're trying to play hard to get. Sure, your third date might have gone fantastically well, but that doesn't mean you should start calling or texting the guy every hour to find out where he is and when you can hang out again. Even if you know he's into you, keep your distance, tone down the PDA, and let him see that you're your own person with your own interests and schedule.
- The second you want to be around him 24/7 is the second he'll start rethinking your initial connection.
- When you call him, don't just call to see how he's doing or what's up. Call to make plans or to talk over something concrete, so you don't look desperate.
- Make sure to give him some of what he wants. If he wants to see you 24/7, make sure to see him at least once or twice a week. Don't be so afraid of being clingy that you're never around.
2
Don't be too available. If you want to stay mysterious, then you can't agree to hang out whenever the guy feels like it. If he asks what you're doing that weekend on a Tuesday or Wednesday, tell him you're booked, but that you're free one night the following weekend. If he texts you one day and wants to hang out just a few hours later, tell him you have plans; he can't think that he has you at his beck and call.^{[7]
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- Make sure to find a balance. Don't pretend to be so busy that you never end up hanging out with the guy. Just don't make it look like your schedule is wide open.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
  Licensed Relationship Therapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}
3
Leave him wanting more. If you really want to play hard to get, then you can't put it all on the table. You should hang out with him, hook up or do whatever you want, and leave while you're still having a great time and enjoying each other's company. This doesn't mean you should excuse yourself in the middle of a make out session, but it does mean that you should leave him when you're both really feeling each other, instead of lingering around too long until you both get bored.^{[9]
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- If you stay over, leave after some morning cuddling or breakfast; don't stick around looking all rumpled well into the afternoon.
- It goes without saying: don't sleep with him right away. If you've just started to date, you don't want him to think that you're open for business whenever, wherever.
4
Take it slow. Don't rush into the relationship if you want it to last. If you start talking about how many kids you want to have or rush to have him meet your parents and fifty closest friends after the third date, he will run for the hills. Instead, start off by seeing him just once a week or so, and don't rush to text or call him unless you have something to discuss. And, obviously, tone it down on the compliments or displays of affection until you know each other better.^{[10]
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- It's tempting to rush in to a relationship that feels really right. But if you want to keep his interest, you have to keep him at a distance -- to an extent, anyway.
5
Keep pursuing your own interests. If you want to stay mysterious, then you have to keep on doing the things that make you happy apart from the guy. This will show him that you're independent, self-assured, and that you know what you like and aren't afraid to go after it. Don't just drop your weekly yoga or art class just because it doesn't fit with the guy's schedule; in fact, let him know when you're going to be off doing your own thing and he'll like you even more for it.
- Your schedule should be busy enough so that you have time to do the things you love, but not so packed that you only have time every three weeks to go on a date.
- Don't be afraid to talk about the things you love with the guy, however far from mainstream they may be. This will only make him be even more interested in you.
6
Have fun with your girlfriends. Keep on playing hard to get by continuing to enjoy a night out on the town with your girlfriends. Don't just start spending all of your time with your guy and abandon all of your single friends; keep on dancing, going out to eat, or doing whatever it is you love to do with your lady friends. And when you go out with the ladies, let the guy know. He may get a little jealous thinking about what you and your friends may be up to without him.
- Even if you're just having harmless fun, making him a little jealous will get him to realize that he likes you even more.
- Staying connected to your girlfriends will also keep you grounded and will deter you from getting into one of those obsessive relationships.
7
Keep your schedule mysterious. This doesn't mean you should lie or be completely cagey about what you're up to that weekend. But hey, if you're busy next Saturday because you're going to Grandma Carol's eightieth birthday party, you can just tell the guy that you have plans and lead him to wonder about what you're doing; you won't be lying, right? If you put it all on the table and he knows exactly what you're up to every day of the week, then he'll think he has you in the palm of his hand.
- If you're having a busy week, don't give him a list of all of the things you're doing. Just let him know you're busy.
8
Let him know you're interested without overwhelming him. Even as you try to stay mysterious, make sure that the guy actually knows that you're into him. Compliment him, ask how he's doing, and generally show him that you care. If you want him to stick around, you have to put in some of the effort.
- Just one simple compliment can go a long way. Try to give him at least one compliment every time you hang out.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making it Last

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1
Don't forget to let him know how you feel. This can be a bit hard but once you get the hang of it then it will be as smooth as silk. Though you may be determined to play hard to get and to keep things a bit mysterious, you have to end up telling the guy how you feel if you want to keep him. You don't have to declare your love to him right away or tell him your fifty favorite qualities of his, but hey, if you do like the guy, it won't hurt to be honest with him. Tell him you had fun on your date, that you love hanging out with him, that you love his quirky sense of humor, whatever. If you don't give him anything to work with, he'll lose interest--fast.
- And don't send him mixed signals, either. Telling him he's hot one night and being distant the next will just confuse him, not turn him on.
2
Know that the chase is never over. Even if you're saying "I love you" and getting ready to say "I do," you can always play hard to get to an extent. That means that, in any successful, long-lasting relationship, the courtship is never really over. Both you and your guy will continue making each other happy and will keep things exciting, interesting, and flexible. Don't stop flirting, being coy, or making your man continue to win you over, as long as he does the same.
- Though the chase is never over, you don't have to play hard to get all the time once you're in a committed relationship. Try to minimize the mind games while keeping your man interested.
3
Maintain your independence. If you got the guy's attention by playing hard to get to begin with, then you can't just quit the act and let him think that you will give up anything that matters to you to be with him. You will definitely need to adjust your schedule to make room for any serious love interest, but you should keep pursuing your interests, hanging out with you girlfriends, working out, or doing whatever it is you loved to do before you met the guy.
- If both of you continue to spend time apart to do your own thing, then you'll be keeping each other interested. You'll be much more excited to see each other after some time apart.
4
Find a balance between playing hard to get and being open to love.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.} If you really want to go all in on a relationship, then you'll have to stop being so mysterious and just let love take you over. You should still make your guy see that you're desired by lots of guys and that you're an interesting person with a busy schedule, but you shouldn't make him continue to feel like you might have another guy on your mind, or like your heart isn't really in the relationship.^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}
- In the end, you'll have to open up and be more available if you're ready for long-lasting love. But if you're not ready and want to keep having fun, then play on.
EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

At the end of the day, mind games are never great for a relationship. Try to focus on what you have in common and what brings you together, not potential power struggles. Strong bonds are built on respect!

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Is it bad playing hard to get?

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

Not necessarily, but you shouldn't constantly be blowing him off. If you decline an invitation, be sure to show interest by suggesting a follow-up hangout.

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Does playing hard to get work?

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

It can, but it definitely comes with its share of risks. A lot of people don't like playing games and aren't a fan of mixed messages.

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Tips

At school, don't avoid him but at the same time, don't follow him. Just go about your normal ways.

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Casually tousle your hair a little, stare into space, or listen to the teacher in class, as if he weren't there.

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At a party, hang out with your friends most of the time, and wait for him to approach you, or, if you pass him, give him a slow, sexy smile, but then walk away. If he approaches you, just talk to him and see where the conversation goes. Casually say, "I'm going to go hang out with some of my friends. You can join me if you want."

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Warnings

Do not act easy or desperate; it's a turnoff.

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Don't agree with everything he says: have your own opinions too! Guys don't like girls that are robots!

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Don't make him too jealous by hanging out with too many guys; he'll think that you've lost interest in him.

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Do what feels natural. If you want to talk with him or flirt with him, do it. If you feel like it's becoming too much, stop it and leave him hanging so he can chase you. There is no direct formula and you just have to use both your head and heart to do what feels right at the moment.

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Don't tell your friends about him unless your friends are trustworthy. Or just tell one or two of your close friends about it. If a lot of people find out about your crush on him, it'll likely get back to him, and he might lose interest.

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Do not act silly around him! You can have fun, but guys like mature girls, so avoid being ditzy or outright stupid purposely.

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Never just come out and tell him you like him. He may lose interest. If he asks you though, say "Yeah, I do.", look him in the eyes, smile with your eyes, bite your lip, cock your head to the side and just tell him the truth.

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Be aware that not all guys like girls who play hard to get. And if he loses interest, don't just assume he is lazy and not liking the effort, he may have been the target for mind games and feels that all your playing will do is hurt him. If it gets like this, step up to him and give him what he wants if he did play your games for a while.^{[13]
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