How to Avoid Looking Desperate

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: September 4, 2024 References

It is common to feel desperate when we are vulnerable. Perhaps you have just broken up from a long-term relationship, or have had a major life change. Whatever the reason, you want to avoid desperate behavior and project self-confidence.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Avoiding Desperate Behavior

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Avoid constantly complaining about your single status. Even if you joke about it, it makes you appear that you are desperate for any date. This might not only make you look desperate but also make you look like you do not respect your friends who are in relationships. Avoid complaints such as:
- ”You're so lucky to have a boyfriend; I wish I could have what you have.”
- ”I hate being single! I wish I could get a boyfriend.”
- ”I don't want to be the third wheel; it sucks being single.”
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Don't fish for compliments. Fishing for compliments means that you are trying to get other people to say good things about you.^{[1]
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Research source} You fish for compliments by saying something negative about yourself and expect to someone to disagree with you. Don't fish for compliments from the person you are interested or your friends. This makes you look insecure, insincere, and desperate. Avoid statements like:
- ”I'm so fat. I will never get a man.”
- ”I'm so dumb!”
- ”I look awful today.”
- ”Do you think this shirt looks good on me?"
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Don't ignore your friends. Do not neglect your supportive network to try and make yourself look better. This will breed resentment and make you lose friends. Try and avoid saying or doing things like:
- Telling an embarrassing story about your friend to make yourself look better.
- Ignoring your friends while you try and attract the attention of a cute boy/girl.
- Making negative remarks about your friends to make yourself look better. (I.e. "Oh, Stacy isn't into basketball. Not like me."
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Don't lie or embellish the truth. The truth will always prevail; embellishing your attributes to catch the attention of another is a desperate maneuver that will most certainly come back to haunt you. Lying is commonplace when dating.^{[2]
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Research source}^{[3]
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Research source}Some common lies include:
- Lying about occupation.
- Lying about salary or money.
- Lying about age.
- Lying about relationship status.
5
Avoid trying too hard. You must learn to be happy with yourself in order to be happy with another person. If you are trying too hard to be someone that you are not naturally, you are going to add strain on your own life and the life of your partner.^{[4]
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Research source} Some ways you may try too hard in a relationship may include:
- Over-pleasing -- Trying to make your partner feel good in a relationship is a good thing, but overdoing it may come off as desperate. It may make your partner think that you need him or her too much.
- Moving too fast -- It is good to be clear and honest about your expectations in a relationship, but expecting too much too fast can come off as desperate. For example, don't expect to talk about big life-decisions (like kids or marriage) early in a relationship.
Hold onto your heart when you meet someone new. Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach, recommends: "A lot of people will throw all caution out of the window when they meet someone dazzling or really exciting. While you don't always have to play hard to get, it's not always a good idea to jump into a relationship too impulsively."

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Learning to Let Go

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Learn when to walk away. Once you've determined that someone isn't interested in you, know when it is time to stop pursuing and time to walk away. Pursuing someone who is not interested may make that person resent you. Also, consider walking away from a relationship that you may be desperate to hold onto.^{[5]
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Research source} If you consider the following, it might be time to walk away:
- You can't remember the last time you had a meaningful, heart-to-heart talk.
- You cannot list what you have in common.
- You don't respect your partner or your partner does not respect you.
- You or your partner cannot compromise.
- You notice the bad times outweigh the good times.
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Don't e-stalk. Do not stalk the object of your affections on social media or on the internet. Do not post on pictures, posts, or emails. Further, avoid over-analyzing posts made on social media. Other e-stalking behavior may include:
- Researching other friends that have reached out to your partner/crush.
- Reading his/her e-mail or other correspondence.
- Looking through or reading through his/her old posts or pictures.
- Reprimanding or “calling him or her out” for talking to other people online.
3
Avoid clingy behavior. You want your partner to feel comfortable in your presence. You do not want to scare him or her away with too much attention. Give him or her some space:
- Do not text more than twice in a row or within 10 minutes of last texting him. Try and only text meaningful messages or text when you have a legitimate reason.
- Do not get nervous or upset if s/he doesn't contact you right away.
- Do not follow your partner/crush around.
- Do not be over accommodating. For example, do not be worried about making plans with your own friends in case your partner may want to hang out or go on a date.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Projecting a Confident Self-Image

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1
Maintain personal standards. If you are lonely or have been single for a long time, it might be easy to settle or get desperate for anyone that shows interest. However, this could lead to a disastrous and unsatisfactory relationship. Maintain your personal standards by doing the following:
- Look for a partner who will respect you and your interests. Being with someone who does not respect you shows desperation to be with anyone that shows interest. Look for someone you can talk to about your interests and who will not belittle you.
- Find a partner who enjoys spending time with you. If you are in a relationship with someone who you only see when it is convenient for them, then you may just be desperate for any company rather than good company.
- Look for a partner who shares the same values or goals as you. You do not want someone who will disrespect you and your core beliefs.
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Do not rationalize bad treatment. Although it is easy to identify desperate actions when looking for a relationship, desperation can manifest in ongoing relationships. Do not desperately hold onto a relationship that is no longer working. Consider ending a relationship if:
- Your significant other is emotionally or physically abusive. This is not only dangerous to your emotional and physical health, but also something you do not have to live with.
- Your partner does not respect you, your friends, or your family. Do not be desperate to please others in your relationship; do not be desperate to get a guy that your mother would approve of. It is important to be in a relationship for reasons that work for you, not to desperately be in a relationship for the sake of not being single.
- Your partner is a negative presence in your life. Do not desperately make excuses for your partner in hopes that s/he will change. Supporting your partner is one thing, but making continual excuses is another.
3
Stop comparing yourself to others. This will cultivate a negative body image and negative thoughts. Instead, list what your strengths and what makes you unique.
- Identify what aspects of your life you compare yourself with others. Is it your looks? Your intelligence? Once you pinpoint these feelings, it is easier to get rid of them.
- Understand that you are in control of your actions and feelings. It easy to think that society should tell us how to look and feel; but, you are the only person who can make decisions for how you think and act.
- Try and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This will help create a good habit that will build self-confidence and happiness.
It is easier to build a good habit when you have people cheering you on! Do not isolate yourself; instead, surround yourself with positive people who will help you make good decisions about your life.