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If you're a woman, you may have noticed things about your boyfriend that lead you to believe he's gay or interested in men. Sexuality is highly complex and sensitive, and there are a lot of inaccurate stereotypes out there that don't truly reflect a person's sexual orientation. You can't know for sure unless he tells you himself, but noting possible signs can make it easier to start a conversation. Keep reading for a thorough list of potential signs that your boyfriend might be gay.

3

His dirty talk or fantasies involve other men.

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  1. If it comes up infrequently and his arousal disappears when you’re not involved, it’s probably just a kink or fetish about a specific scenario. If he regularly expresses this desire, though, it’s possible he has an attraction to other men.[3]
    • Frequent pressure for a threesome with 2 men or a scenario where you watch him and another man are possible signs.
    • There are a lot of reasons a straight man might have these fantasies, including cuckolding kinks or even past sexual abuse. Be sensitive as you approach this topic.
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4

Keep in mind that he could be bisexual, pansexual, or another LGBTQ identity.

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  1. If you believe your boyfriend loves and cares for you but he "seems to be gay," keep in mind that he could be bisexual, pansexual, or interested in men. For instance, if he is pansexual, (attracted to all genders regardless of sex) bisexual (attracted to two genders, typically men and women), or queer (not heterosexual) there's a chance he loves you and is attracted to you, but he's still interested in men or has had relationships with men--he could also be questioning his sexual orientation.
    • There are several identities in which someone can be interested in more than one gender, so don't think he's "just gay".
    • Don't blatantly ask him, "Are you bisexual?". This is rude and can surprise him. Instead, approach the topic by sitting down and asking him, "I had a question, I was wondering if you are interested in men?" If he says he is interested in men, also ask him if he's attracted to you/women.
5

He watches gay pornography by himself.

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6

He doesn’t check out other women.

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  1. When you’re in public or around other people, watch to see where his attention goes. If he’s deliberately looking at no one or if his gaze falls frequently on other men, he may be hiding a secret attraction. He could also be asexual or not interested in relationships if he doesn't check out anyone.[5]
    • It’s likely a straight guy would try to avoid looking at other women while you’re around to avoid offending you. Look for subtle signs, not obvious gestures.
    • If he checks out men and women equally, it’s possible he’s bisexual.
7

He’s overly affectionate with other men.

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8

He’s too close to his best friend.

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9

He has many LGBTQ friends.

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  1. Notice if he frequently hangs out with his gay friends, or joins them on nights out at LGBTQ+ bars and clubs. His social circle could reflect his sexual orientation, even if he’s not 100% aware of it.[8]
    • He might also keep his friend group secret from you. There’s a chance he’d be outed if you saw him with them, or he might have a secret relationship with someone in the group.[9]
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10

He acts homophobic.

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11

His family is homophobic.

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  1. If his relatives are highly anti-gay, he may not feel safe or welcome to come out to them. He might also be wrestling with internalized homophobia or self-loathing because of the conflict between his identity and his upbringing.[12] He may fear repercussions like:
    • Being kicked out of his house or shunned
    • Losing financial support
    • In extreme cases, physical violence
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12

He has a gay dating app profile.

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  1. You might notice a popular LGBTQ dating app like Grindr or Scruff, or it’s possible he’s using apps like Tinder or Hinge with the preferences set to men. Look for excessive texting or messaging at odd hours.[13]
    • He might use social media to coordinate dates or hookups. Look at his profiles for suspicious followers, and look at who he follows as well.[14]
    • It’s not recommended to catfish your boyfriend on an app or comb through his phone without his knowledge since this is a major violation of his privacy.
13

He’s been with other men before.

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  1. Notice how you find out about it. If he tells you himself, he might be confident in his sexuality and just sharing a past experience. If someone else told you or he told you while he was drunk, it could be a sign he’s struggling and can’t talk about it openly.[15]
    • An encounter in his teen or college years is more likely to mean he’s gay or queer than an experience later in life, which could have more complex explanations.[16]
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14

Ask him.

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  1. If your suspicions are strong, a safe and warm conversation will clear things up faster and bring peace of mind.[17] Remember, sexuality is highly complex and includes more than just gay and straight. Your boyfriend could be bisexual, asexual, or only slightly attracted to men while preferring an emotional and physical relationship with women.[18]

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Tips

  • You did not cause your boyfriend to be gay or to engage in secretive behavior. If your boyfriend is sneaking around to meet other men, remember that his actions are about him and his unmet needs, not you.
  • Don’t rely on gay stereotypes like an effeminate voice or walk, flashy or tight clothing, his TV and music preferences, or being a neat freak to determine your boyfriend’s sexuality. There are many gay men that exhibit none of these traits, as well as many straight men that do.
  • Keep in mind he could also identify as bisexual or pansexual.
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Warnings

  • For the social, emotional, and physical well-being of your boyfriend, don't discuss his sexuality with others or publicly out him. It’s possible that he is not fully aware of his own sexuality yet, or he's hiding it because of safety concerns. A forced outing can be highly damaging to his mental health and personal relationships.
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About This Article

John Keegan
Reviewed by:
Dating Coach
This article was reviewed by John Keegan and by wikiHow staff writer, Dan Hickey. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 1,092,801 times.
370 votes - 59%
Co-authors: 18
Updated: December 7, 2024
Views: 1,092,801
Categories: Dating
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 1,092,801 times.

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