How to Refuse a Kiss

Co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA

Last Updated: June 3, 2023

Someone wants to kiss you, but you don't want to kiss him or her back. Perhaps this is someone you've just met, or perhaps it is a friend who you want to keep as just a friend. Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to kiss you, but you aren't ready. That's okay! Be firm, and do not kiss anyone unless you really want to do so. You can avoid the kiss, explain yourself, or just say, "no."

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Refusing a Kiss

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You don't need to kiss anyone that you don't want to kiss. Don't be afraid to just say "no!" Be kind and respectful, but make sure not to let anyone take advantage of you. Advocate for yourself. Only kiss people that you truly want to kiss.^{[1]
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2
Let the person down easy. You don't need to violently reject a person who just wants to kiss you. Try to put yourself in his/her shoes. Imagine the amount of courage that it takes to ask a person for a kiss! Look for a way to respectfully and tactfully decline.
- Try saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm not romantically interested in you."
- Say, "I love our friendship, but I'm not ready to take it to the next level."
- Say, "Thank you, but no thank you," or "I'm flattered, but I'm not interested."
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3
Shake your head "no." If you are out with your boyfriend or girlfriend and he/she makes a move to kiss you, don't pull away and scare them. Just shake your head. If you pull away, they may feel rejected. It may also be effective to just casually look the other direction or divert your attention from your partner for a few seconds.
- Smile after you say no so they don't feel rejected. If you don't smile, then they will probably assume that you don't like them. If you do like them, but you don't want to kiss them, then you need to explain why.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Avoiding a Kiss

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1
Watch your signals. Try not to flirt in a suggestive way. If you don't want someone to try to kiss you, then be very careful about how you interact with them. In general, a person will be more likely to try to kiss you if he/she thinks that you want to be kissed.
- Perhaps you like this person, but you aren't ready for a kiss. You will need to be clear about your expectations. If the person goes for a kiss, let him/her down gently and explain exactly why you don't want the kiss.
A person is much more likely to try to kiss you if you are alone together and having an intimate moment. Invite mutual friends to hang out with you, or make sure that a friend is with you at all times. Spend time with the kisser in public places where he/she will be unlikely to try for a smooch.^{[2]
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3
Divert the person's attention. Talk about something unrelated to kissing – something that will make it very hard for him/her to segue back to the subject of kisses. Suggest an activity that doesn't have much chance of leading to a kiss.
- If you are refusing a kiss from a partner, hold his/her hand or rest your head on his/her shoulder. Show your partner that you can enjoy physical contact without kissing.
- Constantly suck a lollipop when you're with them. It will be in your mouth, so they can't kiss you.
If someone goes in for a kiss, divert them from your lips by tilting your head slightly to the side. Make it clear that you are offering up your cheek instead of your lips. The kisser should get the hint.
5
Make an excuse. Say that you have a cold or that you're recovering from a virus. Tell the person that you have a cold sore on your mouth, and that you don't want to kiss anyone in case you transmit the herpes simplex virus. Claim that you have a severe case of halitosis.
- The problem with this approach is that it is just a delaying tactic. If you don't want to kiss this person at all, or not for a long time coming, then you'll need to say so.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Talking About Kissing

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1
Explain why you are refusing the kiss. You don't need to prove anything – but it might get the person off of your back. Be honest and straightforward. If you aren't in the mood, then just say that you aren't in the mood. If you aren't romantically interested in the person, then be truthful about that.^{[3]
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- It is perfectly valid to not want a kiss. Don't let the person convince you to kiss him/her even if you aren't sure.
- Don't over-explain. Just say exactly what you need to say to get the point across.
If he or she truly cares about you, he or she should respect your wishes and wait until you are ready. Do not let anybody pressure you into a kiss. It will be so much better if you're ready for it.
This way, he or she won't try to kiss you. If the date still tries to kiss you, then consider whether this is really someone that you want to be with.
Sometimes, a person will keep asking you for a kiss even after you've made it clear that you aren't interested. Try to talk about something else. If that doesn't work, then find an excuse to leave as soon as possible. Do not wait around if someone's making you feel uncomfortable! It can be that the only way to end these situations is to leave them.

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Question

Is it possible to not like kissing?

Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 15 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.

Maya Diamond, MA

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Yes, that's totally normal. Don't be afraid to set your own boundaries. It's okay if you want to wait until the second, third, or fourth date to kiss someone, or if you don't want to kiss them at all.

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Question

What if someone begs for the kiss, or needs a kiss to "prove your love?"

Community Answer

There are many ways to show love, and kissing is not the only one. Your partner needs to respect your wishes and desire, and realize that a kiss means nothing if they are begging for it. Be yourself and don't stoop to this level -- it is just manipulating you for a kiss.

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Tips

Say that you aren't in the mood. This may keep the kisser from feeling too rejected.

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If you are already kissing and you want to stop when your partner doesn't, just pull away. If he/she tries to continue, then turn your head away and say, "no."

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If you realize that he/she is leaning in for a kiss, you can swing it into a hug. Turn your head away from them and hug them. Then, smile and walk away.

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Warnings

Don't push him or her back, unless he or she is forcing him/herself on you in an inappropriate manner. If someone does this, he/she may turn out to be a bit controlling or abusive in relationships. Be careful.

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Don't chew gum in the hopes that a person will not be able to kiss you. The person may just ask you to spit it out or kiss you anyway.

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