How to Reject Someone Nicely & Politely

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A complete guide to saying “no” as kindly as possible
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Rejecting someone can be almost as hard as getting rejected yourself, especially if the person is a friend. While it may not be possible to turn someone down without hurting their feelings at least a little bit, being as kind and polite as you can when you reject them can soften the blow. In this article, we'll walk you through how to reject someone nicely, whether they're a friend or stranger, as well as what to do when someone doesn't take rejection well and how to handle rejection gracefully yourself. Plus, we spoke with expert dating and life coaches for tips on rejecting someone with grace and class.

How to Reject Someone Kindly & Politely

Always be honest when you’re rejecting someone, but try not to be harsh. Soften the blow with a compliment if possible, but make sure you’re direct and clear, using “I” statements instead of focusing on the other person: “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re a good fit.”

Section 1 of 4:

Nicely Rejecting a Friend or Acquaintance

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  1. Step 1 Tell someone you know “no” promptly, privately, and in person.
    If it’s someone you’ve known for a while, Dating & Relationship Coach Julianne Cantarella says you really want to talk to them face to face and not over a text or a call.[1] A face-to-face rejection shows the other person respect and allows you to see how they react to the news so you’re able to proceed in the kindest way possible. Additionally, try to let them down in a private (or semi-private) place. No one wants to be rejected in the middle of a crowd. This is especially true if you’re dealing with a friend and hope to keep the friendship.
    • It’s natural to want to put off an awkward conversation, but waiting may give the other person hope, which makes the rejection more surprising and hurtful.
    • Choose your moment wisely, but don’t wait for the right time. The only “right time” is when you know you don’t want to go out with them.
    • If you’re already in a long-term relationship with someone, many of the tips expressed here will be helpful, but there are unique challenges as well. Take a look at How to Break Up or How to Break Up with a Guy Nicely for ideas.
  2. Step 2 Be honest and direct but kind when you reject someone you know.
    Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach Christina Jay says, “Tell them they are a great person, but you are not interested in dating right now. They’ll take the hint. If not, you have to tell them directly that you are not interested in dating them.”[2] Don’t make up stories about meeting someone else, reconnecting with an old flame, or deciding to join the Peace Corps. They may be even more hurt if they know you’re lying or find out the truth later.
    • Choose your words carefully to make sure you are getting your message across clearly but compassionately.
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  3. Step 3 Use “I” statements focusing on your needs, feelings, and perspectives.
    “It’s not you, it’s me,” might be cliché, but it’s much kinder than saying, “It’s you.” Think about your reasons and what you'll say beforehand if you sense an unwanted request for a date is coming. Don't just tell them a straight-out “no” or shift the blame onto them. Use “I” statements to get your point across without causing them to shut down.[3]
    • Instead of “You’re a disorganized slob whose life is a mess,” try something like, “I’m just the type of person who needs a lot of order and structure in my life."
    • If you’ve been on a date, talk about how you thought your [insert peculiarities here] would mesh with his/her [insert peculiarities here], and you’re glad you tried, but you don’t feel like it can work out.
  4. Step 4 Listen to what they have to say without interrupting.
    If this person is a friend, don't just give your reasons and leave them hanging. Allow the person time to understand what you’ve said and respond. Practice active listening by making eye contact and hearing them out without interrupting. This shows them you respect them. Plus, it helps reduce conflict.[4]
    • Taking a moment to allow them to process gives them the chance to get a handle on their emotions.
    • If you don’t let them respond, they may feel like there’s still a chance you’ll change your mind if you just hear them out.
    • Try to be sympathetic to their emotions. They may be sad, cry, or even vent some frustration.
    • Just remember, you don’t have to deal with outright anger or verbal abuse.
  5. Step 5 Stay strong and don't give in if they beg or try to talk you into anything.
    The worst thing you can do is to retract your rejection because you feel sorry for the person or don't want to hurt them. Resist any attempts to point out flaws in your reasoning, promise change in exchange for reconsideration, or explain that you have him or her all wrong. Allowing them to make these arguments sends mixed messages and may give them false hope.[5]
    • Avoid saying you’re not ready “yet.” The other person may think they’ll have another chance in the near future.
    • Don’t apologize for not wanting to go out with someone. Instead, be firm and say something like, “I understand why you feel that way, but I just don’t think it will work out between us.”
  6. Step 6 If you reject a friend, stress how important their friendship is to you.
    Jay recommends, “I would say that you don't want to ruin the friendship. ‘I'm really flattered that you asked me out, but I really respect our friendship, and I don't want to change what we currently are.’”[6] If you hope to remain friends with the person you’re rejecting, talk about how much you value your friendship, but don't use it as your only excuse. Just be aware that it might be an uncomfortable discussion, especially once you say “no.”
    • If things get awkward, don't make them feel bad. Simply, thank them for being honest about their true feelings.
    • Try talking about why your friendship wouldn't work as a romance. For instance, say something like, “I love how spontaneous and fun you are, but I need more structure and consistency in a romantic relationship.”
    • Accept the friendship may end. The other person has already decided they don’t want things to continue as is, and there may be no going back.
    • Try saying something like, “I really would love to remain friends, but I know you may need some time. We can talk about it again whenever you feel ready."
  7. Step 7 Try to end the conversation on a positive note.
    Cantarella recommends saying something like, “I think you're a really great person. I know you're going to meet someone special, but I just don't think that we're a match.”[7] Jay adds, “ I would say, ‘Thank you for the gesture, but I'm not open to dating right now.’ That's a good way to decline a date.”[8]
  8. Step 8 Consider rejecting them by text if they ask you out by text.
    It's usually a good idea to turn someone down face-to-face, but when someone asks you out by text, email, or phone, it’s acceptable to respond the same way. It’s more important to give them a prompt response than to put things off until you can talk in person. It’s also acceptable to break things off via text if you’ve only been on a few dates. Matchmaker & Dating Coach Judith Gottesman says it’s best to give the person your answer as soon as you know you aren’t interested.[9]
    • It’s better to reject someone by text than ghost them. Ghosting is unnecessarily mean.
    • You liked them enough to go out with them, so give them the courtesy of a text at the very least.
    EXPERT TIP
    JT Tran

    JT Tran

    Dating Coach
    JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.
    JT Tran
    JT Tran
    Dating Coach

    Ghosting is common, but I don't recommend it. People ghost, but it's never something I suggest. It sometimes comes from the desire to try to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. But it can create loose ends that can be just as emotionally wounding. It's better to try to nicely but politely reject someone in a way that's fair to everyone involved.

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Section 2 of 4:

Politely Rejecting a Stranger

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  1. Step 1 Thank the person who asked you out.
    Jay recommends starting your refusal with a “thank you.”[10] Someone who asks you out is giving you a compliment, so a sincere “thanks” is always appropriate. It’s also a positive way to respond that helps let them down easy.
    • Say something like, “Thank you! I’m flattered,” or “Thanks! It’s so nice of you to ask me out.”
  2. Step 2 Be honest, direct, and considerate.
    Jay recommends saying something like, “I'm just not open to dating right now. I'm working on myself. Thank you so much for the offer, but I can't entertain it.”[11] It may be tempting to make up an excuse to avoid going on a date, but why not just be honest? A little temporary awkwardness will probably leave both of you feeling better in the end.
    • Saying something as simple as, “Thanks for the offer. It was nice talking to you, but I'd like to just leave it at that” might do the trick.
    • Don’t try to come up with a long explanation. Just be clear, concise, and honest.
    • Being direct isn’t the same as being mean, even though it might feel that way.
    • You may be inclined to keep things light by making a joke, but the other person may not know you or your sense of humor and may not understand, so it's best to keep your rejection simple and honest.
  3. Step 3 Treat the other person with dignity and respect.
    Rejection isn’t fun for anyone. Try to be sensitive to what they’re feeling. Treat them how you would want to be treated if you were in the same situation. Showing respect for another person is a way for you to demonstrate you’re a good person.[12]
    • Don’t wait until they walk away and gossip with your friends about them or laugh after rejecting them.
  4. Step 4 Let go of any guilt you might feel for rejecting them.
    While it’s normal to feel bad that they might be hurt by your rejection, you haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t control their emotions or be responsible for them.[13] Consciously choose to let go of any guilt you might be feeling.
    • Agreeing to a date so you don’t feel guilty will only hurt them more in the long run.
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Section 3 of 4:

Rejecting Someone Who Won't Be Rejected

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  1. Step 1 Be honest and direct, but don’t worry as much about kindness.
    Some people simply need an absolutely clear, no-doubt, no-wiggle room, outright rejection to get the picture.[14] If you’re stuck trying to deal with someone who won’t take no for an answer or is just a creep who won’t leave you alone, you may not have the luxury of kindness. Just reject them quickly and as safely as possible.
    • Don’t just ignore them, thinking they’ll lose interest. Ignoring them leaves the opening for them to think you didn’t get their message or didn’t hear them.
    • Say something like, “I'm sorry, I'm not interested in pursuing this further, and that's all there is to say. Good luck and goodbye.”
  2. Step 2 Lie carefully if you feel unsafe being truthful.
    One of the most effective lies is “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend.” The message that you’re “taken” usually gets through to people even when saying no doesn’t.[15] Just remember to keep the lie as brief as possible. Coming up with a detailed lie may make the other person think you’re opening up to them and want to talk more.
    • Stick with statements like “I just got out of a long-term relationship,” “I don’t date outside of my religion/culture,” or “I think you look too much like my brother/sister.” Then leave it at that.
    • Trot out that fake phone number if you feel you need to.
  3. Step 3 Walk away from a person who won’t take no for an answer.
    If you’ve made your rejection clear and the other person still won’t leave you alone, remove yourself from the situation. If you’re alone with them, walk away as quickly as you can. If you’re in a crowd, loudly say something like, “I’m not interested in you. Stop talking to me. You’re making me uncomfortable,” as you walk away. Be loud enough that other people will hear you.
    • Gee says when you’re a woman dealing with men, find a group of other women. “He's a little less likely to [bother you] if you're just surrounded by a pack of she-wolves because he can be called out on it. So he doesn't want that to happen.”[16]
    • Once you’ve made yourself clear, ignore their pleas, complaints, rants, etc.
    • If you ever feel threatened or unsafe because of the other person, get help and/or contact the authorities.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 422 wikiHow readers about how they’d handle someone continuing to pursue them after rejection, and 58% of them agreed that they would set clear boundaries and communicate their disinterest. [Take Poll]
  4. Step 4 Text or email your rejection to avoid seeing the person again.
    If the other person has your contact information and is not taking no for an answer, a face-to-face meeting may only encourage them. This is a situation when emailing or texting your rejection is appropriate. If the other person continues to contact you after you’ve told them you aren’t interested, it’s stalking behavior, making it even more important to clearly state you don’t want to talk to them.[17]
    • If you’re concerned the person may lash out in anger at your rejection and harm you, DO NOT meet them in person. Contact the authorities.
    • If you need help dealing with a stalker, contact The Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) at their website or call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Deal with Rejection Gracefully

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  1. Step 1 Accept the other person’s decision and react calmly.
    If you're on the receiving end of a rejection, you may feel hurt and maybe even a little angry, which is okay. Acknowledge those feelings, but don’t dwell on them.[18] When you’re dealing with a rejection, don’t let anger make you do or say something you’ll regret later. You can’t force someone to like you in that way. And they certainly aren’t going to like you more if you lash out or harass them to go out on a date.
  2. Step 2 Respect the other person’s boundaries.
    When a person says “no” when you ask them out, they are setting a boundary that they don’t want that type of relationship with you. By respecting their boundary, you show them you’re safe and trustworthy. Breaking that boundary by trying to talk them into going out with you shows a lack of respect, which is a big red flag.[19]
    • Respecting the other person’s boundaries means if they say they want to stay friends, you don’t push for something more later.
    • If they ask you not to contact them again, don’t call, text, or follow them on social media.
  3. Step 3 Be kind to yourself and try to stay positive.
    Give yourself a little time and grace to handle the rejection and process your emotions. Try talking to a friend or family member about what happened and how you feel. Admit to them how sad and disappointed you feel, but don’t dwell on it.[20]
    • Remember that you’re a good, kind, respectful person. Another person’s rejection can’t change that.
    • Use this rejection as an opportunity to learn and grow.
    • Give yourself a pat on the back! Asking someone out takes courage.
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  • Question
    How do I reject someone without hurting them?
    Christina Jay, NLP
    Christina Jay, NLP
    Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
    Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.
    Christina Jay, NLP
    Christina Jay, NLP
    Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    Tell them that you are working on yourself and gracefully refuse the date. Thank the person for the gesture, but let them know that you're not open to dating right now.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
     Thank you for your feedback.
     If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 4
  • Question
    What do I do if I don't know how I feel about her?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    Just try being as honest as possible. Suggest that you continue to spend time as friends until you know one another better. Let them know that it takes you a while to be certain of your feelings.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
     Thank you for your feedback.
     If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 8 Helpful 40
  • Question
    Ok so I have a friend who is gay and she wants a relationship but I still want to be friends, how could I say (nicely) that I'm not interested in that?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    If you are heterosexual, just say it clearly: "You know, I'm really into guys!" You can then ask: "Are you okay being friends with me?" If you are also gay, but not into her, then just follow the suggestions in this article.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
     Thank you for your feedback.
     If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 9 Helpful 34
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References

  1. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
  2. ↑ Christina Jay, NLP. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
  3. ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
  4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/active-listening
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202202/how-to-reject-someone-and-help-them-at-the-same-time
  6. ↑ Christina Jay, NLP. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
  7. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
  8. ↑ Christina Jay, NLP. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
  9. ↑ Judith Gottesman, MSW. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.
  1. ↑ Christina Jay, NLP. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
  2. ↑ Christina Jay, NLP. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
  3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-do-you-know-if-you-are-a-good-person
  4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-for-dealing-with-guilt
  5. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1948550618769880
  6. ↑ https://time.com/87777/i-have-a-boyfriend-bar-dating-excuse/
  7. ↑ Collette Gee. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
  8. ↑ https://rainn.org/news/resources-survivors-stalking-and-cyberstalking
  9. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/rejection.html
  10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/how-to-respect-other-peoples-boundaries
  11. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/rejection.html

About This Article

Klare Heston, LCSW
Co-authored by:
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Aimee Payne, MFA. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 577,086 times.
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Co-authors: 33
Updated: December 18, 2024
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Categories: Handling Rejection
Article SummaryX

If you have to reject a friend, look for a quiet, semi-private place where you can reject them in person, that way you can better adjust to their reaction. There’s no perfect moment for rejection, so try to do it as soon as possible. When the time comes, prepare them for what you're going to say with lines like “I’m glad we tried this, but…” Then, deliver the news with honesty and kindness. Stick around to help them process their emotions, but stay firm in your decision. For advice on rejecting strangers, scroll down.

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