How to Communicate with an Avoidant Partner

Written by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: December 4, 2024 Fact Checked

Does your partner need a lot of space? Do they tend to shut down when it comes to emotions? If so, you might be in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. At times, this may leave you feeling confused or frustrated in your relationship. However, by providing love and understanding, you can foster communication and increase intimacy with your partner over time. Read through this article to get expert-backed advice on how to talk to your partner with an avoidant attachment style.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Liana Georgoulis, Psy.D. Check out the full interview here.

1

Recognize the signs of an avoidant attachment style.

Learning about your partner’s attachment style will help you understand them. If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, they’re most likely fiercely independent. They probably won’t ask for help often. You may have to pry to get them to open up, and they might have even called you “needy” for expressing your emotions in the past. An avoidant attachment style usually stems from childhood, and your partner’s caregiver may have been cold or unavailable.^{[1]
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- People with avoidant attachment styles often crave intimacy, but at the same time, they’re afraid of it. This is why your partner might be cold or shut down sometimes—it’s their way of coping with that fear.

2

Give your partner space.

Avoidant partners need to spend a lot of time on their own. If you chase your partner down and demand that they talk to you, they most likely won’t react very well. If your partner doesn’t seem receptive to opening up to you right now, give them some time to work through things on their own before you approach them again.^{[2]
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- It can be tough to give up on an important conversation without talking things through fully. Let your partner know that you’d like to revisit the topic by saying something like, “Can we talk about this later?” or, “I’ll give you a few minutes to collect your thoughts, but I’d like to continue this conversation.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 593 wikiHow readers about the most effective ways to deal with a dismissive avoidant partner, and only 10% of them recommended letting your partner know when they do something you like. [Take Poll] Instead, giving your partner space can be a more effective way to improve your communication.

3

Try not to take your partner’s coldness personally.

Avoidant partners tend to shut down out of self-preservation. It can be frustrating when your partner won’t talk through issues with you. Try to remember that they probably don’t like it either, but they can’t help it. The more you can give them understanding and grace, the better your communication will be.
- Try to focus on what you can change, not what you can’t. You can’t change your partner’s attachment style, but you can change how you react to their behavior.

4

Calm down before you discuss issues together.

When tensions run high, an avoidant partner may shut down. Studies show that avoidant types tend to respond well to indirect language that doesn’t put their guard up. When you’re getting ready to approach your partner with a problem, try taking a few deep breaths and counting to 10 before you talk to them about it.^{[3]
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- “Do you have a second to talk? I wanted to chat about what happened the other day. Don’t worry, it’s not anything super serious.”
- “Hey, could we chat real fast? I just wanted to talk something through with you, but I’m not mad.”

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Relationship Anxiety?

Do you ever feel worried or insecure about your relationship? Do you wonder if your partner actually doesn't care for you, even though they say do? Relationship anxiety has many underlying causes, including an anxious attachment style or a lack of self-esteem. This quiz can help you determine if you have relationship anxiety and address any anxious patterns.

1 of 12

Do you have trouble communicating your wants and needs to your partner?

No, I don’t. My partner and I are able to do that comfortably.

Rarely. Communication is important, but sometimes I feel like I’m asking too much.

Yes, there are times when I definitely hesitate. I just don’t like doing it.

All the time. I’m constantly worried about how my partner will react.

5

Express your emotions in a neutral tone.

Many avoidants tend to shut down in the face of other people’s emotions. When you’re talking about your feelings (which you should feel free to do in a relationship), try your best to say things in a neutral tone without a ton of emotion behind them. It can be tough to calm down enough to do this in a charged situation, but your partner will be much more receptive toward your needs if you can.^{[4]
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- If you’re having a tough time keeping your tone neutral, take a few deep breaths and count to 10 before you start talking.

6

Use respectful, non-judgmental language.

A lot of avoidants struggle with low self-esteem. They tend to take criticism very personally, even if it’s not a reflection of their character.^{[5]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

Go to source} Try to use language that won’t make your partner upset, and when you’re discussing problems, use “I” statements to avoid putting blame on them.
- Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” try, “When I don’t hear from you throughout the day, I feel worried.”
- Instead of, “You treat me terribly,” try, “I feel like I should be a higher priority in your life.”

7

Ask directly for what you want.

Avoidant partners often have a hard time picking up on hints. Instead of trying to nudge your partner in the right direction, talk to them clearly and concisely, and spell out exactly what you need. The clearer you can be, the more your partner will understand your needs and work to meet them.^{[6]
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- “I’d really like it if we could spend at least 2 days a week together. Does that work for your schedule?”
- “It’s fine if you’re busy, but I need you to text me at least once a day. I just want to know that you’re okay.”

8

Set boundaries with your partner.

Healthy boundaries tell your partner what’s okay and what isn’t. Even though your partner has an avoidant attachment style, it doesn’t mean you need to put up with behavior that you don’t like.^{[7]
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Research source} Try to set boundaries right away so your partner knows how you’d like to be treated in the future.
- “I know you don’t like talking about your emotions, but sometimes, I need to express mine. Can you try to listen to me, even when it’s uncomfortable for you?”
- “When you need space, just let me know. I’m fine leaving you alone for a while, but I need to know ahead of time so I don’t worry about you.”

9

Be willing to compromise.

You and your partner might have to meet in the middle so you’re both happy. Your communication styles are probably very different, and that’s okay. Instead of trying to change your partner, do your best to bend a little and meet them halfway. Find something that you can both live with to be content in your relationship.^{[8]
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- “I understand that you need your space, but I’d like to spend more quality time together. Could we try to go out on a date at least once a week?”
- “We don’t need to call each other every day—I know that’s tough for you. Maybe we could commit to at least texting each other in the evening?”

10

Praise your partner for good behavior.

Your partner is more likely to repeat things if you notice their hard work. When your partner tries their best to meet your needs or does something uncomfortable, tell them that you’ve noticed and you’re grateful for it. Over time, this will encourage them to keep trying so they continue to make healthy changes in your relationship.^{[9]
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- “Thanks for texting me yesterday when you needed some space. It was great to know beforehand that I wouldn’t hear from you.”
- “I really appreciate you listening to me talk about this. I know emotions are tough for you to handle, and I can tell you’re working hard.”

11

Listen intently when your partner talks.

Your partner is more likely to open up if you listen carefully to what they say. People with avoidant attachment styles find it difficult to talk about what they’re feeling, so they don’t do it often. If your partner trusts you enough to get deep with you, show that you’re listening by putting away distractions and making eye contact with them.^{[10]
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- Ask follow up questions to show that you want them to keep going. Say things like, “Interesting, can you tell me more?” or, “Could you explain that?”
- Empathetic listening also gives your partner a good model of how they should be listening to you.

12

Accept your partner for who they are now.

Waiting for your partner to change can lead to heartbreak. It’s easy to get swept up in the hope that your partner might make a ton of awesome changes and break through their avoidant habits. Your partner definitely can change, and they might make an effort to meet your needs as you talk to them more. However, you can help your relationship by actively working to accept your partner for who they are right now.^{[11]
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- For the most part, people can change small things about themselves, like how messy they are or how late they stay up. But their personality types and attachment styles need a lot of work to change.

13

Be supportive and dependable.

Your partner will feel more secure if they can rely on you. People with avoidant attachment styles are often scared to get close to other people, because they’re worried they might get hurt. Try to show your partner that they can lean on you no matter what—the safer and more secure they feel with you, the more they’ll open up.^{[12]
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- For instance, you might help them change their flat tire or give them a ride when they need it. Even little things can improve your relationship and bring you two closer together.

14

Give your partner lots of love and affection.

They may never say it out loud, but avoidants crave romantic love. While it might seem like your partner wants space from you all the time, it’s more likely that they crave your attention but they don’t know how to ask for it. Don’t give up on showing your partner love—the more you do it, the more they’ll get used to it. And when your partner feels more comfortable, your communication will improve, too.^{[13]
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- If your partner is uncomfortable with words of affirmation, try showing them affection in other ways. Buy them a small gift or do a chore for them around the house to let them know that you care.

15

Encourage your partner to see a therapist.

A professional can help them work on their communication issues. People with avoidant attachment styles can talk to a mental health professional to work toward a more secure attachment. You can suggest that your partner sees a therapist, or you can ask them to try couple’s counseling with you.^{[14]
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- “Have you ever thought about seeing a professional? I think they could help a lot with what you’re struggling with.”
- “I think that we should see a couple’s counselor together. They can help us find a communication style that works for the both of us.”

How Can You Communicate Effectively With an Avoidant Partner?

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What's it like being in a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment?

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WikiDesertCaster243

My partner and I have started to take our relationship a bit more seriously recently and it's been going well. Recently, my partner's therapist t... Read More

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Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist

People with an avoidant attachment style are trying to minimize their own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. So they are not really all... Read More

1

WikiTapirChaser448

Sometimes people with avoidant attachment styles can have trouble with emotional intimacy because they're not used to their emotional needs being... Read More

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