How to See if He's the One

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: November 6, 2022 Approved

Although it's easy to think your guy is the one, it's hard to know for sure. To see if you're serious about him – and if he's worth it – read these tips and strategies.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

How He Makes You Feel

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He should make you feel like a superhero. You should feel like you can be anybody and do anything when you're with him. You should be unafraid of the challenges in your life because he makes you confident that you are strong enough to get through them. When you're with him, you should feel like you can take on the world and win.
This doesn't just mean being that "silly you" that only your close friends or family know; it means letting him see you vulnerable, whether it's without make-up, after a sweaty workout, when you're afraid, or while you cry.^{[1]
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Make sure you don't feel ashamed around him. Do you feel the need to hide things around him? If you feel that you need to hide things about yourself or your life, then maybe he's not the one. He should love you no matter what, and if you worry that he'd leave you over your slightly-hairy wintertime legs, then maybe he isn't the one.
- Of course, that doesn't mean there won't be any conflict between the two of you! Differences in opinions and ideas will always come up, no matter how much you love each other. The key isn't unconditional agreement so much as it is a commitment to navigate conflict in healthy, respectful ways.
- See if it is possible to be direct, open, and honest with each other.^{[2]
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- Consider whether your partner hears your feedback and does reflective listening.^{[3]
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- Think about whether you can have a conversation with them to improve your relationship. For example, if your partner is secretive, can you tell them you feel insecure and ask them to be more open.^{[4]
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Do you imagine the two of you cozying up on distant birthdays or holidays? Do you fantasize about the apartment, house, pets, or even children you may one day have together?

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

How He Treats You

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1
Notice when he says "I love you". It's nice if he says "I love you too" after you say it but it's important that you aren't the only person saying the initial I love you. He needs to say it sometimes too. This shows that he thinks about how much he cares about you and that he's not just following the standard script that he feels is expected.
- Don't get too worried if he doesn't, though. Some guys are very shy about sharing their feelings. Ask him why he never says it first and tell him that you like to hear it. This might make him more comfortable saying it to you.
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Make sure he doesn't pressure you to become intimate before you are ready. Someone who wants to enjoy your body before your heart is willing clearly doesn't have your needs in mind. The same is true in reverse: if you aren't willing to wait for him to be ready, you may need to reevaluate the level of commitment you have toward him. If one or both of you can't see past your own desires when it comes to sex, you may also find it difficult to put the needs of the other ahead of your own desires when it comes to committing or starting a family.
- Keep the idea of balance in mind. Neither one of you should neglect the needs of the other, which means that, along with caring for his needs, you also need to make sure he cares for your needs!
If he frequently tells you what to do, tries to run your life, or manipulates your emotions to get what he wants, watch out! This guy is insecure and feels that he has the upper hand in your relationship. "The one" will be secure with you and let you be who you are.^{[5]
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If he refuses to include you in his social plans and avoids telling you what he and the guys did last night, he obviously isn't willing to include you in his life and might even be up to something shady.
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Notice whether or not he alludes to your future. If the two of you aren't in the stages of a relationship where you openly discuss future possibilities, pay attention to whether or not he drops any hints. Even something small, like wondering what the two of you will do for an event that's at least a month or two away, is a good sign.
- If he proposes to you too soon (e.g., before 1 year), take some time to analyze why he is rushing. If you are inclined to say yes, suggest a long engagement to be sure.
- If he absolutely won't discuss a future together – even after a significant amount of time (say a year) – he is probably not considering one.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

How You Treat Him

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This is one way of determining whether or not he weighs on your thoughts when he's not around; it's one thing to make room for someone in your life, but it's another thing to entirely make room for him in your mind.
Do you find yourself attracted to him even if he has food in his teeth, or has helmet hair? Or does your attraction wax and wane depending on how well he grooms himself for you?
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Notice if you're excited to include him in your life. Wanting to compliment him to your friends and include him in your family is a major vote of confidence. On the other hand, if you don't feel secure about a relationship, you may subconsciously find excuses not to introduce or discuss him.
- Do you include him in family plans, such as inviting him on your family vacation (or even simply assuming that he will accompany your family without needing an invitation)?
- Do you want to help him get along with his family (or even stick up for him) because it's important that they like you?
- Do you suggest that he should call your mother if he needs advice on cooking, cleaning, etc.?

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

How You Work Together

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1
Notice how you change each other. We often change, as people, when we're around another person a lot (especially someone we care about significantly). Sometimes we change each other for the better and sometimes we change each other for the worse. You will need to decide if you positively impact him and he positively impacts you.^{[6]
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- Do you find that either of you is becoming possessive, jealous, distrusting, lazy, or constantly stressed out? This is probably not someone you want to be around. They probably are not the one for you and you will not like the person you become if you stay with them.
- Do you find that you inspire each other to be better people? Do you strive for more from life and for yourself when you're with him? Does he do the same? Do you make each other kinder, happier people? This is a healthy relationship and you will only improve each other's lives.
Does it coincide with what you hope your future will be? Does he share the same values? For example, if you recycle and he throws trash out his car window, is this really going to work?
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Notice the ways you both say you care. Is he comfortable letting you see his tender side? Do you openly tell him you love him, even offering qualifiers such as "I love you a lot" or initiating the "I love you more" game?
- Look for discrepancies between what is said and what is communicated. We're often so blindsided by someone who waxes poetic about their love that we fail to notice whether or not they've done anything to back it up. At the same time, we might be so frustrated by someone who doesn't spout poetry that we overlook all the thoughtful, loving gestures they've made. Reflect on whether either of you fits into one of these categories.
It's often said that living together is the true test of compatibility; a relationship that takes place entirely in restaurants and parks might be wine and roses, but having to share dishes, watch each other shave, and trip over dirty laundry can dispel an illusion in no time. If you live together, how well do you compromise on individual and shared responsibilities? If you don't, have you at least swapped keys to each other's places? And if so, how welcome do you both feel?^{[7]
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Having your own separate interests will provide for a more interesting relationship and help you both to maintain healthy, independent identities. If the relationship is on the right track, you will feel comfortable and secure even when you are apart.^{[8]
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Community Q&A

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Question

How long must you wait before you know if he's the one?

Community Answer

There is no magic number or date. When you know, you know. That said, try and let the early feelings of infatuation (head-over-heels in love) fade a bit so that you have a clearer picture of the relationship, usually after 2-3 months.

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Tips

Being the best of friends makes a good relationship. It's important that you listen to each other and compromise things without too much argument.

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Take time to know your partner, know what he likes and doesn't. Make him feel like he's your priority.

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Get to know him at his worst. If you can accept that as part of the package then maybe he could be the one, but don't get into the relationship with the thought of changing certain aspects of him, it will only create stress and friction within the relationship.

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Warnings

If he does something you don't want to tell your best friend about, then seriously question if you're being honest yourself. If your close friend told you her boyfriend did the same thing, what would you tell her to do? Dump him? Talk to him? Calm down? Be honest with yourself and look after yourself as you would a good friend.

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If he makes major decisions (such as a career change or moving to a new city) without including you, he doesn't consider you to be a permanent part of his life.

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If, when you say, "I love you tons and tons and tons," he hesitantly replies, "Yeah, I love you too," he probably doesn't feel as strongly for you as you do for him.

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If he maintains a friendship with his ex but refuses to respect your boundaries and feelings on the issue, he doesn't consider you to be important enough to modify the relationship with his ex. (But remember, ultimatums aren't the answer! If he has an amicable relationship with his ex and you make unreasonable demands as to how much to talk to him or her, you may just convince him that he's with the wrong person.)

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