How to Start Dating

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Last Updated: November 18, 2024

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Dating is a great way to meet potential partners and have a good time with new people, but it is daunting to start dating. Remember, however, that dating does not have to be stressful. It is supposed to be fun and adventurous, and if you keep an open mind and stay patient you'll be meeting new dates in no time.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Finding a Date

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1
Think about what you want in a potential partner. Everyone has different preferences for romantic partners. You should think beyond physical attributes about what personalities you enjoy, what you need in a partner, and what you want out of dating. That said, there is no need to be super picky -- just give yourself some guidelines.^{[1]
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Research source} For example, you might ask:
- What kind attributes do I look for in my friends (funny, serious, creative, etc.)?
- Do I want a serious relationship or to casually meet new men/women?
- What are the "deal-breakers" that I absolutely do not want in a relationship?
2
Take care of yourself before looking for other people. Many people want to find a partner who will "solve all of their problems," but unfortunately such a knight-in-shining-armor rarely exists in real life. By having self-confidence, taking care of your body with diet and exercise, and looking presentable you signal to people that you are ready to meet a partner and are capable of having a relationship.
- Remember that you are not trying to trick someone into liking you. If the feeling is not mutual than that person is not worth your time.
- Keep yourself clean and hygienic. This is one of the most obvious reasons someone would turn down a date with you.
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3
Develop a strong network of friends. Having a solid social life not only helps you find people to date, it gives you a chance to go out into social settings without being alone. A strong group of friends will support you when dates go wrong and help you navigate the world of relationships as you start dating.
- Building a social network exposes you to many new people and personalities that can help you find dates.
- Ask your friends if they know anyone who might be interested in a casual date.
- Friends can often make the best romantic partners, when done correctly.
4
Learn to flirt. Flirting is often viewed as a secret art form, but in reality it is pretty easy. Study after study has shown that eye contact and smiling is the single most effective flirting technique around, so be happy and respectful and connections will follow.^{[2]
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Research source} Flirting is great way to try "pre-dating." Smile, make eye-contact, and have casual conversations to see if you want to see someone more often or start dating. If you think they might be a good match, slowly ramp up your flirting to show your interest by:
- Breaking the touch barrier -- touch a shoulder or knee lean in for a hug, or brush something off their clothes.
- Teasing-- light teasing, like making a joke about their drink choice or taste in a movie, is one of the oldest techniques in the book. If they tease back then you've made a connection.
- Asking questions. Genuine interest in someone is not only flattering, it lets you find out more about them and if they are a good match for you.
5
Sign up for an online dating profile. These sites and apps, like Match and OkCupid, help you find compatible dates in your area easily and safely, and are a great way to start dating. When things go well, you've made a great new connection. But if you two aren't a match then you will likely never see each other again and you can move on to other dates without feeling awkward.
- If you are chatting with someone online for more than 1-2 days it is time to pony up and ask them on a date.^{[3]
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6
Give your number out first. Make the first move and hand someone your number instead of asking for theirs. This shows that you have confidence and puts the ball in their court. If they are interested they will either call you or give your their number in return.
- Don't always expect someone to give you their number in return. If they are interested they will get in touch, and this is a great sign that there is chemistry between you two.^{[4]
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7
Ask someone on a date. This is the simplest, but hardest, step to start dating. If you never ask someone out then you will never start dating. Remember, however, that dating is supposed to be casual. So keep it casual! You do not need to profess your love and ask someone to a romantic dinner. Simply ask them if they want to come grab a drink or some food with you and see what happens.
- Just because it is "normal" for a guy to ask out a girl doesn't mean it is the only way to do things. No matter who you are, make the first move and ask.
- Try lines like, "I've loved talking to you, would you want to grab coffee sometime?"
- Be receptive when people ask you out. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out. Unless you know fully well that you would never date someone, a casual date won't hurt you.
8
Set a specific time and place for the date. If someone is interested, schedule a time to meet and exchange numbers. Don't wait for them to suggest something, or make your move without having specifics ready. If they say yes, suggest a time or location and figure out when the best time is to meet.
- Give them one or two options so that they don't feel like you're forcing anything.
- For example: "That's great, are you free Saturday or Sunday morning around 11?"

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Going on Your First Date

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If you've already decided that they are going to hate you, chances are good that you will feel awkward, anti-social, and down during the date. Whether you know it or not, your date will pick up on this. Similarly, if you already decide you don't like someone, you'll spend the whole date looking for faults and issues with them. Dating is supposed to be fun and casual, so go into each date with your expectations cleared and your head held high.
2
Make your first date low-key. Bring them to somewhere they like or feel comfortable. Mildly crowded restaurants, outdoor events, or small get-togethers are often the best places to go because neither party feels awkward pressure to be romantic or perfect. You will have plenty of time to be romantic. For now, focus on being yourself and having fun.
- Reader Poll: We asked 534 wikiHow readers, and 52% of them agreed that a coffee shop is the best place to have a first date. [Take Poll]
3
Know that dates are a way to get to know someone, not a test to impress them. Both parties on a date are trying to find out if they would be compatible together. Finding out if you're a good match with someone is hard enough, but it is near impossible if you spend all your time trying to make someone like you. What's more, putting on a show gives a false impression of you to your date, which will come back to bite you when your act falls apart later in the relationship.
- While it seems obvious, be yourself. You want someone to like you because of who you are, not who you pretend to be.
4
Focus on making conversation during dates. Good face-to-face conversation is still the best way to get to know someone. Luckily, conversation is something almost anyone can excel at. You don't need a list of topics to have a good conversation, just a willingness to go with the flow and ask questions. Feel free to share things about yourself, but when in doubt about what to say you should ask questions about them. People love to talk about themselves and feel like someone is interested in them. Ask about work, their family, etc, but whatever you do, be genuine. What do you want to know about them? What made you interested in them?
- The best questions are specific. Instead of "What do you do at work?" try "What do you enjoy about your job?"
- Don't make your date all about you. If you spend the entire date talking about how great you are, chances are good this will be the last date you go on with them.
- Avoid controversial topics like religion and politics on your first date. These topics are often incendiary if you don't know the person well enough to be respectful.
5
Make a move near the end of the date if you feel a mutual connection. While this seems tough to determine, the signals are actually pretty obvious. If your date leans in frequently, makes a lot of physical contact (shoulder touching, linking arms, etc.), holds long, strong eye contact, and smiles in your direction, they likely are into you. Start slow, perhaps by giving a compliment or moving in close to their face, and see how they react. If they don't pull away it might be time to go in for a kiss.
- If you are not interested in continuing to see someone, then politely say goodnight and go home. Do not feel like you need to kiss them or reciprocate feelings you don't share.
6
Set up another date if things went well. Casually mention that you'd like to see them again sometime. While you don't have to make plans on the spot, as it can seem a little clingy, say that you'll be in touch and would like to go for drinks. If they smile and agree, then you should try and organize another date in the next 1-3 days.
- Ignore things like "the 3-day rule" and just be yourself. If you feel a connection, pursue it whenever feels comfortable.^{[5]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Developing Relationships Through Dating

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1
Remember that a date is not a commitment. When you first start dating, it is natural to think that you need to go on 5-6 dates with someone you ask out. But if you do not feel a connection with someone then you should feel free to move on. Dating is supposed to be a fun way to get to know someone better, it is not a commitment to marriage or a relationship. If you don't want to keep dating, be polite and honest and break things off quickly.
- Never lie or ignore people you don't want to see, as this often creates more problems. Simply saying, "I had a lot of fun the other night, but I think I'd like to stay friends," should be enough.
2
Schedule more dates if things go well. You don't need to jump right into a relationship, but if you feel like you have a connection with someone then you should invite the person out again. If you're really into someone aim to go out for food, see a movie, go for a walk, or meet for coffee 1-2 times a week and see how things develop.
- Again, remember to keep things casual to begin. Meeting your parents, for example, usually happens many months down the line in a relationship.
3
Take your relationship slowly to start out. The rush of love is hard to overcome, but both you and your partner will be thankful if you slow down the relationship and get to know each other naturally. Avoid making huge plans for the future together or seeing each other every single night. While intimacy is not a bad thing, rushing into a physical relationship can lead to hurt feelings and complications if both partners are not on the same page. While you might want to spend your entire life with someone after a date, take your time understand your feelings before launching head over heels.
- Respect their privacy and history -- you don't need to know all of their exes on the second date.
- Spend nights at your own houses and avoid lots of early sleep-overs. You can always get serious later-- it is much harder to slow things down.
4
Build trust over time. If you really enjoy someone's company, you need to build a rapport that reaches beyond the latest Game of Thrones episode. Building trust requires a little vulnerability from both parties, but the reward is finding someone you can confide in and get truthful, helpful advice in return.
- Building trust requires giving trust. Share a small secret, insecurity, or goal and see if they are willing to open up in the same way.
- As you become more comfortable, you'll likely trust someone with more and more of your life. This is the foundation of a strong relationship.
You cannot still be dating around if you want to solidify a relationship. While many people have no problem with going on 2-3 casual dates early on, you need to make a commitment to someone if you want them to make a commitment to you. If you find yourself going on 2-3 dates with the same person, it is time to cancel any other romantic plans and stop searching for new dates. If this doesn't sound appealing, then you should be honest with your partner about your needs.
This is often a difficult conversation to start, but if you feel a connection they likely feel one too. After going on 3-5 dates, you need to sit down together and talk about where things are headed. Are you interested in a relationship, or do you want to take things slowly and see how they develop. Talking now will prevent heartbreak later.
7
Remember to set boundaries. No one likes it when you stop hanging out with your friends the minute a new love interest comes into the fold. Keep spending time with your friends, working, and seeing your family. You shouldn't feel like you need to spend every waking moment with your new flame. Instead, set boundaries between you so that you are comfortable doing your own thing from time to time. They will appreciate this too.^{[6]
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- Don't feel bad if you have to turn down the occasional date.
- Make time in your schedule for your old friends frequently -- they are the ones that will be there for you if something goes wrong.

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How can I meet someone to date?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Find potential dates through meeting people in everyday life. Meeting someone you like through a shared hobby, activity, or interest means that you'll immediately have something in common to bond over!

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Don't be fake to them and always be truthful to them. No one likes a poser.

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Be yourself. It seems obvious, but lots of people change who they are so that they are more attractive to someone.

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And don't worry because there will be someone out there made and tailored for you.

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Warnings

If it doesn't work out, and you feel like curling up in a little hole, take a deep breath and remember that you knew that it wasn't going to last forever.

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