How to Talk to Your Girlfriend about Sex—and Turn Her On

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: September 6, 2024 Fact Checked

You’re ready to have sex with your girlfriend, but you might not know how to tell her. It’s normal to feel awkward talking about sex, but discussing intimacy can actually be fun—and a big turn-on. We’re here to make it super easy to tell your girlfriend you want to be intimate for the first time or you want to have sex more often. Keep reading this article to learn how to talk to her about sex without jeopardizing your relationship or making your girlfriend feel uncomfortable.

Things You Should Know

Talk to your girlfriend when you’re both feeling relaxed.
Tell your girlfriend that you love her and you’re ready to have sex with her or that you’d like to be intimate more often.
Reassure your girlfriend that you care about her and want her to be comfortable.
When your girlfriend is ready, set a romantic mood, take your time, and enjoy the moment with her.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking to Your Girlfriend

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1
Explore your own feelings about sex before talking to your girlfriend. Having sex for the first time is an important step in your relationship, even if you’ve had sex before. Make sure you're confident about your decision to have sex because it’s okay to wait. At the same time, you can change your mind anytime.^{[1]
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- Leading up to sex, you and your girlfriend can build intimacy through other forms of physical contact, like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling.^{[2]
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2
Pick a calm moment when you’re alone to talk. Since sex is an emotional topic, wait for a moment you’re both relaxed. It’s best to talk to her in a place that’s less intimate, like a coffee house, instead of when you’re cuddled up together.^{[3]
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Research source} Make time to talk to her when:
- You can be alone together.
- You haven't just had a fight.
- You won't be interrupted by anything else.
- You're relaxed.
- You're not in the heat of the moment or about to become intimate.
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3
Tell your girlfriend how you feel.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Talking about sex can feel mega awkward, but what you’re feeling is totally normal. Since your girlfriend doesn’t know what you’re thinking, you’ll have to open up to her if you want to take the next step in your relationship. Be honest with your girl, and encourage her to share her feelings, as well.^{[5]
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Research source} Be romantic by complimenting her and sharing your emotions.^{[6]
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- “I love you so much, and I feel so close to you. Now that we know each other so well, I’m ready to be intimate. What do you think?”
- “Lately, we’ve grown so much closer together. You’re so important to me, and I really want to take our relationship to the next level. I think we’re ready to have sex, but I want to know how you feel.”
- “You’re so beautiful. I love you so much, and I want to be with you. How do you feel about having sex?”
- “Our relationship is amazing, and I love spending time with you. If I could make one thing better, I’d increase how often we’re being intimate. How do you feel about that?”
- “You’re such an amazing girlfriend. Being intimate with you feels amazing, so I’d like to do it more often. How do you feel about our physical relationship?”
4
Ask each other questions about your sexual histories. Talking about your pasts is part of having safer sex. Before you get intimate, have an open and honest talk about all things sex. Ask about things like:^{[7]
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- Your previous partners.
- Any prior sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs).
- Your sexual preferences.
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Talk about safe sex. You and your girlfriend will feel much more comfortable if you have a conversation about safe sex and birth control before you have sex. Be honest with each other about what your preferences and expectations are for safe sex. You could talk about:^{[8]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

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- Will you get tested for STIs?
- What kind of birth control will you use?
- Are you going to be monogamous?
- Is anything off limits?
6
Ask her what she likes. You’ll both enjoy the experience more if you know how to please each other. Find out what she’s liked in the past, and how she enjoys touching herself. Additionally, encourage her to tell you when you’re making her feel good. You could ask her things like:^{[9]
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- What are your fantasies?
- What have you liked in the past?
- How do you like to be touched?
- Are there certain places you don't want me to touch?
Emily Morse, Author & Sex Therapist

Open communication around sex is healthy. "We have no examples of people talking about sex in a healthy way. We have a lot of shame around it because, if sex does come up in a conversation, it's usually something negative."
7
Get her consent. Make sure she’s ready to be intimate before you have sex. Consent means that she’s clearly and willingly saying “yes” to intimacy. Keep in mind that both of you can change your mind about consent at any point, even if you initially wanted to have to sex.^{[10]
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- If she is silent or doesn't answer, that is not consent.
- If you have to beg, force, or manipulate her into having sex with you, that is not consent.
- Either one of you can withdraw your consent to intimacy and sex at any time during your relationship.
- "No" means "no."
8
Respect her decision rather than pressuring her. Your girlfriend may not be ready for sex, and she might need to think about it first. Give her all the time she needs to feel comfortable. In the meantime, reassure her that you’re ready to talk when the timing is right for her.
- Say something like, “I’m super nervous, too. I don’t want to rush you, so it’s okay if you’re not ready. I don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”
- You could also say, “I don’t want to pressure you at all. Just being with you is enough.”
- It’s okay for your girlfriend to say “no” even if you’ve been together for a while or she’s had sex with someone else.^{[11]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Creating an Intimate Mood

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1
Do something relaxing together. Enjoying a nice moment together helps you and your girlfriend connect. You might go on a nice date or just spend time together around the house.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source

HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

Go to source} You could:
- Have a quiet dinner together.
- Go on a walk.
- Watch the sunset.
- Take a shower or bath together.
- Do yoga.
2
Touch her. Sharing touches is a great way to have some foreplay leading up to sex. Subtle touching will make her want more, and pretty soon you’ll both be aroused. Start touching her casually while you’re relaxing together, then slowly get more intimate.^{[13]
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- Kiss her.
- Hold her hand.
- Stroke her arm.
- Give her a gentle shoulder massage.
- Tickle her.
- Stroke her thigh.
- Always check-in with her as you touch her to avoid making her feel pressured to have sex. You can ask, "Does this feel good to you?" or "How are you feeling?"
3
Set the mood. Create a sensual environment to help ease you into an intimate moment. A little romance helps your girlfriend feel comfortable, turned on, and wanted.^{[14]
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Research source} To turn on your girlfriend, you might:
- Dim the lights.
- Put out candles or light a fire.
- Put out soft and clean sheets.
- Put on soft jazz or other instrumental music.
- Eat sweet fruit or chocolate.
4
Be romantic. Romance is usually a big turn-on for women, so it’ll help you set the mood.^{[15]
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Research source} It’s really easy to be romantic with your girlfriend—it’s all about being thoughtful. You could:^{[16]
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- Buy her flowers.
- Write her a love note.
- Send her a romantic poem.
- Cuddle in bed.
- Surprise her with a picnic.
- Give her a random compliment.
5
Focus on her. You’ll both enjoy your intimate moments more if you’re fully present. Try to clear your mind of things like work, school, or how you look. Just be with her in the moment, and everything will feel right.^{[17]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

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- Some ways to be mindful, or in the moment, include focusing on your breathing and hers, noticing the sensation of her skin on yours, and paying attention to any sounds she's making.
- Being present in the moment can improve sexual performance, as you are more tuned into cues from your partner. It can also decrease performance anxiety, as you aren't focusing on what might happen or the future, but what you are feeling, doing, and experiencing only in that very moment.^{[18]
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Take your time. Sex isn’t something you need to hurry through. Just enjoy being with your girlfriend and making her feel good. Be playful, touch each other, and ask each other what feels good.^{[19]
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Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital

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- Say things like, “How does this feel?” and “Do you like this?”
- Tell her, “That feels good,” or “I like it when you touch me there.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 1556 wikiHow readers what they would consider to be a genuine orgasm, and 57% said involuntary muscle contractions. [Take Poll]

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Keeping Intimacy Alive

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1
Prioritize your relationship. Your sex life will thrive if you make time for each other. Spend quality time with your girlfriend and communicate with her so you can strengthen your emotional intimacy. Tell her often that you treasure her, and be open to working through any rough patches that come up.^{[20]
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- Share meals together.
- Take walks and talk together.
- Exercise together.
- Text each other throughout the day.
2
Put yourself in a sexy mood. You and your girlfriend may not always want intimacy at the same time. Learn what turns you on and try to focus on that so you can have sex more often.^{[21]
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Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public

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- Read something erotic or romantic.
- Listen to a sexy song.
- Wear lingerie.
- Think about the last time you had sex with your girlfriend.
3
Try new things. Be adventurous to spice up your intimate moments. Try not to stay in the same routine to keep intimacy alive and fun. Always remember to be safe and get your girlfriend's interest and permission before you try anything new. You might consider:^{[22]
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- Trying a different location or room, not just your bedroom.
- Trying to be intimate at a different time of day than normal.
- Trying new positions.
- Buying her new lingerie.
- Using sex toys.
4
Flirt with your girlfriend. Flirting with each other helps keep your chemistry alive. Try to flirt with your girlfriend like you did when you first started dating. You might send her a sexy text message during the day, or dress up a little to catch her attention.^{[23]
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- Make flirting part of your foreplay. Start it early so that you’re both revved up by the time you’re ready to be intimate.

Join the Discussion...

Basic pointers how to dirty talk?

37

WikiLemmingFlyer757

I (m33) have been with my gf (f34) for 2 years now. We both want to spice things up in the bedroom a little more with some dirty talk, but neithe... Read More

WikiAntelopeKeeper764

You'll get better and more comfortable as you go, I promise. :) A good "beginner-friendly" technique is asking her what she wants you to do to he... Read More

WikiGladeJumper104

Communication is key here! Different people like different things. Talk to your partner about if there are certain names or dynamics that especia... Read More

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Tips

Be gentle and pay attention to her body language. If she seems a bit scared or nervous, check-in with her and let her know how you're feeling, too.

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Make sure you both feel relaxed and comfortable.

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Warnings

Talk about birth control methods before getting more intimate and having sex. Make sure you both agree and have a plan.

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Never push or force someone to have sex with you if they're not ready. Remember that either one of you can say “no” at any point during the encounter.

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