11 Reasons You Can't Stop Thinking About Someone

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Reasons you can’t get someone out of your head & how to move on

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Annabelle Reyes

Last Updated: August 20, 2024 Fact Checked

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Reasons You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone

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Signs It May Be a Problem

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How to Stop Thinking About Someone

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Expert Interview

Are you struggling to get someone out of your head? Are you finding it impossible to stop thinking about a crush, an ex, or a friend you had a falling out with, no matter how hard you try? You’ve come to the right place! We interviewed expert mental health professionals and put together a complete guide on why you keep thinking about someone, and what to do about it.

Things You Should Know

You may be thinking about someone because you're attracted to them, or you admire their positive traits and accomplishments.
If you can’t stop thinking about an ex, you may be idealizing your relationship with them, or you may have unresolved feelings about them.
Conditions such as anxiety, depression, and OCD can play a role in ruminating about friends, exes, or crushes.

Section 1 of 3:

Reasons You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone

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You’re attracted to them. If you have a friend or acquaintance that you just can’t stop thinking about, you might be romantically attracted to them.

When you’re attracted to someone, your brain releases feel-good hormones like dopamine, leaving you giddy and excited.This temporary high mimics the experience of addiction.^{[1]
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You might be thinking about this person so much because you’re chasing this euphoric feeling. It may also be a sign that you're beginning to have deep romantic feelings for this person.

Reader Poll: We asked 962 wikiHow readers, and 69% agreed the surest sign of developing deeper feelings for someone is constantly thinking about them and fantasizing about being together. [Take Poll]

You admire them. If you’re not attracted to this person, you might simply admire them and want to be like them. They may exhibit praiseworthy traits, like kindness or intelligence. Or, you may admire their professional or creative accomplishments. This admiration is natural, and it’s typically harmless.

On the more extreme end, however, it can become dysfunctional. For example, if you’re thinking about a famous actor or musician to an excessive degree, this parasocial (one-sided) relationship could negatively affect your real relationships and personal well-being.^{[2]
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They’re “the one that got away.” If you can’t stop thinking about an ex, you might be fantasizing about what could have been. This is especially common if you’re feeling frustrated with your current partner.

As licensed professional counselor Dr. Tara Vossenkemper explains, “Some days, you might be stressed and overwhelmed by the things that your partner does that you don’t like. On those days, you might mentally float away to the other partner you had who never did this stuff.”

When you’re doing this, you’re likely remembering a better, idealized version of your ex while dismissing the issues that led to your breakup.^{[3]
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Research source} It’s easy to get attached to these fantasies, which might be why you can’t stop thinking about this person.

You have unresolved feelings about them. If you’re thinking about an ex, or about someone you had a crush on but didn’t date, it might be because you feel like you have unfinished business.^{[4]
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If you did have a relationship, you might feel like it ended too abruptly, denying you closure. If you never dated, you might be wondering what could have been if you had told them how you felt. Both of these situations could cause you to ruminate about this person.

You’re lonely. When you’re feeling lonely, you’re more likely to ruminate on negative thoughts.^{[5]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

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If, for example, you can’t stop thinking about an ex-friend you’ve had a falling out with, it might be because you’re feeling isolated and craving the social connection you used to have in this friendship.^{[6]
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Your attachment style is playing a role. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may be prone to overthinking, and you likely need a lot of reassurance in a relationship or friendship.

For example, you might worry that your partner doesn’t love you anymore, or that your friend is upset with you, even when they’ve given you no reason to think this.

If you can’t stop thinking about a friend or partner even though nothing seems to be wrong, learning about your attachment style could be helpful.^{[7]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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You’re struggling with your mental health. Rumination (repetitively thinking or dwelling on negative feelings) is common in certain mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression, and OCD.^{[8]
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If you’re thinking about someone in a way that feels excessive or distressing, one of these conditions could be playing a role.

A condition called limerence may also be a factor. Limerence is essentially an infatuation or obsession with someone that stems from romantic attraction. It stems from anxiety and shares some symptoms with OCD, though they aren’t the same.^{[9]
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Section 2 of 3:

Signs It May Be a Problem

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Your thoughts may be linked to a mental health issue. Unwanted or excessive ruminations about somebody could be a sign of conditions like anxiety, depression, or OCD, which can cause you distress and impact your quality of life.^{[10]
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Research source} Here are some signs there’s a deeper issue at play—if you notice any of them, reach out to a mental health professional.
- The thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, but you can’t seem to stop them.
- The thoughts are excessively frequent, making it hard for you to focus on other things like your job, school, or relationships.
- The thoughts are causing you emotional distress.
- You feel emotionally dependent on the person you’re thinking about, to the point where you can’t be happy if they aren’t reciprocating your feelings.
- You experience intense mood swings depending on whether this person is showing you attention.^{[11]
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- You're having a hard time respecting this person’s boundaries, making repeated unwanted attempts to contact them, following them, or spying on them.^{[12]
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Section 3 of 3:

How to Stop Thinking About Someone

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Tell them how you feel. Though this might not be an option if you’re overthinking about an ex or ex-friend, it can be helpful to tell a crush how you feel. This can be nerve-wracking, but it also helps you interrupt the cycle of overthinking.

It's important to accept this person’s answer even if they don’t reciprocate your feelings.^{[13]
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Research source} If they don’t like you back, at least you’ll know where you stand, and you can start the process of moving on.

Remember, there’s no need to be embarrassed! Rejection from a crush is a natural part of life, and everyone goes through it at some point. It has nothing to do with how special you are.

Work on acceptance. If you can’t stop thinking about an ex or a crush who has rejected you, try your best to accept the reality of the situation. This is the first step to moving on and breaking the cycle of thinking about this person.^{[14]
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As Dr. Asa Don Brown explains, “It’s important that you accept the events as they are…Ideally, the end of the relationship should be cordial, respectful, and most of all, accepting.”

Remember, you can’t control other peoples’ emotions. This person wasn't the one for you, and that’s okay! You'll get through this, and eventually you’ll connect with the person you’re meant to be with.

Challenge your idealizations. If you can’t stop thinking about an ex or “the one that got away,” remember that your perception is likely skewed. Everything looks better in hindsight, and there’s a good chance you’re remembering the good things while forgetting the red flags and incompatibilities.^{[15]
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If you catch yourself idealizing, pause and reflect on the entirety of the relationship. What did you disagree on? What role did each of you play?

Write your reflections down, being sure to include the bad along with the good. This helps you remember the truth of the situation, rather than an idealized version.^{[16]
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Prioritize self-care. Whether you’re ruminating about a crush, an ex, or a friend you’ve had a falling out with, self-care can be a helpful tool to redirect your thinking.

Dr. Brown suggests activities such as “meditation, journaling, deep breathing, athletic and artistic activities, and other methods with which you can calm your inner person.” Do whatever makes you feel peaceful and brings you joy!

Distract yourself. If you’re ruminating about someone, it can be helpful to distract yourself with enjoyable activities.^{[17]
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Research source} Focus on your hobbies, or even pick up a few new ones. Spend time with friends and family who make you feel safe and happy.

This interrupts the cycle of negative thinking by giving you something more positive to focus on.^{[18]
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Talk to a professional. If your thoughts about this person are persistent, excessive, or causing you distress, seek out treatment with a licensed therapist or counselor.

If a mental health condition is playing a role in your symptoms, there are many available therapies and medications to help get you some relief.^{[19]
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Research source} Therapy can also be helpful if you’re dealing with an anxious attachment style.^{[20]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.

1

Stop Being in Love With a Person You'll Never Meet

2

Effective Ways to Get Over Someone You Love

3

How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated

4

Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams

5

Stop Liking Someone

6

Overcome an Infatuation

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