Why Ghosters Come Back: What to Expect & How to Deal With Them

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: May 19, 2024 Fact Checked

Has an old flame who ghosted you suddenly sent a confusing "I miss you" text out of the blue? Ghosting refers to ending a relationship (both romantic relationships and friendships) suddenly with no explanation. Ghosters can take days, weeks, or even months to get back to you, but there are many reasons why they might decide to come back into your life. Sometimes they do it for selfish reasons, and other times the ghosting can even be unintentional. Read on, and we'll show you all the reasons ghosters can come back—and how to deal with each one.

Things You Should Know

Ghosters sometimes come back for selfish reasons. They might not want you to move on, or they could be bored and looking for a hookup.
Some ghosters come back because they want favors or emotional support. On the other hand, a ghoster could come back if they miss you.
Your ghoster might not even know that they ghosted you, so clarify the situation (and your needs) with them before moving forward. Try not to make assumptions on their intentions.

1

They're using you as a backup plan.

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Some ghosters keep people on the hook to always have a date. Players often use "ghosting" to keep their options as open as possible. They'll drop all contact with you because they're interested in someone else, but save your number to return to the "backburner" relationship when their main relationship inevitably dies down.^{[1]
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- Look for signs that they're a player who dates around while texting and ghosting you. If their social media shows that they're seeing other people, they’re likely using you as a backup.
- You deserve to come first in your relationships! If they treat you like a backup, don't be afraid to close the door on that relationship for good. Don't engage when they text you again; focus on finding someone new.

2

They don't want you to move on.

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Ghosters can show up if they see you're interested in someone else. When a ghoster isn't ready to commit but doesn't want you to move on, they'll return to try and get you back on the hook. It might seem strange, but ghosters often don't want old flames to move on because it damages their pride—or because they have feelings for you but don't know what to do about it.
- If a ghoster comes back to stop you from moving on, you might notice that they make false promises about committing to the relationship every time, only to disappear again.
- Feel free to give a ghoster a second chance if they claim to have feelings for you, but don't give them endless chances. Someone who repeatedly deceives you isn't worth your time.

3

They assume you'll always be there.

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Some ghosters return because they think you'll allow it no matter what. When you're the type of kind-hearted person who is always there for others, a ghoster might take advantage of your willingness to forgive and forget. A ghoster's bad behavior is not your fault at all! However, tolerating it repeatedly reinforces the message that they can do it as much as they want.
- To end the cycle, putting your foot down and cutting the ghoster off is best. Tell them firmly that you need some space.
- For example, try saying, “I care about you, but I can't wait around when you disappear for weeks at a time. I’m looking for a stable relationship.”

4

They're bored.

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A ghoster often seeks attention from anyone who will give it. Unfortunately, some people have shorter attention spans in their relationships. They get bored easily, ghost you, and then realize they're bored alone, too. So they send another text or call out of the blue, but it's really because they're looking for a bit of fun or a quick distraction, not a serious relationship.^{[2]
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- This pattern can also be cyclical if your ex frequently pops back up claiming to be bored or lonely but never shows interest in a formal relationship.
- Clarify that you're looking for someone who can always be there for you. For example, you could say, “It’s important to me to feel connected with my significant other and text regularly. Can you do that?”
- If they can't fulfill your needs, then it's time to part ways and move on.

5

They want an easy hookup.

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Ghosters call people they already know for sex because it's convenient. To ghosters, it's easier to revisit an ex than to meet someone new and seduce them. In that case, the ghoster might reach out to you with a weak apology or excuse for ghosting and focus their efforts on sweet-talking you into taking them back.^{[3]
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- If you want to try again but worry they're looking for sex, you could say, “I’m still interested, but I don’t want intimacy right now. I’d like to get to know you better first! Is that something you’re interested in?”
- If your ghoster is serious about rekindling the relationship, they'll agree to your boundaries and stick around. If not, at least you'll know the real reason they came back, and you can move on.

6

They need emotional support.

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Ghosters return when they're struggling and need a shoulder to lean on. Your ghoster might hit a rough patch in life; maybe they're arguing with a friend or having trouble at work. Suppose they suddenly text you out of the blue and immediately start telling you about some dilemma or problem they're having. In that case, they might just be reconnecting with you for emotional support.^{[4]
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- They might need something else from you instead. Sometimes ghosters come back if they just want to call in a favor.
- Emotional support is a 2-way street. If your ex isn't willing to do the same for you, you don't have to step in whenever they come to you with a sad story.

7

They're looking for a rebound.

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A ghoster might come back if they got rejected and want a quick fix. "Rebound" relationships occur when one person is dumped and immediately enters a new relationship for a confidence boost. Moving on after a relationship is healthy, but rebounds typically don't last because they're more about showing up an ex than enjoying the new relationship.^{[5]
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- Avoid getting involved with them if they're on the rebound. You can check social media and dating profiles or ask them directly if they've just been in a relationship.

8

They're reminded of you.

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Some ghosters see (or hear) something that makes them think of you. Not every ghoster has a complex or hidden reason for coming back! Sometimes, they just get reminded of you and take it as a sign that they should call you. If a ghoster likes you and gets frequent reminders, they might just come back asking you to hang out again.
- For example, a ghoster might hear a song you recommended, or their friends might simply ask about how you're doing.
- This isn't necessarily a good or bad sign; it just means you're on the ghoster's mind. Whether you want to try again or break things off finally is up to you!

9

They’re narcissistic.

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Narcissistic people often blow hot and cold to get an ego boost. Narcissistic behavior involves delusions of superiority and an inflated sense of self. Unfortunately, if your ghoster has narcissistic tendencies, they might just return to prove that they can have you whenever they want you by taking advantage of your feelings for them.^{[6]
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- Learn to identify narcissistic behavior, so you avoid it in the future.
- If you determine that your ex is purposefully manipulative, do your best to cut them off and move on from the narcissistic relationship.

10

They genuinely miss you.

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Your ex might realize they still want to see you after ghosting you. Sometimes a ghoster comes back simply because they've discovered that they don't want to lose you after all. Some exes ghost because they think there's a better option out there, but then quickly find they missed the steady, happy relationship they had before. Ghosters like that might be asking for a new chance.^{[7]
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- It's okay to take someone back after they ghost you, as long as they apologize for ghosting in the first place. If they're not sorry for doing it (or don't understand what they did wrong), they're more likely to do it again.

11

They realize that you still like them.

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Some people ghost because they think you just aren't interested. Ghosting can result from a misunderstanding! If you unintentionally act disinterested in a relationship, your ghoster might assume it's easier just to cut contact and move on. However, if you show them that you do actually miss them too, it's easier to get your ghoster back for good.^{[8]
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- For example, you can use texts to show them you like them so your ghoster knows that getting back together is an option!

12

They feel guilty about ghosting you.

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A ghoster might realize they were being selfish and want to apologize. Ghosting on a date or a relationship is taking the easy way out, suddenly dropping the other person rather than considering their feelings. A few ghosters might realize it's not a nice thing to do, so if they suddenly come back (with heartfelt apologies), they feel guilty about treating you unkindly.^{[9]
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- Everyone makes mistakes. If your ghoster returns with a good apology and renewed commitment to the relationship, it's okay to let them try to make amends.
- You can choose to forgive the ghoster and give them another chance, or you could forgive the ghoster but decide not to rekindle the relationship.

13

They're trying to start something with you.

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In some cases, a ghoster who hates you may feel so angry that they compelled to attack you. Unfortunately, some ghosters tend to be straight up bullies and would want to insult or bash you. They may have a grudge on you or learned something about you which may compel them to bash you!
- It's best to ignore them if they start insulting you, instead of trying to start a fight with them.
- Don't give them a reaction, or politely ask them to stop.

14

They ghosted you without realizing it.

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In some cases, people can lose contact without meaning to! Not every ghosting is deliberate. They might have accidentally ghosted you after having a rough couple of weeks at work, for example, or while enjoying a busy weekend getaway. If they don't realize it's a problem, a ghoster might leave you hanging for days and come back like nothing is wrong.
- Don't assume they ghosted you just because they became inactive. They could just be inactive without trying to ghost you. It's possible someone might be dealing with mental health struggles, a major life event, overwhelming tasks at work or school, or anything else in their personal life that could be preventing them from responding to messages. If you know the person is living a hectic life at the moment, it's best to avoid drawing conclusions. Even if you don't know that, unexpected events can happen in another person's life.
- Ask what happened before you jump to conclusions. Life may have gotten in the way for them, which can result in a sudden and unexplained hiatus. Since ghosting may happen when there's a sudden lack of communication, it's beneficial to ask what's going on instead of assuming that they deliberately ghosted you.
- If your ghoster doesn't see the problem, help them. Ask them directly if they understand what happened or meant to ghost you. Then, let them know what you need going forward.
- For example, you could say, "Hey, I didn't hear from you for a week there. Did you mean to ghost me? I understand being busy, but I need you to at least check in once every day or so."
- Once you set your boundaries, they should be able to give you what you need—and if they don't, you'll know the ghosting is intentional next time.