PDF download Download Article
Is it love or limerence…and can it be both?
PDF download Download Article

The “honeymoon phase,” “love at first sight,” an “instant connection…” These are all terms we’ve heard used to describe the type of love everyone hopes for—but these whirlwind romances can be more overwhelming and confusing than we’d expect. These early stages of infatuation are known as limerence, which almost everyone experiences at some point in their lives. If you think you might be in limerence (and are looking for the tools to navigate it), you’ve come to the right place. We’ll explain the 4 stages of limerence, how you might feel in each one, and how to move on to a better relationship with your romantic partners and yourself!

Things You Should Know

  • The four stages of limerence are attraction, obsession, elation and frustration, and resolution.
  • These four limerence stages help us understand the experience of intense romantic obsession and infatuation.
  • Limerence and love are not the same. Love requires acknowledgement of flaws, but limerent people idealize their partners and don’t see the whole person.
Section 1 of 3:

The Four Stages of Limerence

PDF download Download Article
  1. You start to get to know your crush and tell each other personal things. This is the stage where you may be able to remove yourself from the situation before the feelings become obsessive.[1]
    • You may feel excited, anxious, energetic, or euphoric. You may find yourself struggling to sleep at night and daydreaming frequently.
    • At this stage, enjoy the thrill of this new relationship. Get to know the person for who they are, but stay grounded and realistic in your feelings.
  2. In this phase, you’re all in with the other person. Attraction builds, and you feel more understood by your lover than anyone else. However, you don't see the other person’s flaws or spot their red flags, and you may sacrifice your beliefs and morals for theirs.[2]
    • You may feel intense longing and frequently fantasize about your future together. You may have heightened sensitivity, anxiety, insecurity, as well as a present fear of rejection.
    • At this stage, take time to process your emotions. Remember that your body is having a chemical reaction, and your feelings may not be totally rational.
    • Consider whether your feelings are based on the reality of this person or on your idea of this person.
    Advertisement
  3. The third stage of limerence is a rollercoaster of intense highs and lows. The relationship is starting to deteriorate, and the euphoric falling-in-love feelings are wearing off. Your partner may be pulling away and you’re desperately trying to get them back, or you’re seeing the other person more clearly and feeling confused and sad about where your perfect person went.[3]
    • You may feel whiplash from moving between feelings of disappointment and exhilaration. You might feel angry and resentful while struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, or low self-esteem.
    • At this stage, focus on yourself and your needs. Practice self-care and spend time on your hobbies and goals.
    • Remember that your self-worth isn’t defined by someone else’s interest in or idea of you—if this person isn’t reciprocating your feelings or attention, try to move on.
  4. The limerence must come to a resolution: in most cases, the feelings gradually fade away as the passion dies down. If you still have feelings, but the other person doesn’t, you must accept that your feelings are not reciprocated and move on. If you both still have strong feelings and commitment to the relationship, you can turn the relationship into a long-term bond.[4]
    • You may feel acceptance of the situation and relief at the freedom of letting go. You might even feel grateful for the experience and the emotional maturity it brought you.
    • At this stage, reflect on the romantic experience and relationship. Try journaling or using mindfulness techniques to get in touch with your emotions. Identify the lessons you’ve learned through the challenges.
  5. Advertisement
Section 2 of 3:

What is limerence?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Limerent people obsessively think about their crush to the point that it impacts other areas of their lives. While their crush may not have outright rejected them, they also haven’t professed their love—leaving an uncertainty and irresolution that leads to a rocky infatuation.[5]
    • It’s normal to be overly-focused on your crush when you first develop feelings—psychologists only consider limerence to be unhealthy when it becomes all-consuming and you feel almost addicted to the other person.
  2. Love happens when you can see a person clearly and get to know them for who they are (including their flaws). In limerence, you may see the person as an idea or concept and focus more on your idea of them rather than who they really are.[6]
    • Limerence may turn into love, but it takes reciprocated feelings from both partners and an acknowledgement that the limerence was just one phase of their developing relationship.
  3. Advertisement
Section 3 of 3:

Limerence Symptoms & Causes

PDF download Download Article
  1. A limerent person may obsessively analyze the behaviors to try to assess how they feel. They also may frequently fantasize about their future together. Other symptoms include:[7]
    • Constantly being reminded of their crush by random objects, places, or situations.
    • An intense fear of being rejected by their lover.
    • Describing the object of their affections as “perfect” or their “soulmate.”
    • Constant mood changes based on the other person’s actions.
    • An abnormal amount of time and money spent trying to look good for their crush.
  2. Other environments and experiences can also make someone predisposed to limerence. People with anxious attachment styles may often find themselves in limerent relationships because they tend to cling to relationships based on fantasy.[8]
  3. Advertisement

Join the Discussion...

WikiCloudDancer332
29
I don't think I've ever been in love before, but I know it's supposed to be the best feeling in the world. What does it feel like? How do you kno... Read More
Jessica George, MA, CHt
5
Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
I believe with every fiber that it is a matter of biochemical response. When we "fall in love," there is something that happens inside of us that... Read More
WikiLionWhisperer670
15
Wow, where do I even start. When you're in love, your partner is all you can think about. You wake up thinking about them, find yourself daydream... Read More

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement

Video

Tips

  • Limerence is not currently considered to be a mental disorder, although it has been compared to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and substance use disorder (SUD). If you think your limerence is severely impacting your mental health, reach out to a qualified counselor or psychologist.[9]
  • Limerence can be a normal experience, so don’t beat yourself up about it! Just be realistic about your emotions and use the tools and strategies mentioned in this article to move forward.
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement

You Might Also Like

KissKiss
Turn a Guy On Turn on a Guy
Impress a Girl with WordsImpress a Girl with Words
Birthday Wishes for Girlfriend100+ Loving, Funny & Appreciative Birthday Wishes for Your Girlfriend
What Are the Bases in DatingWhat Are the Bases in a Relationship? Defining the Baseball-Sex Metaphor
Know if Your Girlfriend Is Horny Tell if Your Girlfriend Is Horny: 12 Signs She's Turned On
Good Morning Message to Make Her Smile100+ Good Morning Texts for Her (& Other Ways to Make Her Smile)
Make a Girl Feel Special Through TextMake a Girl Feel Special Through Text
Happy One Month AnniversaryCelebrate Your One Month Anniversary with These Sweet Messages
Flirty Questions to Ask a GirlQuestions to Ask a Girl to Increase Intimacy
Show Appreciation for Your Girlfriend in Words11+ Heartfelt Messages to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Appreciated
Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come BackSigns Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
What's a Story to Tell Your Girlfriend15 Sweet and Romantic Stories to Tell Your Girlfriend
Drinking Games for CouplesThe 25 Best (and Spiciest) Drinking Games to Play as a Couple
Advertisement

About This Article

John Keegan
Reviewed by:
Dating Coach
This article was reviewed by John Keegan and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophie Burkholder, BA. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 55,991 times.
13 votes - 82%
Co-authors: 3
Updated: August 11, 2024
Views: 55,991
Categories: Relationships
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 55,991 times.

Did this article help you?

Advertisement