How to Accept Your Boyfriend's Interest in Pornography

Co-authored by Jessica January Behr, PsyD

Last Updated: June 24, 2024

No girl would rank the time when she walked in on her boyfriend watching porn as one of the top five best moments of her relationship. Still, the fact that your boyfriend watches porn may make you feel insecure or upset, or think that it poses a threat to your relationship. It is up to you to evaluate your values and determine whether or not porn is "okay" or "not okay". Watching porn is a common activity for men and women, not just men exclusively. It is important to recognize that if you want to accept your boyfriend's interest in pornography. This article is for people who do not think of porn as a deal breaker and would like to accept the porn into their relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Adjusting Your Mindset

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1
Talk to your boyfriend about it. Have an open and honest discussion about how his porn use makes you feel. Let him know what you're thinking and feeling, what doubts you have, and ask him some questions about his views on pornography. You'll feel better if you put your feelings out there and let him know what you're thinking and feeling. If he respects you, he'll respect your views and will take the time to listen to you.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} You can even ask him about his reasons for watching it, if you like, if you are concerned that he is aroused for the wrong reasons.
- Just know that many men view their porn watching as a very private activity, just like masturbation, and your boyfriend may not want to discuss every little detail with you.
- If you can both be open and understanding of one another, that is a good sign that you can grow together intimately with or without porn.
2
Don't try to ban it, but establish each other's boundaries to the relationship. Unfortunately, if you know you are not okay with porn and you try to keep your significant other from watching it, you may fall into a pattern of being the "porn police". This behavior causes distrust in the relationship, and can cause him to keep his porn use hidden from you, or cause tension and discomfort while talking about the subject. If you feel okay with the porn, the concept of keeping him from watching it should not arise. If it is only certain genres of porn that upset you, make sure to talk about this with him and let him know why it makes you feel the ways you do. If you are unsure, try to imagine yourself watching porn, or maybe you do watch porn. If you can understand the reasons he may have for watching porn or the reasons you enjoy watching porn, you can mutually grow and include the porn into your sex life. Understand your feelings before you act. If you feel tempted to snoop, or pick through his search history, you may find at the end of that road even more distrust and dishonesty. If your boyfriend is okay with you watching porn, and he also thinks it is okay for him to watch porn then the two of you can have a better, open conversation on how you can incorporate it into your bedroom and fulfill each other's fantasies.
- Porn is a substance that can be addictive, and if you believe that he may have an issue based off of how the porn effects your relationship, he also has to see that. If he agrees with you and would like to stop using porn not only for the relationship, but also for himself. You can grow together, although it will not be easy and the use of counseling, couples counseling, or online programs like No Fap, will help significantly. If your boyfriend does not see eye-to-eye with you and how you feel, he will most likely do nothing to change, and you cannot change him even if you try.
- If he chooses to stop using porn, he will still masturbate and he'll still have fantasies. If you are thinking of banning porn to make your boyfriend only think of you sexually, that is not reasonable. Men and women both fantasize about people who are not their lover, it could be movie stars, people from real life, a cartoon, whatever it may be... It is hypocritical to believe that you can have freedom over your fantasies and he can not.
When you and your boyfriend are hanging out watching TV, going for a run, or having a romantic dinner, understand that you may have thoughts about the porn and you may question if he is thinking about the porn while you spend time together. For men, usually their porn use is separate from the relationship and used as non-attachment and impersonal fulfillment of pleasure. Enjoy every moment you spend with your boyfriend, and know that he's enjoying every moment too.
You do not think of porn as cheating or you do think of it as cheating. Some men and women are not okay with porn and know how they feel about it being in a relationship. If you are uncomfortable and feel like his excitement of watching other women engage in sexual acts is cheating, then that may mean you are not okay with the porn. Do not feel like you have to rationalize his porn use and discount your feelings. If you feel that it is not cheating, then you probably just think of it as a pleasurable movie, the videos do not pose a threat to your relationship and you may define cheating as being something you can only do with a real person. Your definition of cheating matters, and understanding what your partner's definition of cheating is will help you feel more secure in your relationship or find points where you both will need to find compromise.
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Ask yourself if you have any objections to having porn in your relationship. If you have values that don't align with the genre of porn he watches, communicate that.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} If you feel like the porn has a negative effect on your trust for him (if he was hiding it from you) then understand that the porn may not be the core issue, dishonesty could be the primary issue to deal with. It is essential to understand your own feelings and beliefs, and ask yourself if you can see yourself in a long term relationship with your partner and not having an issue with porn. It's important to be honest with yourself an d be clear with your partner.
- If you are triggered by porn and have insecurity because it brings you to your past, you may want to explore yourself further and see if porn is the issue or if there is trauma you need to work through. If you have a hard time sorting through your feelings about the porn, seeking a friend who is understanding may help. If you feel that you can't consult a friend, there is professional help or advice online and in person available. It is okay to feel like you are okay with porn and then later feel not okay with it. People change everyday, and getting to know yourself while getting to know another person in a relationship can be difficult.
- Identify your insecurities, if any of them root directly to porn and the nature of porn, then you may not be okay with porn itself. If the insecurities you have go back to dishonesty, trust, or intimacy, you should consider bypassing pornography as being an irritant to the initial, core problem.
- If you have had cheating boyfriend in the past, or your boyfriend has cheated on you, you may feel like porn is a window for cheating, or that he may still be cheating on you.

Part 2

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Taking Action

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Know if he has a real problem with pornography. There's a difference between being a casual porn watcher and having a porn addiction. If your boyfriend is obsessed with watching porn and sneaks away to watch porn every chance he gets, then he may be having a real problem with a porn addiction and should seek help. Though most of the time this is not the case, it's important to know that it's a possibility.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}
- Ask yourself if his porn habits are affecting your relationship, replacing the time he spends with you, and generally making it difficult to be romantically involved. If this is the case, then you may have a real problem on your hands and should discuss next steps.
While this isn't for every couple, if you see nothing morally objectionable about porn though you have never watched it before, or if you've seen it before and are curious about what it's like to watch porn as a couple, then see if you and your boyfriend can have a kinky time watching porn together. Your boyfriend may not think this is a good idea, and if he doesn't, you shouldn't push him on it too much. And if you do watch it with him, watch it for the enjoyment of watching something sexy together, not to gauge his reaction to see how much he really likes it. This will make him self-conscious and unlikely to enjoy himself.
3
Try to use the porn to discuss your boyfriend's sexual fantasies. Many men say that they watch porn as an escape, and that they'd never want to do the same things with their girlfriend that they see people doing on television. Yet, sometimes the stuff he watches on porn can make him yearn for something with you, even if it's just some harmless role playing or some time spent having sex in a new position or making out in a new location. Talk to him about it to see if the conversation may take your own relationship to a new level.
- Your boyfriend may want something in the bedroom but may be too shy to ask unless you press him. Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to do anything that you're uncomfortable with. The fact of the matter is, a lot of porn does objectify women, and you don't have to do anything that makes you feel demeaned or worthless.
- And hey, you can use this as a time to tell your boyfriend about any fantasies you may be having as well.
- This doesn't mean that your boyfriend will jump for joy when you ask him about what he's watching during his porn solo sessions. It may make him uncomfortable, and that's only natural too.
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Discuss your next steps. Once you've had an open and honest discussion about watching pornography, then you and your boyfriend can discuss what next steps you can take. Here are some options you may decide on:
- Breaking up. Though breaking up over your boyfriend watching a regular amount of porn alone may not be that common, the porn watching can be indicative of larger issues that may have brought the relationship to a status of beyond repair.
- Watching it together. If you don't find porn offensive and are curious about what turns your boyfriend on, then this may be an option for you. Just make sure he's comfortable with it.
- Having your boyfriend try to watch porn less, or not when there's a chance you may walk in on him, if that's what you really want. Though you don't want to force your boyfriend to curb his desires or to become too secretive around you, this may be the best option you come up with.
If your boyfriend is suffering from a porn addiction and you want to help him overcome it, then you may choose to see a counselor together, or to have him see a counsellor. Or your conversation about porn may lead to your realization of larger problems in the relationship, such as issues related to infidelity or insecurity. If this is the case, then you may need to seek outside help for your relationship.

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How do I discuss pornography with my boyfriend?

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.

Jessica January Behr, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

The last thing you want to do is be punitive. This is a great opportunity to grow closer with your boyfriend through communication. You can let him know how much this bothers and affects you, but always remember that his consumption of porn is not really up to you. As porn can be a somewhat sensitive and embarrassing topic, try to be cautious when bringing it up.

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Question

Is watching porn a deal breaker?

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.

Jessica January Behr, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

In some cases, yeah. If pornography is something that makes you feel unsafe in the relationship, you should bring it up with your boyfriend and discuss it. Set your expectations and communicate your values. Also, talk about what you consider necessary for you relationship and analyze if you're truly compatible in that way before taking action.

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Question

How can I be comfortable with my boyfriend's interest in porn?

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.

Jessica January Behr, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Understand that people have different opinions on pornography and its effects on relationships and health. Try to think about why it makes you uncomfortable. Is it a moralistic thing? Does it affect your self-esteem? Is it a religious question? Answer those questions yourself and talk to your partner to see what you can do about it.

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If watching pornography is not okay with you, make yourself heard. If he isn't willing to change it, you'll have to decide whether or not you can accept it. Maybe this isn't the guy for you.

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Watching porn is sometimes, but not always a way out of loneliness, depression, and lack of self confidence. Helping his confidence would be a good place to start but remember to approach this carefully. After all this is not always a problem for men. But tell him if you strongly disapprove and be open to his opinions.

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If he has come to you and said he watches porn it is a very good sign. This means he trusts you with a sensitive and sometimes embarrassing subject to talk to loved ones about. You MUST be careful and treat it delicately. Yelling at him or putting him down MAY cause him to watch porn even more by stressing him out.

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Warnings

He may have issues which will require the advice of a professional therapist. Any behavior that removes you from family or loved ones in an unhealthy way may be an indicator of a sexual dysfunction.

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Honestly talk with him and support him. With porn addiction, usually the first person to find out is the addict. If he has a problem, help him. Addiction to anything is a disease.

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Many men watch porn that may show specific fetishes and fantasies that he enjoys WATCHING but doesn't feel the need to do in reality, so it's unlikely that he's expecting you to want to try everything you may see in the porn he likes. As long as the porn contains no illegal activities and is between consenting adults it's important for you to try to be supportive about the occasional indulgence even if it's something you see as "weird".

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Just because he watches porn does not mean he is an addict. In fact, more than likely he is not, since it is a widespread practice.

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