How to Become Comfortable Around Girls

Co-authored by Eddy Baller

Last Updated: March 16, 2021 References

So you aren't a naturally easygoing Casanova. Don't worry, most people are more like the Big Bang Theory's Rajesh Koothrappali than they are James Bond. Being shy around girls is hardly a unique issue, and as such it is one you and others can learn to deal with. Girls are human beings too, with tons of insecurities just like you. With a little preparation and coaching, you'll be on your way to smooth in no time.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Building Your Confidence

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You've got to be comfortable in your own skin if you want to be comfortable around girls. Most women are more naturally attuned to social cues and signals than men are, so if you're an insecure phony, they'll probably catch it.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} Challenge your negative thoughts and reinforce your positive ones to build self confidence. ^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source

Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
^{[3]
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Research source} You can't reek of desperation. You need to be comfortable on your own so you won't be reliant on the approval of others. If you aren't reliant on girls for approval and self-validation you'll find yourself far more comfortable around them.

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Learn something new. Engaging in self improvement is key to becoming comfortable and confident in your own skin. You don't need to be a genius, but improving your knowledge and learning new skills will help you become more self assured and confident.^{[4]
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- You'll also never lack for an interesting answer when a girl asks you what is new!
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Exercise and get in shape. You don't need to look like a bodybuilder or athlete, but taking positive steps to improve yourself physically works wonders. Not only will you feel more attractive, but your brain will release mood and confidence boosting endorphins that will improve your self esteem long before you see a difference in how you look. ^{[5]
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- Improving yourself physically and engaging in activities that challenge yourself will both build confidence and get you used to pushing the limits of your comfort zone. ^{[6]
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Part 2

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Honing Your Skills

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1
Acclimate yourself to girls. Force yourself to be around girls as much as possible. Inoculate yourself to their presence. Find common ground (or mention your new knowledge, hobby, or skill!) to start up conversations.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} No matter how much you work on everything else, you'll never learn to be comfortable around girls if you stay behind a computer screen.
- More importantly, the more you are around a girl, the more likely she is to enjoy your company.^{[8]
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  Research source} There are obviously caveats for being overbearing, but for the most part girls will like more when they are around you more.
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Take advantage of social groups. You don't have to start by striking out on your own and spending time with a girl 1 on 1. You can meet and spend time with girls in groups of mutual friends. Make a decision to interact individually with girls when given the opportunity in this situation. You automatically have the safety net of a group for both parties to hang out with if things get awkward or you start to become nervous.
- You can also use a social group as a low pressure opportunity to invite a girl to spend time with you when she perhaps she wouldn't have otherwise. Example: "Hey Becky, my friends and I were going to see the new movie. Have you seen it yet? We thought you might like to come."
3
Engage in person. It is time to practice building connections. In an unobtrusive way, try to listen for and observe the habits and interests of girls. Use these observations to strike up conversations with girls. More often then not, they'll be happy to talk about the subject, giving you a low stress opportunity to listen and have them drive the majority of the conversation. For example:
- Compliment a girl on her new hairstyle and ask why she decided to change it.
- See that a girl is wearing school or community sports apparel, mention that you like the sport, and ask how long she has been playing.
- Notice a girl's tan and ask if she has been to the beach recently.
- Observe palm calluses or scraped shins and ask when she got into weightlifting.
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Develop further contact. Once rapport has been established, you can try to get girls' phone numbers or social media contact information. This doesn't have to seem like asking a girl out - but it sure is good practice! The ability to chat over text can help you learn to talk to girls in any environment.
- Be sure not to get tied to only communicating electronically! It is a good start and good practice, but not everything!
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Don't let rejection get you down. When asking for a girl's contact information, it is okay if they decline. It shouldn't shake your confidence, nor should you become pushy. Even the best baseball players fail to get on base over half the time. Don't let rejection get you disappointed.
- Occasional rejection and disappointment are actually healthy. Getting rejected and then bouncing back will condition you to realize that rejection is totally normal and okay!^{[9]
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Part 3

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Getting in the Game

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1
Project welcoming body language. Your body language can say a lot! You don't want to be telling girls that you are nervous, or worse, that you don't want to talk to them.^{[10]
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Research source} Your words might sound comfortable and engaging, but if your body language is off, they'll be as nervous as you are and the interaction will be awkward.
- A smile works wonders! Also keep your hips and shoulders open to potential conversation partners (crossed or folded arms and hands are bad!)
- Use reasonable hand motions, gestures, and eye contact while speaking. You'll appear more engaging, plus the physical movement is an outlet for stress, relaxing and soothing you.^{[11]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  
  Go to source}
- Casually make friendly physical contact when appropriate.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Eddy Baller
  Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} A tap on the forearm to draw attention or a touch on the shoulder when passing are perfectly normal and are very easy physical icebreakers.
2
Engage in conversation. Girls are actually very much like guys, and enjoy talking about many of the same things. Discover mutual interests and focus on those, or let her know that you are curious about her interests. Conversations with girls are probably easier than you think, especially when you are talking about a comfortable subject that you already like.
- The most important part of a conversation? Being a good listener.^{[13]
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  Research source} If you are a good listener, both guys and girls will be more than happy to pour out their hearts and minds.^{[14]
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  Expert Source
  
  Eddy Baller
  Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.} The best part is that you won't even have to talk too much if you aren't comfortable doing that.
- Listening is the most important communication skill you can have.^{[15]
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  Research source} Being a good listener will also demonstrate that you care about the other person, rather than being focused on yourself.
3
Do things together. The easiest way to not only break the ice but also build comfort in a relationship is to do things together. This doesn't have to occur in the format of a date. By having your attention focused on a particular task or activity, nervousness is less likely to creep in. It is a much more low pressure way of building comfort and getting to know one another than an extended 1-on-1 conversation or date.
- Find activities that involve common interests or responsibilities. Walk your dogs or do your homework together.
- Suggest new adventures that you both might be interested in. If you both do something new, you'll be more nervous about and focused on the new activity, rather than your nervousness about being around a girl.^{[16]
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Expert Q&A

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Question

How can I stop being shy around girls?

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach
Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.

Eddy Baller

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

You should try putting yourself out there and strike up conversations with people. It doesn't matter if you're talking one-on-one or in a group. Just practice having casual chats with people to boost your confidence.

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Tips

Remember that you probably already are comfortable talking around girls. Mothers and sisters are girls too! Just talk to other girls with the same confidence you talk to family members with.

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Relax. This is a tired cliche, but that doesn't make it less true: Be yourself.

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Try to be around more friendly, outgoing girls. They are often much easier to talk with and the practice can help you become more comfortable too.

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Warnings

Don't follow "Pick-Up Artist" (PUA) advice. Tips like "Negging" and "Peacocking" don't actually make you better with or more comfortable around girls. They just reduce interactions with girls to a narrow and predictable set of meaningless and juvenile scripts. PUA behavior is immature and embarrassing.

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