How to Confront Someone Who Has Hurt You

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: August 2, 2024

When someone has hurt us, we will carry that pain until we can find a way to forgive the other person. We may think we are retaliating for wrongs done to us if we refused to forgive, but holding that grudge hurts us far more than the other person. Forgiveness is a process, though, and not an easy one. An important step toward forgiveness can be to confront someone who's hurt you. This is never easy—and there's no guarantee confrontation will lead to restoration. But sometimes we need to take this step for our own healing.

In their excellent book Break Through: When to Give In, How to Push Back, Dr. Tim Clinton and Pat Springle offer advice based on experience of counseling people in unhealthy, codependent relationships. “Confronting someone who has hurt us is a very difficult and threatening task. When we actually walk into the room and see the person's face, we may become confused, shut down emotionally, or become violently angry,” they write. Follow the steps below that Clinton and Springle recommend when confronting someone who has hurt you (this process comes from the pages of their book Break Through).

Steps

Download Article

Write out what you want to say before you sit down with the person, so that you won't get taken off track, do it. Don't blame and don't use accusatory language, just state your feelings. Use “I feel …” statements, not “you did …” statements.^{[1]
X
Research source}
You don't have to resolve every argument you ever had with this person.^{[2]
X
Research source}

Advertisement
3
Set the agenda. Since you're the one who's called this meeting, you get to decide what topics will be discussed. Again, writing down what you want to talk about might help. Stay in control, stay calm, stick to your agenda, don't get pulled down rabbit trails. If the other person starts blaming you (and they likely will do so) just acknowledge their feelings, which leads to the next point.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- When you are in control, you have an ability of being composed, attentive, and respectful. Don't show threatening or hostile behaviors.
While it may seem counter-intuitive, listen as much as you talk. When the person responds, repeat what they've said to make sure you understand. One of the most effective ways to confront someone is to “hold up a mirror” by repeating what he has said or describing what she has done. You might say, “This is what I hear you saying...” Repeat or rephrase what the person has just said to you. Quite often, they'll feel understood and gratified that someone else can articulate what they are feeling or thinking.^{[4]
X
Research source}
Don't get sucked into old patterns. Your job here is not to fix the other person or make them feel better. It is to have an honest conversation.^{[5]
X
Research source}
Own what is yours, but don't accept blame for what is not.^{[6]
X
Research source}
Your freedom is not dependent on their apology, but on your own decision to confront and set boundaries. “More commonly, a person's first response is a fierce defensive reaction to being confronted,” Clinton and Springle write.^{[7]
X
Research source}
8
“Forgiving doesn't mean we have to give in to manipulation. It doesn't mean we have to blindly trust again. It doesn't mean the hurt is magically erased. Reconciliation is based on trust, and trust must be proven over time.”
- Forgiveness is not creating the justification for others to do wrong or to get away with deeds that are egregious. It is rather about allowing these events to be alleviated from your mind and body.
- Forgiveness leads to a healthier and happier life, and creates room for healthier communication.
- Sometimes, forgiveness just means that you can walk away from the person who’s wronged you without feeling guilty or weighed down by the past.
- Reader Poll: We asked 845 wikiHow readers who've been hurt by a friend or loved one, and 49% of them agreed that they would just walk away from that person. [Take Poll] So if someone in your life isn't treating you right, it may be time to forgive and move on.

Forgive & Move Past Betrayal With This Expert Series

It's hard to restore trust once it's been shattered, but it is possible. We've put together this expert series to help you move past betrayal and find the courage to forgive, rebuild, and move on.

1

Forgive Someone Who Lied to You

2

Rebuild Trust

3

How to Forgive Someone Who Traumatized You

4

Confront Someone Who Has Hurt You

5

How to Spot a Liar in a Relationship: 15 Ways to Tell

6

Deal With Betrayal

Community Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Question

How do I cope with my parents telling me to die because I told them that I was feeling suicidal?

Community Answer

This behavior from your parents is not okay! Tell another adult you trust about your feelings and your parents' response.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 8 Helpful 72
Question

My friend went to the beach for Easter break, and invited everybody in our group but me to go with her. What should I say to her?

Community Answer

Just tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't understand, she is not a true friend.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 7 Helpful 57
Question

I've heard from a relative that my closest cousin said that she hates me because I love Korea (I'm a big fan of K-pop). I want to confront her but I don't want things to get awkward. What do I do?

Community Answer

Don't let her hate you for what you love! You can have great relationships with other people, even if you are interested in different things than they are. Maybe you can show her just how great K-pop is, or even just ask her what she has against it. Don't get angry, try to have a calm conversation about it.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 4 Helpful 35

See more answers

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Tips

Seek out healthy relationships with people who will encourage and support you as you set boundaries with difficult people in your life.

Thanks
Helpful 97 Not Helpful 10
Forgiveness is not dependent on the other person. The reason you forgive someone is to rid yourself of the burden, not let them off the hook.

Thanks
Helpful 103 Not Helpful 18