How to Date Across a Language Barrier

Co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW

Last Updated: February 21, 2024 References

If you've ever tried to date someone who did not know your language, then you know the complications and difficulties that might arise, but there are methods to help you overcome these language-related challenges.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Having a Successful Date

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1
Don’t be too nervous. There will inevitably be some mishaps and miscommunications, but don’t worry about that too much. You both know that these things will happen, and you will have a better time if you just go with it and relax.
- There will always be things in life that you cannot control. When dating someone who speaks another language, understand that there will be some problems with communication, and rather than getting upset, just keep moving past it.
2
Learn to laugh at yourself. Rather than getting frustrated or upset if you have trouble communicating something with your date, laugh it off. Laughing is a universal language—anyone can understand it! If you both relax and laugh off the issues and keep moving forward, your date will go much smoother.^{[1]
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- There will probably be some awkward moments, just like any other first date. Learning to laugh at yourself in these moments will make them much more bearable and even enjoyable.
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Avoid sarcasm. One of the trickier things with trying to communicate in a language you don’t know very well is that it will be much harder to pick up on nuances like sarcasm. Try not to use sarcasm while speaking with your date, as you might unintentionally offend them or confuse them.
- Even if sarcasm is like second nature to you, understand that it probably won’t come off the way you intend for it to when your date doesn’t understand your language very well. Just be straightforward and clear.^{[2]
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Be prepared to speak slower and repeat yourself. You may have to repeat what you have said once or twice for your date to fully understand you. Be patient, and speak a little slower. Enunciate your words clearly, and try to language that is a little more simple and clear.
- You also might consider going on a date in a location that is quieter and more relaxed. This way, you won’t have to talk over any loud noise.
5
Find new ways to be romantic. Having a language barrier does not have to automatically eliminate the romance from those first few dates, no matter how challenging it might seem at first. There are ways to be romantic without using any words at all.
- Simply giving your date flowers, opening doors for them, or putting your arm around them can help create romance without saying a word at all.^{[3]
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- Smiling and making eye contact will also help forge that romantic connection, despite any problems you might be having with verbal communication. Use body language to let your date know you are enjoying yourself and their company.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Understanding Your Date’s Culture

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Take the time to research the culture in your date’s home country. If you speak different languages, it’s likely you come from different cultural backgrounds, as well. Understanding your date’s culture and how it differs from your own can help prevent any unintended disrespect when communicating with them.
- Dating and relationships are often viewed differently in different cultures, too. Make sure you understand how your date views romantic relationships, so you can both be on the same page.^{[4]
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Understand colloquialisms and slang. When learning a new language, we usually learn the formal version of that language. Slang and colloquialisms are present in every language, and you will likely learn these more from native speakers than from a textbook.
- Slang is a way to forge commonality between different people who speak the same language. By learning a few slang terms here and there, you will be able to communicate in a more relaxed, informal way with your date.^{[5]
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Learn your role in the relationship. Even if you are just beginning to date, you and your partner might have different ideas as to what role each of you will play in the relationship, due to your differing cultures. It’s important to learn and understand these roles early on.
- Because of the language barrier, it might be difficult to establish these things. Be as clear as possible when communicating your ideas.
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Ask questions. If you are curious about your date’s culture, ask them about it! If the language barrier is making it too difficult to do so, you can rely more on research you do on your own.
- By making the attempt to understand your date’s culture and background, you will show them that you care, and that you are really interested in making the relationship successful, despite the language barrier. ^{[6]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Learning Your Date’s Language

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Use language-learning software and textbooks. You might think you can just rely on your date to help get you by and teach you the basics, but your best bet for learning a new language will be textbooks and software designed to help you learn. There are a great many books and software options for you to choose from.
- There are many online-based programs you can use, both free and for a fee. Consider how much time you will want to dedicate to learning the language before you make a big purchase.^{[7]
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- Using language textbooks and dictionaries always helps, but make sure you get a book that shows you how to pronounce the words phonetically to avoid any mishaps.
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Read your favorite novels in the language you want to learn. It might seem silly to try to read a book in a different language, but reading is one of the best ways to learn a new language. Reading a book allows you to see the language in action, rather than just word-by-word.
- Books will teach you all different aspects of the language, including grammar, sentence structure, and style. They’re also an enjoyable way to experience your favorite books through a different lens.^{[8]
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Avoid using your date as a constant translator. If you constantly ask your date how to say things in their language, they might start to feel a bit bored or even more like a tutor than a romantic partner. Try to avoid alienating them by consistently asking them to translate for you.^{[9]
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- Don’t spend entire date nights trying to learn the language from your partner. Try to brush up on the basics ahead of time, and use your time together to try to establish your relationship.
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Use a dictionary. Keep a pocket dictionary in your date’s native language with you when you are together. That way, you can look up words on your own and better keep up with the conversation.
- There are also apps available for smartphones that you can use when you need to translate words from another language. These apps might be more handy than carrying a physical book.^{[10]
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Coping With a Language Barrier

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Use other forms of communication. Just because you might have difficulty with verbal communication, you can still interact with your partner in different ways. There are types of nonverbal communication you can employ.
- Use hand gestures and facial expressions to better communicate your ideas. A study found that vocal tonality and body language were better indicators of the emotion behind the words than the actual words.^{[11]
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Be patient with one another. A language barrier can be a tough hurdle to get over, especially in a romantic relationship. It’s important that you don’t get impatient with one another while you try to learn how to communicate.
- Misunderstandings and difficulty having quick, easy conversations are normal when there is a language barrier. Be prepared for these things, and be patient when they arise.^{[12]
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- Understand that conversations will take longer. Even simple discussions about where to go for dinner, or how your day was might end up taking longer than if you were speaking to someone who understands your native language.
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Clarify any misunderstandings. Even though you might just want to nod and agree when you don’t understand something your partner has said, it’s important that you let them know you didn’t understand, and work to clarify things. Like any relationship, being open about these things is pertinent.
- Cultural differences can lend themselves to unintended disrespect or offense. Make sure you speak up if you misunderstood, and help clarify things to your date if they have misunderstood you.^{[13]
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EXPERT TIP

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist

Take a moment to reflect if you become upset. Lauren Urban, a psychotherapist, says: "It's important to take a breath and center yourself so you can think about why you feel insulted or attacked, especially if the person doesn't necessarily have the same language background. Ask yourself, 'Is there anything else this person could possibly mean, and do I need to react the way my hurt feelings are telling me to react right now?'"
4
Focus on clarity rather than eloquence. Even if your sentences have to be shorter and more concise, getting your point across should be the objective. Don’t worry too much about sounding like you are more well-versed in the language than you really are.
- Use short, simple sentences. Emphasize your words with gestures and facial expressions. These kinds of actions might help fill in the gaps left in your actual words.

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Tips

Despite what was said earlier in the article about using your date as a constant translator, it's OK for you to ask about their culture or to practice speaking his/her language with her.

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Look for other ways to express an idea to get around a word you don't know. Describe something or act it out.

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Be patient - it is hard to communicate when you are faced with an impatient person sitting across from you.

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Warnings

Expect misunderstandings to happen sometimes even when you think you communicated clearly. Both of you will be trying to figure out what the other said and so you'll jump at an interpretation that makes sense but may not be right. (if this happens, don't worry. Just ask for him/her to explain it in another way)

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