How to Handle a Player: Beat Them at Their Own Game

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Protecting your heart while having fun with a player

Written by Kate Dreyfus | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 4, 2023 Fact Checked

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Managing Your Expectations

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Playing a Player

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Keeping a Player Interested

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

When you’re in the dating scene, you’re bound to encounter a player eventually. Players aren’t really interested in a serious relationship, but they might pretend to be just to get closer to you. If you don’t mind having a casual fling and you want to spend more time with a player, then we’ve got the tips for you. We’ll give you all the advice you need for dealing with a player to eventually beat them at their own game.

This article is based on an interview with our holistic love coach and intuitive healer, Kate Dreyfus, owner of Evolve & Empower. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Play hard to get by not answering texts right away and letting the player know that you’re too busy to hang out with them.
Maintain a sense of mystery about yourself by keeping key details about your life private. Leave a player wanting more by not elaborating about your life.
Take control of the relationship by suggesting hangout spots and dictating your own schedule.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Managing Your Expectations

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1
Date a player if you don’t want a serious relationship. If you’re sensitive, looking for true love, and want someone you can spend a lot of your time with, then consider looking for someone else. However, if you’re okay with being with someone who sees other people, and with seeing other people yourself, then go for it.^{[1]
X
Research source} You can tell someone is a player by looking for these signs:
- They never talk about the future.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Maya Diamond, MA
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.}
- They don’t seem genuine.
- They make you work for their attention.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Courtney Quinlan
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.}
- They don’t open up to you emotionally.
2
Keep your expectations low. They can take you out to dinner, they can kiss you passionately in the moonlight, and they can whisper sweet nothings in your ear all night long, but they won’t be there to pick up soup for you when you’re feeling sick or to meet your mother. Always remember that a player is here for a good time, not a long time, to avoid getting your feelings hurt.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.}
- Though some players do change and settle down, this is not the norm.
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3
Be open to dating other people. If you’re the jealous type, then dating a player might not be for you. However, if you’re okay with more casual flings and don’t care who else is texting your partner—and don’t care if they know who else is texting you—then you’ll be able to deal with the player much more easily.^{[5]
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Research source}
- If you express jealousy, then the player is likely to back off, since they won’t have the patience to deal with it. As soon as you start getting suspicious or antsy, they'll begin to suspect this isn’t the right thing for them.
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Stick to casual dates that don’t require commitment. Players aren’t there to take the big relationship steps with you. There’s no sense in trying to get a player to really commit to you, whether you want them to move in with you, meet your sister and friends, or take a weekend hike with you. If they’re not into all that, then trying to force it will only make them more cautious around you. Of course, wanting commitment is perfectly natural, but it’s not likely that you’ll be getting it from a player.^{[6]
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Research source}
- Instead, let things go at their own pace. In an ideal situation, things just reach a natural progression, and you’ll both grow closer when the time is right. If you feel like you’re always pressuring them, then it’s a sign that you want something more and that you should move on.
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Don’t take the player too seriously. Don’t read into every little phone call, text message, or Instagram post that they make, thinking that it means something big for your relationship. Be more lighthearted, and you’ll save yourself a lot of stress in the process. For instance, if they show up late to your date, chastise them a little, but don’t let them ruin your night. After all, a player sticks to their own schedule.^{[7]
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- Being with a player is all about having fun and enjoying the carefree benefits of the relationship. If you hold the player to the same standards as a serious partner or spouse, then you are bound to be disappointed.
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Keep the player at arm’s length.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.} The best thing you can do with a player is not let them get into your head or your heart. Don’t think about taking vacation with them next summer. Don’t think about what a great parent they’ll be, or how sexy they’ll look with some gray in their hair. Remind yourself that this is a temporary relationship to avoid heartbreak in the future.
- If you find yourself getting lonely when you’re not with them or wondering what they’re up to, then it’s likely that you’re already emotionally invested. It’s natural to become attached in a relationship, but if you’re dating a player, this is a sign that you need to take a step back.
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Set boundaries with the player.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.} Let them know early on what’s okay and what’s not. For instance, maybe you’re not okay when they disappear for hours with no explanation. Or, maybe you get uncomfortable when they check out other people in front of you. Express your boundaries and consider moving on if the person you’re dating doesn’t respect them.
- “I know we’re just casually dating, but I’d really like it if you could stop checking out other women in front of me. It makes me uncomfortable.”
- “You can’t just blow me off and miss our date without texting me, okay? It’s fine if you’re a little late, but if you’re not going to show up at all, I need to know.”
- “I get that this is a mostly physical relationship, but I’m not okay with being a booty call. I’d like to go on a date first before going back to your place.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Playing a Player

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1
Beat a player at their own game. If you really want to date a player, then you can be a player too, if that’s your thing. If they’re seeing other people, then what’s to stop you from hanging out with others, too? If they go out late at night without telling you what they’re up to, you’re free to do the same. You don’t have to play a player if that’s not your thing, but it’s a great way to keep a player on their toes.^{[10]
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Research source}
- However, if you were dating a player without realizing it, that’s a different story. If you found this out the hard way and you’re much more into monogamy, let them know that they really hurt you, but don’t feel compelled to fight fire with fire if it’s not in your nature.
2
Play hard to get to grab their attention. If they think you’re at their beck and call, there won’t be any incentive to chase you down. To play hard to get, don’t be there to answer the phone every time they call. Don’t be available if they ask you out the day-of, or even the day before. Flirt with them, but don’t make them think they have you in the palms of their hands.^{[11]
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- Give them compliments about their appearance or personality, but don’t tell them how much you love them (or even like them).
- Make a player work for it. Have them take you out on nice dates and make plans with you ahead of time to keep your attention.
3
Keep your guard up. Don’t let a player get to know exactly who you are. Reveal a few things, but don’t pour out your heart and soul, or you’re bound to be disappointed. Don’t lie or pretend like you don’t have feelings, but don’t be completely vulnerable around the player unless you want to get burned. If they start opening up to you a bit, follow suit, but make sure not to give too much up at once.^{[12]
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Research source}
- Letting your guard down can be tempting, especially if you’re with someone you’re really starting to like. However, the more you reveal, the more you’ll regret later when your relationship is over. Tell them what’s on your mind, but avoid telling them your deepest, darkest secrets.
4
Maintain your friendships and your hobbies. Don’t spend all of your time hanging out with your new boo. Stay independent, and keep up with your friends. Spend time doing what you love, from yoga to writing poetry, and be open to forming new relationships, too.^{[13]
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Research source}
- Don’t ever forget about spending time with your friends. They will center you and will remind you of who you really are.
- Pursuing your own hobbies and interests can help you develop your identity and to stay centered. Don’t give up the things you love to do on your own to spend time with the player all the time.^{[14]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kate Dreyfus
  Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
  
  Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.}
5
Spend quality time with other people. Don’t count on a player for too much quality time. Though you may go out once or even twice a week, they won’t be the person who watches TV in their pajamas with you all day, and they won’t be free to meet up for lunch or brunch whenever. If you’re codependent or the type of person who loves spending 24/7 with whomever they’re dating, then this player is probably not for you.^{[15]
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Research source}
- Instead, fill your schedule with time with your friends, as well as time to be on your own to decompress and do your own thing, and you’ll be better off.
6
Be friendly with the player’s friends. If they’re a true player, then their friends may not take the time to really get to know you because they’ll be seeing you as the latest “Flavor of the Week.” If you do meet their friends, though, be kind and friendly toward them without getting to know them too much. Even players care what their friends think about their partner, so try to make a good impression.
- You may not think their friends are the greatest people in the world, but nothing is stopping you from saying hi and asking how they’re doing when you see them. Make it easier for yourself to get along with them, and your time with the player will be more enjoyable.
7
Stay in control of the relationship. Don’t let your date make all the calls. A player might think they can tell you where to meet up and what to do all the time, but it’s up to you to show them you have other ideas. They can pick where to hang out sometimes, but push back occasionally. Set your own schedule for dates and meet up whenever it’s best for you. Staying in control of the relationship will make the player see that you’re a force to be reckoned with.
- If the player feels like they have you under their thumb, they’ll be much less intrigued than they’d be if you’re behind the steering wheel.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Keeping a Player Interested

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1
Keep your options open. That’s right. If you want the player to stay interested, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, either. Make it known that you’re open to seeing other people, that you’re not closing down your walls just for them and that you’re just as free-spirited as they are. If you’re looking for something more serious and know they’re not it, it’s cool to keep hanging with them while looking for something more.^{[16]
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Research source}
- Plus, if you’re looking for something more than a player, keeping your options open can lead you to find that special person you were looking for. If you’re bogged down with a player all the time, you may be missing out on the perfect match for you.
2
Keep the player on their toes. Keep a player interested by making them feel like they never know exactly what to expect from you. Challenge them, prove them wrong, and don’t let them “teach” you how to do everything (even small things, like playing pool or mini-golfing). Let them see that you’re watching them and you want the player to bring their A-game.^{[17]
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Research source}
- Show them that you’re capable, too. If they tease you, respond with a quick comeback. If they spout off their baseball knowledge, spit out a few impressive facts.
3
Be a bit mysterious to keep a player guessing. A player doesn’t want someone who puts it all on the line. Don’t let them know exactly who you are and what’s on your mind. If you’re stepping out to meet a friend, don’t say who it is. If you moved around a lot as a kid, leave it at that instead of giving all the details. If you show up late, don’t say what held you up all the time.^{[18]
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Research source}
- Though you don’t need to wear black sunglasses or an edgy hat, work on being less forthcoming so the player will have to do more work to get to know you.
4
Limit your communication with the player. Avoid calling them every day or texting them every night to check in or to say that you’re thinking of them. Call them first when you feel like it, but make sure you take turns reaching out to each other. Limiting your communication will show them that you have better things to do than to worry about them all the time, and they’ll be even more intrigued by you.^{[19]
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Research source}
- As a rule, text each other about the same amount. If they’re calling you a lot, then call them at least a few times to keep things fairly even.
5
Let them see you having a good time with other people. Dance it up with other potential dates, and if you’re in an open relationship, let them take you out to dinner, too. Don’t do it just to make the player jealous, but don’t be secretive about what you’re doing, either.^{[20]
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- Be careful of using other people to make your partner jealous. Remember that other people have feelings too, and they probably wouldn’t appreciate it if you’re just using them to get back at a player.
6
Call things off when you’re ready to find something serious. Though dating a player can be a fun way to pass a summer or a boring cold winter, there will come a time when you need to cut the player loose. There can be a number of reasons for doing this, but the one that comes up the most is that you find yourself getting too attached without getting anything back. Be honest with yourself and make sure not to prolong the relationship if you find yourself really wanting something more.^{[21]
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- Trust your gut. If you suspect that you’re starting to feel some heartache, then that’s probably the case. If you think your feelings are too strong and the player isn’t going to be there for you, then it’s time to say your goodbyes.

Expert Q&A

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Question

Is it OK to date a player?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

It really depends on what you want to get out of your dating experience. If you're looking for something exclusive, you may not want to waste your time with a player.

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Question

How do you survive dating a player?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

Set plenty of checks and balances for yourself. Make sure that you stay in touch with reality, and that you're looking beyond the player's looks, charm, and compliments. Dig deeper by getting to know their character, core values, and how they treat the people around them.

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Question

Is trust really important in a relationship?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

Absolutely! There always has to be a level of trust involved when you're dating someone. It's important that the person's words match their actions. Plus, not being able to trust your significant other can take a serious toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing.

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