How to Deal with People You Don't Like

Co-authored by Nicolette Tura, MA

Last Updated: September 3, 2023 References

VIDEO

At some point, we all have to interact with people we don’t like. Maybe you can’t completely avoid this person because they are a coworker, neighbor, or family member. Interactions with people you don’t like can end badly--with you saying something you later regret or storming off in a temper—but they don’t have to. You can get through these interactions without any major problems by taking proactive measures that help you get along with them and striving to keep a positive outlook. It can also help to know how to manage these interactions before they take a turn for the worst.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Being Proactive about the Interaction

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Keep the interaction brief, if possible. When it comes to dealing with someone you don’t like, brevity is vital. The longer you’re around this person, the more irritated you’re likely to become. That’s why you should keep encounters with them short and sweet.^{[1]
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- Communicate with the person just enough to get by, which may simply lead to saying “Hello.” Then, occupy yourself elsewhere.
- For example, after greeting the person, you might say, "Oh, are those cocktail sausage at the buffet? Excuse me while I grab some?" Once you've filled your plate, head in the opposite direction.
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Verbalize your boundaries. Know how much you are willing to take and don't be afraid to draw the boundary somewhere.^{[2]
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Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach

Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.} Figuring out how much you can take before losing your cool can help defuse a situation before it turns explosive.^{[3]
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- For example, if you have a coworker who’s always bragging about money, you might say, “Hank, I made a personal commitment to only discuss finances on a need-to basis. I’m sure you can understand.”
- If the person is always pressuring you about your personal life, you might merely say, “I have a rule about not discussing my personal life at work.”
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Look at the situation from their perspective. Consider why the other person acts the way that they do. Could they be unaware that their behavior annoys you? Do they have a good reason for doing those things? You might realize the other person is not to blame. You could even talk to them to see if they would be willing to change their behavior around you.
- For example, if your coworker always talks while you work, you might consider that they are trying to be friendly. You could ask, "Hey, I am trying to get some work done. Do you mind if we don't talk right now?"
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Switch topics during conversation. If someone you don't like has brought up a topic of conversation that annoys or frustrates you, switching topics can minimize the annoyance you feel and make it easier to deal with him or her.
- When changing topics, make sure that the topic you change to is happy or neutral. You also need to make the transition naturally instead of abruptly.
- Let’s say your coworker is whispering about the boss’s alleged affair before a meeting. They mention a restaurant where they supposedly saw the illicit couple. You might alter the course of the conversation by saying, “Oh, I’ve heard they have the best shrimp. Did you try it?”
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Keep your distance. If you can afford to stay away from someone you don't like, doing just that might actually be the best thing for everyone involved. Find ways to avoid the person if you can.^{[4]
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- For instance, if you know your nosey cousin is coming to a family barbecue, you might arrive late because you know she tends to leave after an hour.
- If you absolutely must be around the person, at least put some space between the two of you. Try working in a separate area if this person is a coworker or classmate. At a meeting or dinner, grab a seat on the opposite end of the table to limit interactions.
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Observe and imitate others. If you do not know how to deal with someone, watch others and see how they deal with that person. In doing so, you have a chance to see what works and what doesn't without having to experiment yourself.^{[5]
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- If others seem to be getting along with them just fine, follow their lead. Adjust your own way of interacting to reflect what they are doing.
- For example, if one of your coworkers has a habit of only talking about shared interests with the person you don't like, you might try to use the same tactic to keep things more civil.

Part 2

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Keeping a Positive Perspective

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Pause and regain control. Before you lose your cool with someone you don’t like, take a step back and recollecting yourself.^{[6]
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Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach

Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.} Breathe deeply through your nose and exhale the breath from your mouth. Repeat several cycles of deep breathing while reciting a positive affirmation.^{[7]
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- You might silently say to yourself, “I am in control.”
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Try not to take things personally.^{[8]
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Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach

Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.} Sometimes a person will intentionally pick on you, but in most cases, people you don't like won’t be going out of their way to upset you. Understand that the other person may not mean for you to take their actions as a personal insult.^{[9]
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- If a rude person is rude to everyone, then you know there’s nothing specific about you that’s making them act that way. As a result, you can more easily write them off as “rude” and not let the behavior get under your skin.
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Remember that they’re only human—just like you. They’re not perfect, but neither are you. Everyone has some characteristic about them that may annoy others, you included. When you have to be around this person, get honest with yourself. Ask yourself why you are so bothered.^{[10]
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- Sometimes you may not like a person because there’s something about them that reminds you of yourself.^{[11]
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  Nicolette Tura, MA
  Empowerment Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.} For instance, maybe you can’t stand your coworker's incessant need to get attention because you secretly yearn for attention from others, too.
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Look for the positives. You will very seldom run across someone with no redeeming qualities. Even if the positive qualities a person possesses are buried under layers of unpleasantness, identify at least one or two positives and focus on those traits so that you might come to appreciate the other person better.
- For instance, maybe your overbearing mother-in-law is truly caring towards her children and grandchildren. Reflect on these good qualities when her less than pleasant qualities are on display.
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Kill them with kindness. Be positive with them by treating them like you would people you do like. Greet them warmly and smile. Aim to be as pleasant and cordial as you can.^{[12]
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- To do this, imagine that you're interacting with someone you do like.
- You never know—treating this person with kindness just might change the dynamic you have with them and ultimately make them less annoying to you.
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Determine what it is that annoys you. If the person isn't being outright mean to you, there may just be a clash of personalities. Write down what it is they do that you do don't like and how it makes you feel (angry, jealous, annoyed, etc.).
- When you're done writing, think about whether or not the situation can be fixed. For example, if you really dislike that someone keeps bringing up divisive politics at family dinners, institute a "no politics at the table" rule.
- If you're jealous of the other person, consider if there is something you want to improve in your own life. Use this realization to create and achieve new goals.

Part 3

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Managing Difficulties

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Assert yourself using "I" statements. Don’t let yourself become a pushover. If the person is bullying you or violating your boundaries, calmly stand up for yourself using “I” statements.^{[13]
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- An “I” statement might sound like, “I feel belittled when you criticize how I do my work. Could you point out a solution instead of dwelling on what I’m doing wrong?”
- Escalating the situation by becoming argumentative or defensive can make things worse. However, if you communicate your needs calmly, you can ease tension and possibly get your needs met.
- Never blame the other person. You can stick to your point without becoming defensive or accusatory. Just calmly repeat yourself and remember not to take it personally.
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Know when to walk away. You can try every trick in the book, but sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make interacting with people you don't like any easier to tolerate. If they refuse to respect you or try to agitate you further, the best thing you can do for everyone is simply to remove yourself from the situation.^{[14]
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- Try to be polite about it. Instead of abruptly walking away or saying that you can't stand to be around them any longer, restate your boundaries and excuse yourself.
- You might say, “I’d rather not talk about this, so I’m leaving.”
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Find common ground. Disarm the situation before it gets out of control. If you have to deal with people you don't like and the conversation is quickly going downhill, find a point on which you can sympathize to stop them in their tracks. Doing so can defuse any hostility building in the other people, thereby making your interaction with them slightly more tolerable.^{[15]
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- This point is especially important if the feeling of dislike is mutual and you often find yourself getting into arguments with the object of your hostility. Even if the other person tries to pick a fight, it will be hard for them to do so if you are in agreement.
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Get a mediator. Asking a third party to step in may help you and the other person manages disagreements more effectively. Depending on the relationship, see if someone else is willing to act as a mediator while the two of you try to resolve your problems.^{[16]
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- Choose someone who is unbiased, such as an impartial coworker or a family member who is known for being objective.
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Don’t allow the other person to become a victim. Try not to lose your temper, even if the other person intentionally pushes all your buttons and tries to work you into a fury. The moment you lose your cool, you give the other person the upper-hand. They may walk away looking innocent while you are viewed as the “bad guy.”^{[17]
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- If your behavior is always calm, respectful, and polite, other people are more likely to believe your side of the story if a major conflict ever erupts between you and the person you have trouble with.
- You ultimately are the one who decides how you feel and react to situations. The other person cannot make you feel bad without your permission.

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How do you stop letting people get to you?

Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach
Nicolette Tura is an Empowerment Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Through her work, Nicolette helps high achievers discover their true potential and grow personally. She recently founded the non-profit Celestial Wellness Network and started a musical project, The Feather and Stone. With over ten years of experience in nonprofit leadership and running her own wellness business, Nicolette combines her background in psychology, mindfulness, and psychophysiology to create profound change. Nicolette has hands-on experience as a Therapy Associate, and has worked with patients recovering from neurological disorders. She offers one-on-one coaching tailored to each client's needs, with options for short-term, transformative engagements. Her personalized coaching sessions help individuals break free from self-limiting beliefs and achieve their goals. She completed a 500-hour Registered Yoga Teacher certification and is a NASM Certified Corrective Exercise Specialist. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley, and a Master’s degree is Sociology from San Jose State University.

Nicolette Tura, MA

Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

Try not to take things personally, as often times, people project how they're feeling onto you. When in a negative interaction with someone else, try to be compassionate and take a few deep breaths. Consider how you could lend yourself to the situation without sacrificing your integrity. If the interaction really isn't working for you, advocate for yourself and let them know you need a moment to yourself.

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