How to Deal with a Stubborn Person in a Relationship

Co-authored by Laura Richer and Amy Bobinger, BA

Last Updated: May 10, 2024 References

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While everybody wants to be right sometimes, it seems like some people have an especially hard time seeing things from someone else's perspective. If you're in a relationship with someone like that, it can be frustrating, especially if you start feeling like you always have to give in to avoid an argument. Fortunately, with a little patience, you may just be able to bring them over to your way of thinking—at least some of the time.

1

Take a moment to breathe.

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Try to control your emotions before you respond. It can be really challenging to deal with someone who's stubborn. Sometimes you might even get the feeling that they get satisfaction out of seeing you get upset when they refuse to budge on something. You'll get a lot further if you can keep yourself even-keeled, so if you feel yourself getting frustrated, take a couple of deep breaths or leave the room for a moment until you feel like you're in control again.^{[1]
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- If you start to get angry or upset, your partner might feel like your point of view isn't rational, which can make them stick to their perspective even more stubbornly.^{[2]
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2

Try to understand where they're coming from.

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Ask yourself why this is important to them.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} It might aggravate you when your partner refuses to budge, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're wrong. Take some time to dig in a little deeper and see if you can see things from their point of view. Even if you don't agree with them, this can make it a lot easier to work together toward a solution that makes you both happy.^{[4]
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- When you give your partner a chance to explain themselves, you might discover that they're actually refusing to replace their worn-out shoes because they're feeling really stressed about finances and they're not sure they can afford the extra expense.^{[5]
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  Laura Richer
  Licensed Mental Health Counselor
  
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}

3

Tell them how much you care about them.

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Make plenty of time for positive connections. If you often find yourself butting heads with your partner, it can help to remind them that in the end, you really love them no matter what. In fact, if somebody feels like they need to be right all the time, it's sometimes a reaction to feeling insecure or like their opinion wasn't valued enough. By reassuring them, you might help them feel comfortable enough to relax and be more open to compromise.^{[6]
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- Be sure to let them know how much you appreciate the good things they do, too!
- Even if it doesn't make a difference in how stubborn they are, it's always a good idea to tell your partner that you love them.

4

Figure out what you can agree on.

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Don't directly contradict the other person if you can avoid it. When your partner is being stubborn, try not to focus on what you disagree on—they'll usually point that out on their own. Instead, focus on where your perspectives overlap.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} By framing what you're bringing up as something the two of you need to figure out together, it'll feel less like an issue the two of you should be arguing about.^{[8]
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Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia

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- For instance, don't say, "I know you don't like her, but my mom wants us to come over on Tuesday." Instead, try saying something like, "I really appreciate how hard you try to get along with my family even though it's not always easy. I'm going over to my mom's for dinner on Tuesday, do you want to come with me?"
- If your partner is stubbornly refusing to talk to you about something, you might say something like, "I know even when we aren't getting along, you really love me. I just need to feel heard. Can I just share my thoughts with you for about 10 minutes? Then we can go watch TV."

5

Look for ways to compromise.

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Try to find some common ground. You're not likely to get very far if you and your partner are equally stubborn—there has to be some give-and-take. It can be hard, but try to hone in on anything that the two of you can agree on. Then, try to build on that to find a compromise!^{[9]
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Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia

Go to source} Remember, you're both on the same team.^{[10]
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- For example, if your partner thinks that your children shouldn't have an allowance and you think they should, focus on the fact that you both want what's best for your kids. By negotiating, you might agree that your children can have a small amount put into savings each week as long as they complete all of their chores.
- If they insist on getting pineapple on their pizza and you can't stand it, you might agree to order separate, smaller pizzas instead of a large one.

6

Explain your perspective.

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State what you're thinking in a confident way. People who are stubborn usually get their way by being the loudest person in a room. They just keep repeating themselves until everyone else backs down. You don't necessarily have to come off as aggressive, but use a clear, confident tone of voice when you're talking, and don't make it sound like you're asking their permission to speak. Just express what you want.^{[11]
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- Use facts to back up your opinion. For example, if your partner refuses to go to the doctor for a checkup, you might share some statistics about health concerns for people in their age range.^{[12]
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- You can also share why something is personally important to you. For instance, you might explain that you would be devastated if something happened to them because they neglected their health.
- Using "I feel" statements can be a great way to communicate where you're coming from without coming across as accusatory or critical.

7

Listen to what they have to say.

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Don't shut your partner out just because they're being stubborn.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} After all, they might very well have a good point. Once you've explained yourself, ask them what they're thinking—and why they feel so strongly about it.^{[14]
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Research source} Then, really listen to the answer. Don't interrupt them or spend the whole time thinking about what you're going to say next.^{[15]
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Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia

Go to source}

8

Pick your battles.

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Let go of the little things. Sometimes it's just not worth the time and energy to fight over something small, like how to do a chore around the house or what to watch on TV. If it's not really that big of a deal, consider just letting your partner have their way. When you have a more harmonious relationship, it will be a lot easier to cope with the bigger issues as they crop up.^{[16]
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Cleveland Clinic
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- Maybe they absolutely insist on using the wrong size knife to chop onions, and you know the job would be so much faster if they would just pull the bigger knife from the block. Instead of bickering over it, just do something else. In the end, there are probably more important things than how quickly the onions are diced!

9

Hold your ground when it's important.

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Don't get pushed around on things you feel strongly about. Although sometimes it's better to let things go, there are absolutely times in a relationship when you should stand up for yourself. Your partner might stubbornly argue with you about it, but chances are, when they see you're serious, they'll come around—and they'll likely respect you more in the long run.^{[17]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- If your partner insists on driving their vehicle without insurance, for example, you might emphatically let them know that you're not okay with them being that irresponsible since you share finances. It would be reasonable to say that if they can't maintain insurance on their vehicle, you won't ride with them anywhere.

10

Time serious conversations wisely.

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Make sure your partner isn't stressed or distracted. If you have something to talk about that you think your partner might resist, try not to bring it up when they're already feeling tense, or when they're busy, tired, or hungry. That can get the conversation off to a bad start as soon as you begin interacting. Instead, wait to chat until you're both feeling relaxed.^{[18]
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Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia

Go to source}
- For instance, even if you have something important on your mind, try not to bring it up as soon as your partner gets home from work. Instead, wait until they've had a few minutes to get settled in.

11

Give them some time to think things over.

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Don't push too hard too fast. Once you and your partner have both had a chance to speak your mind, consider dropping the subject for a little while. Some people are just slow to change their minds, and the more you press them to agree with you, the more they'll retreat into their original position. On the other hand, if you give them some space to think without pressure, your partner might just be able to see things from your point of view.^{[19]
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- Make sure to end on a positive note. You might say something like, "Okay, I know we still don't see eye to eye on this, but I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. I love you no matter what. Let's set this aside for now and talk about it tomorrow."

12

Try to appreciate their stubbornness.

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Remember that it's a part of who you fell in love with. It might not always seem like it, but there are actually times when being stubborn can be a positive character trait. After all, if they're determined to be with you, they'll be willing to make it work no matter what. When the two of you agree, there will be no stopping you.^{[20]
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- When you can appreciate your partner for exactly who they are, it will make it easier to deal with the times when the two of you are on opposite sides of the fence.

Expert Q&A

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Question

What causes a person to be stubborn?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

That's a good question! It really depends on the person. Try approaching their stubbornness with curiosity—what's underneath those feelings? Is there some sort of underlying fear or concern that needs to be addressed? If you learn more, you might be able to work together and resolve whatever the issue may be.

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