How to Spot and Deal With Red Flags in Women

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Learn when to call it quits by identifying red flags early on

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IN THIS ARTICLE

1 She has a completely different lifestyle.

2 She doesn't share your values.

3 She's always the victim of breakups.

4 She shares other people's deepest secrets.

5 She lies to you.

6 She gets serious really fast.

7 She doesn't reciprocate your effort.

8 She changes herself to suit your preferences.

9 She doesn't respect your boundaries.

10 She monopolizes your time.

11 She gets jealous easily.

12 She demands that you change things about yourself.

13 She doesn't accept your other relationships.

14 She gets defensive and lacks empathy.

15 She stonewalls you or gives you the silent treatment.

16 She jokes about abusive behavior.

17 She has mental health problems and won't seek help.

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Written by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS | Edited by Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: December 2, 2024 Fact Checked

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You might joke that it's a red flag if she watches a lot of reality shows or puts ice cubes in her wine. But, there are actually quite a few real red flags in women to watch out for. Red flags aren't personality quirks or preferences—they're toxic behaviors that are inappropriate in any relationship. Sometimes they can be hiding in plain sight, and we're here to teach you what to look for. Read on to learn about some serious red flags that you should never ignore, no matter how much you like her.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

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1

She has a completely different lifestyle.

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1. If you don't approach life similarly, you likely have little in common. A long-term relationship works best when you both have the same ideas in mind for what a great life looks like. If how you want to spend your time or what you enjoy doing isn't in sync, you're going to have a hard time down the road.

   • For example, if you're a sober vegan who runs marathons and she prefers to binge-watch reality TV with a six-pack of beer and a meat lover's pizza, your lifestyles probably aren't compatible.
   • This isn't necessarily an unhealthy red flag—it typically just means that she might not be the best partner for you long-term.
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2

She doesn't share your values.

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1. Strong couples tend to value most of the same things. If you're looking for a serious relationship, you want to know that you and your partner want the same things in life. Shared goals, work ethic, religious beliefs, and moral or ethical standards become more important as your relationship grows more serious.

   • For example, if you want kids and she doesn't, that's definitely something the two of you should discuss before you take the next step in your relationship.
   • If religion or spirituality is important to you, make sure the two of you are on the same page with that as well. It's something that might not come up at first, but you don't want to get too serious with someone whose beliefs aren't compatible with yours.
   • Having similar goals in life is important if you're thinking about her as a life partner. Talk with her about the future, including her career plans, financial goals, and thoughts about retirement.

3

She's always the victim of breakups.

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1. Both people typically contribute to breakups and need to take accountability. She might tell you that all of her exes were crazy or abusive, or that things were going great until they suddenly flipped one day. If she's always the victim, it could be a sign that she's not taking responsibility for her own actions and will always blame someone else rather than be accountable.

   • It's worth talking to her about those past relationships to try to get a sense of what happened. For example, you might ask her, "I know you said your ex was crazy, but can you tell me about some of the things they did? I'd like to better understand what you went through."
   • Try to put yourself in the shoes of one of her exes. Ask yourself what she might say about you if your relationship ended today. Would she also consider you a "crazy" ex? If you can see that happening, it might be time to step away from her.
   • She might acknowledge that she's not always the victim, but say that she's "bad at relationships." This is a bit of a silent red flag—ask her questions to find out exactly what she means and why those relationships ended.
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4

She shares other people's deepest secrets.

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1. A trustworthy person knows how to keep someone's confidence. When she tells you something someone else confided in her, she's showing you that she doesn't respect people's privacy. If she doesn't respect their privacy, she likely won't respect yours either—and that's a red flag.

   • For example, she might tell you that a coworker you're close to is stealing from the company and that you should stay away from them.
   • This is especially dangerous if she's telling you something with the intention of changing your opinion about someone or isolating you from them.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Toxic?

“Toxic” people are a hot topic. Typically, this term is used to describe a negative person who regularly devalues others. Everyone’s selfish sometimes, and, on occasion, we all tell white lies. So how do you know if you’re in the normal range…or a total hazard? We’ve got the answers right here. Ready to learn if you’re toxic? Click “Start Quiz.”

1 of 12

Your partner's acting suspicious. You:

Gently ask them if something is going on.

Watch them closer and act passive-aggressive. They’ll get the hint.

Accuse them of cheating. Even if they’re not, this will help you get an answer.

Search their phone for embarrassing texts. If they break up with you, now you have leverage.

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5

She lies to you.

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1. Honesty is the only way to establish trust. Often, the first time you catch her in a lie, it's something stupid—something she has seemingly no reason to lie about. Since it's unimportant, you'll likely brush it off. But this simply tells her that she's gotten away with lying to you, so she won't hesitate to do it again.

   • Treat all lies the same, regardless of their ultimate importance. You might say, "I know you lied about the movie you and your sister watched last night. While it doesn't matter to me what you watched, the fact that you lied matters very much."
   • Typically, if you catch her in a lie, it's going to be hard to go back to the way things were before. There's always going to be a part of you that wonders if she's lying again.
   • Frequent lying is a bit of a silent red flag. If she's lying about things that don't really affect you or your relationship with her, you might be tempted to ignore it—don't. It still tells you something about her relationship with the truth.
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6

She gets serious really fast.

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1. A strong foundation takes time and effort to build. If she's dropping the "L" word after the second or third date, that's probably not a good sign. It can seem flattering that someone is so into you, but it could also be "love-bombing." If she's lavishing attention and affection on you really early, it could be a sign of manipulative or potentially abusive behavior to come.

   • For example, she might be really quick to confess her love for you, claim she's never felt this way about anyone before, or talk about how amazingly compatible the two of you are.
   • Love-bombing is a tactic used by narcissists and other abusers to lure you in and make you feel comfortable and happy. Once you've relaxed into the relationship, they'll gradually tighten the noose and start exerting more control over your life.
   • What if she's not love-bombing? If she truly believes she feels that strongly about you, it's a sign of obsession, which is also a red flag.

7

She doesn't reciprocate your effort.

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1. In a strong partnership, both partners put forth equal effort. If you're the one doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking, that's not an equal partnership. Give voice to these concerns and see what she says. If she's really not interested in putting any effort into the relationship, it might be time to create some distance.

   • For example, if you're always the one who calls or texts first and plans the date, you might be thinking that if you just never called or texted her again, you'd never see her again.
   • It's equally bad if she looks at effort in a relationship as a sort of quid pro quo—"You did that, so I did this in return." In a healthy partnership, both partners give because they want to, not to repay what the other did.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   John Keegan

   Dating Coach

   John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

   

   John Keegan
   Dating Coach

   You don't have to chase someone who truly values you. Are you the one who always initiates conversations and makes plans, while she doesn't return the effort? This could signal deeper issues in the relationship. Try to have a productive conversation about mutual effort.
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8

She changes herself to suit your preferences.

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1. An independent partner has her own interests and preferences. If she's sacrificing her own wants and needs for yours, that could be a sign of codependency. A person who has issues with codependency will make it so that their whole life revolves around their partner. That means she adopts your likes and interests as her own and turns herself into your perfect girlfriend.

   • For example, she never expressed any interest in sports but as soon as she found out you were a hockey fan she bought three jerseys from your favorite team to wear and watches hockey all the time.
   • While you might feel like she's just trying to please you, this can take a bad turn if she completely loses herself in you. She could eventually become resentful of you because she's making all of these sacrifices for you.

9

She doesn't respect your boundaries.

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1. Strong boundaries are an act of self-love and self-respect. When you set a boundary, you're telling someone how to interact with you in a way that won't cause you to become upset or uncomfortable. Whether it's a physical boundary or a behavioral one, you're telling someone how to relate to you properly. If you're in a relationship with a woman who refuses to do that, or who continually pushes or ridicules your boundaries, that's definitely a red flag.

   • For example, if she continues to sit close to you and lean on you after you've told her that you don't want to be touched, she's communicating to you that she doesn't respect your boundaries.
   • If she doesn't respect your boundaries, she also might say something such as, "Oh, lighten up—it's not that big of a deal." She might also make a joke out of it, saying something like, "Come on, babe, I was just messing with you."
   • If she overtly pressures you to change your boundaries or implies that your boundaries aren't valid, that's probably a dealbreaker. You don't need to be with someone who doesn't care about your personal limits.
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10

She monopolizes your time.

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1. Equal partners are independent and give each other freedom. If she's clingy and constantly needs you, that's a likely red flag. A healthy relationship has balance and isn't all about one person giving all of their time and energy. Let her know that you need some space or time to yourself and see how she reacts.

   • For example, you might say, "I've been feeling really drained lately. I'm going to stay home and read a book tonight instead of coming over."
   • If she gets angry or upset with you because you want to take time to yourself, that's a definite red flag. Don't continue a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your independence or your mental health.

11

She gets jealous easily.

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1. A secure partner trusts you and your commitment to her. Jealousy often comes from insecurity, but she might also be seeking to control you. She thinks she can put an end to the behavior if she acts angry or jealous. Stand strong in your belief that if she truly cared about you, she would trust you and believe what you told her.

   • For example, she might insist that you're having an affair with a coworker. Consumed by jealousy, she insists to see your texts and shows up unannounced at your work to try to "catch you" cheating on her.
   • At first, you might find it flattering when she gets jealous. But if you start to feel like you have to check in with her constantly to avoid accusations, it might be time to end the relationship.
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12

She demands that you change things about yourself.

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1. An accepting partner loves you for who you are. Helping you improve things about yourself that you've talked about wanting to change is one thing. But if she's criticizing something you're fine with and insisting that you'll change it if you want to be with her, that's a red flag.

   • For example, she might criticize your clothing choices on a date and offer to take you shopping. Within a couple of weeks, you have a whole new wardrobe of clothes she's picked out for you.
   • Don't be afraid to put your foot down. If you keep changing little things to appease her, she'll never stop. As your relationship progresses, she'll demand more and more changes and you may start to feel as though you'll never be good enough.

13

She doesn't accept your other relationships.

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1. A secure partner respects your relationships with your family and friends. This often indicates that she's trying to control your life or isolate you so she can have you all to herself. She's more likely to be critical of people who have a lot of influence in your life—especially if those people also happen to be critical of her.

   • For example, she might complain that you spend too much time with your sister, that you call your dad too often, or that she hates your best friend.
   • She might also try to tell you things about your friends or family members to turn you against them.
   • If your friends and family don't like her, listen to them! They can see things that you're probably overlooking—especially if you have strong feelings for her.
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14

She gets defensive and lacks empathy.

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1. A secure and respectful partner takes responsibility for her own actions. Disagreements are going to happen in any relationship—but how she handles it when you call her out on something can speak volumes. If she immediately gets defensive, blames someone else (or you), or refuses to acknowledge how her actions make you feel, that's a bad sign for the future.

   • For example, you might be upset that she was late for a date. Instead of apologizing, she tells you that you told her a different time and it's not her fault. She doesn't care that you've been waiting on her for an hour.
   • If she continually does things that push your boundaries and then gets defensive and doesn't care when you get upset, it's probably time to call it quits. The longer the relationship continues, the further she's likely to push you.

15

She stonewalls you or gives you the silent treatment.

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1. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. If she refuses to talk to you whenever she's upset with you, she's stonewalling, and that's a definite red flag. You can't do anything to help a situation if she won't tell you what's going on. When she stonewalls you, she's telling you that she doesn't respect you enough to communicate with you—and that's never a good thing.

   • For example, you might get into a little tiff over text which results in her ignoring your calls and texts for several days. She might even block you on social media.
   • When she comes back, she'll have a flimsy excuse (if any—more likely, she'll try to act like nothing's amiss).
   • Reader Poll: We asked 226 wikiHow readers to tell us the most important sign that a relationship has long term potential, and 58% said handling conflict in a healthy way. [Take Poll] So if she's not able to work through issues without manipulation, then that's a sign that this relationship may not be built to last.
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16

She jokes about abusive behavior.

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1. Physical or emotional abuse is no laughing matter. Someone who truly cares about you is never going to joke about harming you. This is especially concerning if you tell her that what she said upset you and she comes back with something like, "I'm just joking! Can't you take a joke?"

   • For example, if you're having a little tiff in the kitchen about doing the dishes and she picks up a butcher knife and says, "I should stab you right now," that's not a joke. That's a red flag.
   • Even if she is "just joking," it's safe to assume that if someone is callous enough to joke about physical or emotional abuse, it wouldn't be a stretch for them to actually be abusive.
   • The key to this is that she's saying something that's completely out of the norm that makes you uncomfortable. If she really cares about you, she wouldn't want to say or do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

17

She has mental health problems and won't seek help.

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1. Everyone is ultimately responsible for their own mental health. You can support her, but that support only goes so far if she's not willing to seek out the professional help she needs. You can help her by making a list of local professionals who treat her issues or offering to help out financially if she can't afford treatment. But you can't force her to go to therapy or see a psychiatrist if she refuses.

   • Try to have an open, honest conversation with her. You might say, "I'm really concerned about your state of mind lately. Would you like me to help you find someone to talk to?"
   • If her mental health problems have gotten to the point that she's harming you, herself, or others, get her family or other close friends involved. Someone who's had a long relationship with her is probably better equipped to handle the situation.
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Join the Discussion...

Tell me your biggest dating red flags.

10

WikiRiverDancer234

Okay wikiHow, don’t let me down. I took a few years off from dating after a frankly brutal series of short-lived relationships and I’ve decid... Read More

John Keegan
Dating Coach

So, big red flags, let’s see…I’d say if someone's being dishonest in any way, that’s a huge one. You want to look out for people being ev... Read More

WikiStoatLeaper264

I think communication red flags are important to look out for early on in the dating process. A relationship is built on solid communication. Do... Read More

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