How to Find Your Secret Admirer

Co-authored by Anna Svetchnikov

Last Updated: October 23, 2023 Approved

Who is your secret admirer? It can be hard to tell who's been secretly sending you gifts or romantic messages, especially when they don't want you to find out. You will need to use all the clues you can find. Look carefully at any messages or gifts that they have sent you. Ask around to find out who might be crushing on you. Be aware of the people in your life and keep your eyes peeled for potential admirers. Be careful and be patient. Your secret admirer is probably shy at the prospect of talking to you in person, so try to be tactful and respect their privacy.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Using the Clues

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1
Carefully read their note(s). If you received a physical note, like a handwritten letter in your locker, or a note left in your backpack, you can consider clues like the location, the timing, the handwriting, and the tone.^{[1]
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Research source} If your admirer has approached you online through an anonymous email or a chat message, you will need to consider clues like the screen name or email address, the tone and content of the message, and the timing.
- If the note is handwritten, look at the handwriting on it. Compare the handwriting with the writing of people that you know. Think about your friend, your crush, or the person who sits next to you in English class.
- If you have gotten an email or chat message from someone that you don't know, look at the email address or screen name. The person may not have used a personal account to send you the message, but you might be able to draw clues from the name that he or she chose.
2
Consider any gifts that your admirer has given you. Perhaps you received a bouquet of flowers, a bag of your favorite candy, or a mix CD. You can use clues from the gift to figure out who gave it to you.
- Before the flowers or gift arrived, did anyone ask you questions about where you are likely to be at a certain time?^{[2]
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- If your secret admirer gave you a plate of fresh cookies, they probably love to bake. Think about the people you know—especially anyone that you suspect might have a crush on you—and whether or not they are good at baking.
- If your secret admirer gave you a mix CD, they probably care a lot about music. Think about the music lovers in your life. Keep an eye out for people who are always humming, or who always have headphones plugged into their ears. Think about the songs on the mix: they probably include some of your admirer's favorite songs, so you might be able to identify them by their music taste.
- If your secret admirer bought you something from a store, consider just asking the clerk who bought that item.
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3
Consider when and where your admirer contacted you. Think about who would have been able to send the message at the time that it was sent. Think about who would've had access to the place that you found a note or gift. Piece together the circumstances to give yourself a clearer picture of how your admirer operates.
- If your secret admirer left a note in your locker at school, there's a good chance that they go to your school and have seen you using your locker. If your secret admirer left a gift at your house, they either know you well or found out your address from someone else.
- If you suspect that a specific person is your secret admirer, but they were home sick from school on the day that you found the note, then that person may not be the admirer. Your admirer may, however, have asked their friend to place the note. The note may also have been planted a day or two before you found it.
4
Respond and gather more information. If you received an anonymous email or chat message, reply to the message and try to strike up a conversation. If someone left a handwritten note for you, consider leaving a note of your own in the same place in case your admirer finds it.
- Get to know your admirer via chat or email. Ask questions. Without being pushy, try to get your admirer to reveal their true identity.
- Avoid leaving personal notes out where anyone could find them. Not only does this reduce the chances of your admirer actually finding the note, but it opens up the possibility of someone else finding the note and using that information to mess with you.
5
Look for patterns. How does your admirer write? How do they usually contact you? Do they have any quirks (e.g., figures of speech, unique spellings, references) that might help you identify them? Think about people you know who display those traits. Your admirer might not realize that they are giving themselves away by using words that they use in real-life conversations.
- Does your admirer say a certain word or phrase a lot? For example, maybe they say "awesome" a lot during your chats, or the word "totally" to emphasize points in a handwritten note. Think about people you know who use that phrase often.
- Does your admirer make spelling mistakes? If you can identify any, do you know anyone who makes those spelling mistakes the same way? For example, you might notice that a friend of yours always misspells "definitely" as "definetely."

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Tracking Down Your Admirer

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1
Look around you. Is there anyone who is talking to you more than normal or looking at you in a flirty way? Or are they acting awkward or nervous around you but look like they're trying to hide it?
- Try to notice whether anyone has been staring in your direction a lot. If so, pay a little bit more attention to them. Look into their eyes and give a sly smile. If this person shows any more signs of attraction, they might be your admirer.
2
Ask around. Create a web of information to help you find your secret admirer more quickly. Reach out to your friends for help and see if they can give you any clues. Even if they don't outright know who your admirer is, they might have heard some gossip that points you in the right direction. Be careful who you tell about your secret admirer—some friends might take the opportunity to give you unreliable information, to gossip about your situation, or even to forge "secret admirer" notes of their own.^{[3]
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- If someone left a note or delivery at your doorstep, ask your neighbors if they saw the deliverer. If so, ask for the deliverer's physical appearance.
3
Consider confronting your admirer. If you think you have found your secret admirer, the surest way to know is to ask. It may be better to ask and be wrong than to not ask and never know. Keep in mind that if your admirer is keeping their identity a secret, they are probably shy about talking to you directly. Don't confront this person loudly, in public. Be gentle, tactful, and open-minded.
- Look at their eyes when you ask. See if you can spot any visible changes. Do you see the person's pupils getting smaller? Any signs of blushing or flushing, or the maybe-admirer moving his or her head back slightly?
- If the person repeatedly denies that they are your secret admirer, then they're probably telling the truth. Do not push them. Keep looking.
You don't need to flat-out ask "Do you like me?" Try something more subtle, like "I've been finding these really sweet notes in my locker this week, with the most beautiful drawings on them. Do you know anything about that?" Try asking your suspected admirer questions, face-to-face, that might reveal them as your admirer. If your admirer added you on social media, ask the suspect if they use that site. If your secret admirer draws pictures for you, ask the suspect if they are good at drawing.
5
Respect your secret admirer's privacy. Consider why your admirer chose to keep their identity a secret. Your secret admirer may be hiding their identity because they are not free to admire you openly. They could be shy, they could have strict parents, or they could be in another relationship that they are not prepared to risk ruining. It's okay to confront your admirer, but you may not want to be to be too forward. If you are patient, your admirer might reveal their identity to you.
- Consider whether you really want to know. Deep down, maybe you want them to remain secret so as not to burst the bubble. Sometimes it can be reassuring to have a secret admirer in the background.
6
Accept or turn down your admirer. Once you have found your secret admirer, there may be a bit of tension. Your admirer has made their feelings clear, so now it's your turn to reveal whether or not you feel the same way. If you like your admirer, get to know each other. Consider asking them out or waiting for them to ask you out. If you are not interested, you will need to be clear about your feelings so that your admirer knows it's time to back off.
- If your secret admirer is not who you had hoped, be kind and turn them down gently. They will probably admire you even more for your honesty. Be direct and straightforward. Don't play with their emotions.
7
Don't get too emotionally invested. Maybe you will find your secret admirer, you'll fall in love, and you'll live happily ever after. Right now, however, you don't know anything about them. Your secret admirer might be someone that you don't want to get involved with. They might even be your friend or sibling playing a prank! Do your best to find your secret admirer, but don't take it too seriously until you know who you're dealing with.
- If you are patient, there's a good chance that your secret admirer will get over the shyness and reveal themselves. You may be the object of their affection, but that doesn't mean that you're obligated to go seek them out.
- Try to not to build up a fantasy in your head. Your admirer could be anyone, and you don't want to get your feelings hurt if they don't turn out to be the person you expect.

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Question

What if there are no notes or messages to use as clues?

Community Answer

Look for body language. Maybe they're always nervous around you, or maybe they talk to you a lot. Even if you don't have notes, try to ask the suspect's friends flat-out as well.

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My school has a bucket week where anyone in the entire school can give you a note during Valentine's week. I got a mystery note that tells me I'm cute. How do I know who it's from?

Community Answer

There's no way to know for sure, but ask around and see who looks at you during break then looks away - maybe that's a sign they have a crush on you.

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Should I wait a long time to say yes to my admirer?

Community Answer

No, because that will make them think you are putting them off and that you maybe like someone else, or simply don't like them at all.

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Warnings

Be aware, they could just be fooling with you to see your reaction!

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The person you think is your admirer might not actually be your secret admirer.

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If your secret admirer is making you uncomfortable with their advances, tell someone. Consider telling friends, siblings, and parents. If the problem gets really serious, consider going to a teacher, a counselor, or the police.

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