How to Ask Someone Out in Person or over Text

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Helping you work up the courage to ask out your crush

Written by Collette Gee | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 17, 2024 Fact Checked

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Asking Out Someone You Already Know

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Asking Out Someone You’ve Just Met

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Making a Game Plan

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

Whether you’ve just spotted a cutie across the room or you’ve had a crush on a friend for a while, asking them out on a date is the best way to make your intentions clear. While the possibility of rejection can be scary, regretting not asking someone out is even worse! Keep reading for expert-backed tips on working up the courage to ask someone out while maintaining your confidence the entire time.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship coach & certified violence prevention specialist, Collette Gee. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Plan an activity ahead of time that aligns with your potential date’s interests. You might ask them to a concert, a museum, or a sporting event.
Strike up a conversation and make small talk by asking them how they are and what they’ve been up to lately.
Be as specific as possible, and mention a date and time while asking them out, like "Hey, would you be down to go to that new coffee shop on campus? I'm free Saturday afternoon!"
If the person says no, let them know that there are no hard feelings, and move on to someone else.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Asking Out Someone You Already Know

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1
Strike up a conversation. Starting a casual conversation first will help you ease your way into asking the question and reduce some of the nervousness you might feel.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist

Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.} Make small talk by asking how they are or what their upcoming plans are.
- Send a friendly text saying "Hey, how's it going?" If you are doing the asking in person, approach the person and say hello. Make sure to smile and make eye contact, as this will show that you are interested.
- Instead of asking them out right away, first ask them what they are doing tomorrow, this coming weekend, and so on. This will serve as a segue to asking the person out and will make the conversation flow more naturally.
- Try to look your best when you ask somebody out. This will not only give you the best chance of scoring a date, it will help you feel more confident, which will be reflected in your behavior.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
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Ask them if they would like to go on a date.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist

Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.} Be specific and direct so they understand what you’re asking.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Cristina Morara
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.} Suggest an activity that you think they will be interested in, based on what you know about the person, and mention a specific date and time, too.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.} If you can't think of anything, here are a few ideas:
- “Want to go out for coffee on Saturday? My treat.”
- “I wanted to see if you were free on Friday evening for dinner.”
- “I’m heading to a party after work. Want to join me?”
- “Hey, I know you love ice cream—why don’t we check out that new ice cream shop tomorrow?”
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Let them know that there are no hard feelings if they say no. This will help eliminate any awkwardness in the future, especially if you just asked out a close friend that you plan on continuing to see on a regular basis. More importantly, it will show the person that you are confident and mature enough to handle a little rejection.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.}
- Say something like, “No worries if you don’t want to. I just think you’re super cool, and I’d love to continue getting to know you.”
- Or, “If you’re busy this weekend or you can’t make it, I understand! Just let me know if you want to get together sometime.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Asking Out Someone You’ve Just Met

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1
Make eye contact and smile at the person. This shows the person that you are interested in them, and gives them the opportunity to return the gesture, showing that they too are interested.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist

Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.} You don’t have to stare them down, but try catching their gaze multiple times to send a flirty hint.
- If the person looks away or doesn't smile back, they might not be interested. However, it might also mean that they are too shy to reciprocate, so don't give up quite yet.
2
Approach the person and introduce yourself, if you haven't already. Be sure to act confident, even if you’re shaking inside. First impressions are very important, and confidence is an attractive characteristic in both men and women.^{[8]
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- Say something like, “Hi, I’m Michael. What’s your name?”
- Or, “Hey, my name’s Janet. How’s it going?”
3
Strike up a casual conversation. This can range from complimenting the person, to talking about what's going on in the room around you, or asking them a question. If you can't think of a reason to talk to the person, try these things:^{[9]
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- Ask the person what time it is.
- Ask the person where they are from.
- Ask the person what they are reading.
- Compliment what the person is wearing.
- Talk about the music that is playing, or anything else that is going on around you.
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Ask the person out. Once the conversation has started, let the person know that you think they are interesting, and would like to get to know them. Suggest meeting for coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. These are all very basic dates that are low-commitment, in case you don't hit it off.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist

Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
- “I think you’re super cool. Want to go get a drink sometime?”
- “I’m heading out, but I’d love to get to know you more. Maybe we could get lunch tomorrow.”
- Avoid asking them out to a movie on the first date, because it will not give you a chance to get to know one another.
- Try to get the person you're asking out alone. Otherwise the other person can be pressured to give a certain answer, especially around their friends.
- When asking out a stranger, make sure they feel safe and comfortable at all times.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Suzanna Mathews
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.} If someone feels pressured or scared to say no, then their answer won’t be genuine.
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Be diplomatic if they say no. If the person says no, smile and say something like: "Well, it was worth a try. Nice to meet you anyway!" and then leave them be. Don't continue to bother the person once they have said no, and definitely don't continue trying to convince them to go out with you. This will make you appear desperate, and make the other person feel uncomfortable.^{[12]
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- Even if you do get rejected, pat yourself on the back for putting yourself out there in the first place. Asking someone out isn’t easy, and you faced your fears and worked up the courage to do it. Nice job!

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Making a Game Plan

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Determine whether this person is already in a relationship. This will save you a great deal of embarrassment and unnecessary effort. Try asking mutual friends or checking their social media accounts to see if they have a partner.
- Don't ask somebody out if they’re in a relationship. Not only is it essentially guaranteed that they'll say no, but it’s pretty unfair to the person's partner, and it reflects poorly on your moral character.^{[13]
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Be confident, but prepared for rejection. Decide beforehand what you’ll do or say if the person says no. This is especially important if you plan on asking out a friend, as it will reduce the likelihood of damaging the friendship. Remember that the hardest part of asking someone out is putting yourself out there. Pat yourself on the back for trying, even if the answer is no.
- Being prepared for rejection will help you avoid appearing physically defeated in front of the other person if the answer is no.^{[14]
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  Research source}
- While you want to prepare yourself for the possibility of rejection, don't let it get in the way of your confidence. Rather, let it build on your confidence by accepting the fact that being rejected isn't the end of the world.
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Find out what they like, if possible. This will help you think of a good idea for a date. If this person loves music, find out what kind and invite them to a concert. If they enjoy movies, then invite them to the theater, and so on.^{[15]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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- If you don’t know them or you aren’t sure what kind of activities they like, just find something that most people enjoy, like an art museum or a farmer’s market.
- Reader Poll: We asked 691 wikiHow readers who've asked someone on a date, and 53% of them agreed that the best way to approach it is by taking it slow and getting to know them first. [Take Poll] The more you know about them, the easier it will be to plan a date you’ll both enjoy!
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Determine how you want to ask the person out. If you are too shy to do the asking in person, then consider sending a text, Facebook message, or email. Most experts recommend asking someone out in-person, but if you’re super nervous or you don’t see them often, then using technology is the way to go.
- Text messages are a good option if you are too afraid to do the asking in person. This way, you will at least be able to hide your disappointment from the other person.
- If you have just met the person and don't have their number, you will have to do the asking in person, but don't fret! Doing the asking in person is romantic and can be very rewarding if the person says yes.

Join the Discussion...

How do I rizz up a girl I just met?

69

WikiMountainCat42

I keep seeing this beautiful girl at a cafe I study at, and I really want to talk to her. But I feel so awkward. What do I do? How do I get her t... Read More

8

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Great question. The first thing to do is to always go back to step one, which is your own mindset and way of being. For you to approach her in th... Read More

5

WikiMongooseChaser121

Fully agree on the eye contact thing. Makes it so much easier to break the ice and then you’re already halfway to starting a conversation. If s... Read More

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Expert Q&A

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Question

What should I say when I ask someone out?

Collette Gee
Dating Coach
Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.

Collette Gee

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Ask the person directly if they want to go out with you so there isn't any confusion.

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What if they have a boyfriend already?

Hannah Madden

Community Answer

If the person you have your eye on is already dating someone, it's not a good idea to ask them out. Instead, try looking for someone else who is single and available. You'll have a much better chance of landing a date that way!

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Tips

Know how to take a hint. Some people are too nice to flat out say no to you, and will instead say they are busy and can't make the date. If the person says they are busy without trying to reschedule, they are probably not interested.

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Ask a wingman to help you out if you’re feeling super nervous.

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If this person says no, it might be because they aren't ready to date or aren't allowed to date. Don't come to the conclusion that they aren't interested in you.

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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

Be clear about your true feelings. It's good they know that you actually like them. Don't feel bad about rejection; it's more important to know that you gave it your best shot.
Engage with their interests. If you see them reading, remember the title and ask them about it later, like "Hey! I saw you were reading (insert book title). What's it about?"

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