This article was co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
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If you’re trying to figure out whether your relationship has a healthy, normal amount of fighting, you aren’t alone. It can hurt to feel like you’re locked in combat with the person you care about more than anything, and the feelings associated with a fight can leave you wondering whether your relationship is working or not. Well, we’ve got good news for you—fighting is healthy, productive, and totally normal! In this article, we’ll explain why and how fighting can benefit your relationship, how to have a healthy argument, and what red flags to look out for, all according to clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown.
Is it normal to argue in relationships?
It’s not typically normal to fight every day in a relationship. While fighting happens, if you’re fighting every day with your partner, it’s likely because there’s an unaddressed underlying problem. Focus on having a calm conversation to unroot the problem.
Steps
How to Make Fights in a Relationship More Productive
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Approach the conversation from an empathetic, calm perspective. If it’s “me vs. you” instead of “us vs. the problem,” things can go off the rails really fast. Actively hear your partner out, don’t interrupt them, and use a cool tone to respond—even if you’re really upset. If both of you can be respectful and calm, you can work towards a solution.[11]
- It often helps to remind yourself in your head, “I love this person; I care about them; don’t say something you’ll regret.”
- Do not try to “win.” There’s no winning here. It’s not a zero-sum game—the goal is to resolve a problem. You can only do that if you don’t approach arguments like they’re competitions.[12]
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Set ground rules and call timeouts whenever things heat up. Have a conversation about your fights when the two of you are calm and establish some guidelines.[13] Agree to never interrupt one another, and focus exclusively on whatever the issue is. If something is “off limits,” discuss it ahead of time. Come up with a safe word (“timeout” is fine) so that you can pause the conversation if things get too heated for either of you.[14]
- Schedule time to argue! Knowing ahead of time that you’re going to argue takes a lot of the unpredictability out of it.
- Start each fight by agreeing on an objective. This way, you can both work towards a solution instead of spinning your wheels going back and forth. Finding a mutual objective is especially key if the two of you have been having the same fight over and over again, which happens when there’s no roadmap for the argument!
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Use “I” language and avoid attacking who your partner fundamentally is. If one of you keeps saying “you never…” or “you don’t…,” it can feel like a boxing match. Frame things from your perspective and talk about how you feel in an argument. Using "I" statements is one of those small things that can really improve the quality of your conversations when the two of you disagree.[15]
- For example, let’s say you’d normally say something like, “You never clean up around the house. You make things so dirty! You let this kitchen just get so dirty, and then I get stuck cleaning it up.” Using the “I” rule, you might say, “I feel like I’m doing all of the work around here when the kitchen gets left like this. I know I can be a bit of a clean freak, but it’s really important to me.”
wikiHow Quiz: Should We Break Up?
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References
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/feb/13/couples-who-argue-together-stay-together-research-finds
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
- ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.primermagazine.com/2013/love/surviving-the-end-of-the-honeymoon-period
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
- ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-therapists-education/202203/how-to-have-healthy-fights-with-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/want-better-marriage-learn-fight-fair-5-easy-steps-ncna806011
- ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/
- ↑ https://counseling.sa.ua.edu/resources/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/silent-treatment
- ↑ https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org
- ↑ https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/liberal-arts/types-of-communication-styles
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-lies-and-conflict/201801/the-most-common-cause-useless-relationship-fights
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-the-honeymoon-phase
- ↑ https://ohioline.osu.edu/factsheet/FLM-FS-2-01-R10