How to Start Sex and Turn Your Partner On

The best ways to get your partner’s engine revving when you’re in the mood

Co-authored by JT Tran and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: September 22, 2024 Fact Checked

Maybe you catch a glimpse of your partner and you just really want them. Maybe you just woke up and it’s on your mind. Sometimes, you just find yourself really, really in the mood. Whatever caused it isn’t important—all you want to know is how you can get your partner in the mood to have sex, too. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be a mysterious secret. With open communication and a little bit of daring, there are plenty of ways you can initiate sex with your partner.

Things You Should Know

Ask your partner if they want to have sex for a direct way to communicate with them.
Use compliments and light touches to turn your partner on throughout the day.
Give your partner a sensual massage or wear a new, sexy outfit to rev their engine.
If all else fails, talk to your partner and ask them how they want you to initiate in the future.

1

Ask your partner directly.

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Use your words to initiate sex while getting consent. Even in a long-term relationship, consent is still super important. If you’re struggling to find a way to initiate sex, sometimes simply asking is the best way. It doesn’t have to be awkward—use some cute-yet-sexy questions like:^{[1]
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- “Can I kiss you?”
- “Do you want to take things to the bedroom?”

2

Compliment your partner.

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Get your partner in the mood by telling them how awesome they are. There’s nothing better after a long day than hearing some words of affirmation from the person you love. Start out by complimenting your partner on their personality, then move onto telling them how hot or sexy they look.^{[2]
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- “You’re such a hard worker. I appreciate everything you do for us.”
- “I know you had a long day. Thanks for taking care of those errands. Is there anything I can do to help you unwind?”
- “You look so sexy in that shirt. It complements your eyes perfectly.”

3

Touch your partner in a loving way.

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Use physical touch to build your desire up throughout the day. Many people need a slow buildup to sex, and you can do this in a subtle way for hours. Give your partner a hug, hold their hand, or rub their arm when they’re nearby. These small acts of intimacy lets your partner know you love them, and it may turn them on, too.^{[3]
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- Plus, these casual touches will make your bedroom activities feel much more natural.

4

Tease your partner with a sexy text.

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Send a sexy message to build the anticipation for later. Send them a message while they’re on their way home. Something like, “Come to the bedroom when you get here, I’ll be waiting,” is loud and clear.^{[4]
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- Or, use sexting as a way to secretly turn your partner on while other people are around. Maybe you’re in the living room with your kids or family. You could send your partner a naughty message to tease them and start setting the stage for some sexy time later.

5

Use a little humor.

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Lighten the mood by initiating with a silly joke. Sex doesn’t have to be super serious all the time, especially with a long-term partner. Instead of putting a ton of pressure on yourself, try initiating with an inside joke or a silly question. Not only will this take the pressure off of you, but off of your partner as well.^{[5]
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- “I bought a new outfit today. Wanna see what I look like without it on?”
- “I’m trying to seduce you, but really awkwardly. Is it working?”

6

Give your partner a sensual massage.

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Help your partner unwind while turning them on with a massage. Dim the lights, light a few candles, and play some relaxing music. Invite your partner to lay down, then use massage oil to glide your hands over their body. Not only will you work out their muscles, but you can slowly move in toward their more erogenous zones.^{[6]
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- To make things even more sexy while giving an erotic massage, undress with your partner.
- Feeling gross with all that body oil on you? Hop in the shower together afterwards.

7

Put on some lingerie to send a message.

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Signal your desires by putting on a sexy outfit. Slip into your favorite pair of panties and a bra, or strip down to just your boxers. Then, approach your partner and ask if they like what you’re wearing. You can try playing a little coy to tease them, or you could go right for it. After all, if you’re wearing that outfit, they know what’s up.^{[7]
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- Or, do a slow reveal by wearing a robe or a long trench coat. Then, take off your outer layer while your partner is watching.

8

Leave out props or toys.

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Sexy toys and props let your partner know you’re in the mood. Put some handcuffs on the bed or leave out one of the toys you guys like to use. When they see whatever prop you leave out, it will send a clear signal about what’s coming. It doesn’t have to be something overtly sexual either. Sometimes, just putting on some music or turning off the TV can be enough to get their attention.
- Trying to spice things up in the bedroom? Buy a new toy and leave it out for your partner to find. This exciting surprise is sure to get their engine revving.

9

Make time for foreplay.

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Turn your partner on with kissing and touching. Sex itself is great, but it’s even better when you engage in foreplay. Before diving into the main act, spend time making out with and caressing your partner. Not only will this make sex more pleasurable for the both of you, but it will give your partner time to get in the mood.^{[8]
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- Oral sex is a great way to turn your partner on before the main event.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  JT Tran
  Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}

10

Consider scheduling sex.

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Set a time period for sexual activities if you’re both super busy. Do you feel like you and your partner never have alone time together? Setting a sex schedule is a great way to make time for your sex life. Talk to your partner and see if they’d be open to scheduling a few nights per week that you can both look forward to.^{[10]
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- Some people prefer this option, because it lets them get in the right mindset. If your partner knows that you two will be having sex tonight, for instance, they can work on de-stressing and getting in the mood throughout the day.

11

Ask your partner how they want you to initiate.

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When all else fails, see what your partner wants you to do next time. Sex is a normal part of healthy relationships, and you’re welcome to talk to your partner about it at any time. If you’re having trouble figuring out what they like or how they want you to initiate, have a conversation about it. That way, you’ll both be on the same page, and you can keep your sex life going strong in the future.^{[11]
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- “How do you want me to initiate sex?”
- “Do you like spontaneous sex, or do you want time to get in the mood?”
- “Do you like it when I ____?”
Emily Morse, Author & Sex Therapist

Open communication around sex is healthy. "We have no examples of people talking about sex in a healthy way. We have a lot of shame around it because, if sex does come up in a conversation, it's usually something negative."

Expert Q&A

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Question

How long should you spend on foreplay?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

This is going to totally depend on you and your partner, so remember, communication is key. But as a general guideline, taking it slow and spending 20 minutes or so on foreplay is a pretty good guideline.

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Question

What if I'm kind of scared to talk about sex?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It's really a sign of a strong and healthy relationship if everyone is comfortable talking about sex. I know it might be scary at first, but it's one of those things that gets easier the more you do it. Don't be afraid to talk about sex! It's totally healthy and normal.

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Question

How can I make my partner more comfortable about sex?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Try to ask leading questions about what their preferences are. Try opening up a bit yourself to show them that they're comfortable with being vulnerable. Give them time. It's hard for some people to open up with this stuff.

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Tips

Work on developing an open and honest communication system about sex. The more you know about what your partner likes, the more you can turn them on!^{[12]
X
Expert Source

JT Tran
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}

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Remember to respect your partner’s feelings and to have their consent. The goal is to get your partner to want to have sex, not just to have sex regardless of how they feel.

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Warnings

Don’t try to force your partner to do something they don’t feel comfortable doing. It could potentially damage your sex life and your relationship.

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