How to Stop Your Partner from Swearing

Co-authored by Philip Glickman, PsyD

Last Updated: September 16, 2023 References

Depending on your age, location, and culture, swearing could be a socially-acceptable part of your daily language, or it could be inappropriate and even offensive. Many people swear when they're upset, while others may lapse into vulgar language in regular conversation, often without even realizing what they are saying. If your partner is swearing and it's upsetting you or setting a bad influence for other family members, you may need to work together to help your partner break their bad habit.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking to Your Partner About Swearing

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1
Address it before it's a problem. Perhaps you've been dating for a while and your partner has held back on swearing, but now that you're comfortable in the relationship they've suddenly started swearing. Or perhaps your partner has always sworn, and you've simply dealt with it as best you could. Whatever your situation might be, it's important to talk to your partner about their bad habit as early as possible. If you wait, you'll only grow resentful.
- Some researchers refer to a partner's bad habits in a relationship as "social allergies" - the habits are a minor annoyance at first, but over time they can lead to annoyance, resentment, and even disgust.^{[1]
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- If your partner's language is a significant problem to you, or if you believe it may become more of a problem for you in the future, you owe it to have an honest and straightforward discussion with your partner.
- As with any bad habit, the sooner you address it, the better it will be for you and your relationship.
- If swearing is a deal-breaker for you, it may be better to rethink whether or not you should be in a relationship with the person.
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Be kind and understanding. Your partner may have learned to swear from their family, friends, or even coworkers. Many people are exposed to vulgar language socially, and those individuals probably do not see their swearing as anything offensive or hurtful. Your partner's swearing may upset you, but it's important to remember that they love you and do not necessarily engage in this habit to hurt or upset you.
- Let your partner know that you love them, and that you do not resent them for who they are. At the same time, though, you need to be upfront and communicate to them in no uncertain terms that their behavior upsets you.^{[2]
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- Don't discount your partner's feelings or lapse into judgmental behavior, as this may alienate your partner and create further tension.^{[3]
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- Use "I" statements to convey that your partner's behavior upsets you. "You" statements tend to communicate anger, accusation, or frustration, whereas "I" statements address the way you feel about the behavior.^{[4]
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- Instead of saying "Your language is awful and you're unpleasant to be around," say something less hurtful and less absolute, such as "I love you and I'm not trying to judge you, but your language is a problem for me."
- Tell them why you want them to stop swearing instead of saying it is wrong. For example, you can say you feel more respectful when they do not swear.
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3
Convey what you want. It's not enough to point out problematic behavior. You need to go a step further and let your partner know what you'd like them to do instead. Giving criticism without guidance or direction towards whatever you'd prefer as an alternative may make your partner get defensive or feel like they're being picked on.^{[5]
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- Have an honest, back-and-forth dialogue about what you'd like your partner to do instead, and ask for their honest feedback.
- Agree to a progression. Work on curbing casual swearing first, as some language patterns (like swearing while in pain, for example) may be more difficult for your partner to break.
- After casual swearing has been eliminated, work on your partner's swearing when they're upset.
- The last step, and potentially the most difficult, will be to eliminate reactive swearing (like swearing in response to an injury or shock).
4
Be willing to compromise. Don't be upset if your partner is willing to stop swearing in front of you but wants to keep swearing when they're with friends or family members. Remember that swearing may be a social "language" for your partner, and expecting them to change how they interact with friends, coworkers, or relatives may be exceedingly difficult.
- Talk to your partner about their limits, and convey your own expectations and concerns.
- Dialogue is important through this entire process. If you and your partner are not equally communicating what you want and what you are willing to compromise on, it can quickly lead to arguments and feelings of resentment.
5
Develop concrete goals. Your partner's behavior isn't going to change overnight, and it would be unreasonable to expect such a radical transformation. However, you should have a frank conversation with your partner about how you will measure their relative success in the effort to stop swearing. Talk to your partner about your expectations and theirs to determine how you will mark their progress and the eventual accomplishment of the goal, and remember to make S.M.A.R.T. goals (specific, achievable, results-focused, and time-bound).^{[6]
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- Set incremental goals. Don't expect change to happen overnight, but don't give your partner a never-ending timeframe or they won't be motivated to make any progress.
- Ask your partner what they think would be a reasonable timeframe, and try to focus on negotiations instead of demands.
6
Find ways to motivate your partner. If your partner is willing to work on controlling their language in some form or another, try to meet them halfway. Find out what would make them happy or motivate them on a day-to-day basis, and try to help keep them on track by being their supporter rather than their critic.^{[7]
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- Ask your partner what they like and what would help keep them motivated. They may have some kind of minor indulgence, like getting takeout from a favorite restaurant or going out with friends after work, which could help keep them motivated and on some kind of progress schedule.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Curbing Your Partner's Swearing

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1
Try creating alternative words. One way to reduce swearing is to provide your partner with alternative words to use. You can come up with words together, even making up nonsensical words that will help replace your partner's vulgar language.
- Even as you work to control your partner's swearing, their need for expressive words will not diminish. Coming up with euphemisms or nonsensical words can be a fun and humorous bonding exercise.
2
Set up a swear jar. A swear jar is a great way to create low-stakes "consequences" for swearing without actually punishing your partner.^{[8]
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Research source} Every time your partner swears, ask them to put a dollar in the swear jar. Let the money build up while you help your partner try to achieve their goals, and at the end (only once they've met whatever goals you've set together) you can use that money for a fun night out together.^{[9]
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- A swear jar may seem like a "punishment," but it can actually act as a sort of motivation over time.
- As more money accumulates, your partner will realize that that money won't be spent on a fun date night until they stop swearing, which may give them the push they need.
3
Find ways to increase their awareness. Your partner may need gentle reminders whenever they slip up and swears, but sometimes your words or a discontent expression on your face aren't enough. The best way to help your partner break their bad habit is to help them find ways to increase their own awareness of what they say, and work together to make them more aware of their words.^{[10]
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- Ask your partner to wear a rubber band around their wrist. Any time they slip up and swear, tap your wrist to remind them to snap the rubber band.
- Use a dry erase board to tally up the swear words used each week. Any time they swear, ask them to write down the word they said. This can help your partner track their progress and see if their swearing is improving.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding Ways to Be Supportive

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1
Recognize your partner's triggers. Every bad habit has a trigger. Just as a smoker might have an extra cigarette after a stressful day at work, your partner may indulge in swearing when they're upset, scared, stressed out, or frustrated. One important way to help support your partner is to learn what tends to set off their swearing, and help them become aware of it too.^{[11]
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- Don't address swearing during a moment of anger or frustration, as this may cause your partner to get angry with you or to escalate their anger at the situation at hand.
- Help your partner through moments of crisis, wait until they're calm, and then talk to them (gently) about how certain situations seem to set them off. They may not even be aware of it themselves.^{[12]
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Resist anger and punishment. Some people may think that getting angry or punishing a person will help curb that person's undesired behavior. But getting angry or punishing your partner will only make them frustrated, and it could cause them to feel hopeless and even resentful.
- Instead of focusing on "punishment" (like withholding things your partner likes), focus on celebrating their accomplishments, no matter how small or minor they may seem to you.^{[13]
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- Remember that progress is slow and often marked by a series of minor victories and setbacks. Be patient and help your partner the best you can.
3
Reward good behavior. Any time your partner avoids swearing in a heated moment or goes a duration of time without swearing, praise them and celebrate that accomplishment. It will make them feel good, and it may give them motivation to keep at it.
- Don't just offer a big reward once the goal has been met. You should have a goal for the end in mind, but offer little goals along the way to help your partner feel your support.
4
Be patient. It bears repeating that no bad habit is going to change overnight. If your partner has grown up with vulgar language, breaking that habit may take months or even years. The best thing for both of you (and for your relationship) in the meantime is to remain patient with your partner.^{[14]
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- Work to develop patience by changing your own mindset. Practice mindfulness and practice breathing exercises. Don't see your partner's slip ups as an indication of failure or a lack of effort on your part or theirs.^{[15]
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- Recognize that your partner is trying, and continue to offer them support. Celebrate their accomplishments, no matter how small.
- Remember that change takes time and patience. Your partner needs your support during times of change and struggle more than ever.

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Question

How do you deal with excessive swearing?

Lia Huynh, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She specializes in providing counseling services for individuals, couples, Christians, and Asian Americans. Lia holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles, and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pupil Personnel Services from San Francisco State University.

Lia Huynh, LMFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Bring up the person's swearing in a respectful and non-judgmental way instead of blowing it up into a big deal. Calmly explain why you'd like the person to stop swearing, rather than making it about right and wrong.

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Tips

Bring up swearing (or any bad habit) in private. Be gentle and be patient.

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Never make your partner feel bad for their bad habits or for any slip ups that happen while they try to break the habit.

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Warnings

Never try to point out or correct someone's swearing while that person is angry or stressed out. Anger can make people feel like a victim if confronted with criticism, which may cause that person's anger to grow. Wait until your partner is calm and level-headed, then talk to them gently and lovingly about their language.

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