What Are Some Questions to Ask a Guy to Know His Intentions?

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Amy Bobinger, BA

Last Updated: February 26, 2023 References

When you're just getting to know a new guy, it can be hard to know what he's thinking. You don't have to drive yourself crazy playing the guessing game, though. With the right questions, you can get a better sense of what he’s thinking and feeling.

Here are 11 questions you can ask a guy to get to the bottom of what his intentions are.

1

Is this a date?

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Don't be afraid to clarify whether you're dating or "hanging out." Sometimes a guy will ask you if you want to get together, but he won't specify if he's asking you on a date. No need to be shy—you can even ask ahead of time. If it is a date, great! If it's not, you can still go and have a great time if you want to, without the added pressure of wondering what's going on.^{[1]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}^{[2]
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- For instance, if he says, "Do you want to meet for drinks tomorrow night?" you might say, "Sure! Is it a date, or can I bring a friend?"
- Keep in mind that if he wants to hang out at his house (or yours) before you've been on an official date, there's a good chance he's just looking for a hookup.

2

Are you seeing anyone else?

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Ask him directly if you're not sure whether you're exclusive. If you've been on a couple of dates and you want to know if he's still dating other people, go ahead and ask. If he's not ready to commit just yet, he'll let you know—but remember, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means he isn't the right person for you right now.^{[3]
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- On the other hand, you might just find out that he's been waiting for the right time to ask you to be exclusive!

3

What do you look for in a partner?

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Give him a chance to talk about his ideal person. This is a good one to throw out early on, when the stakes are still pretty low. If he mentions a lot of qualities that you share, there's a good chance you're compatible.^{[4]
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- Be honest with yourself about this. If he says, "I want someone who's adventurous and spontaneous," but you love snuggling up on the couch and sticking to a comfortable routine, you might not be a good match.
- If he says, "I just want someone to have fun with," he's probably looking for something with no strings attached. If that's all you want too, then go have fun! If you want something more serious, though, make that clear.
- On the other hand, if he says, "I really want someone who's honest, loving, and supportive," and you know that fits you to a T, that's a pretty encouraging sign!

4

What do you want in a relationship right now?

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Get his views on romance as early as your first chat. Go ahead and make sure you're on the same page right away—it can even happen before your first date. Chances are, he's going to be honest. Just be sure you really listen to his answers and you don't just hear what you want to. Be upfront about what you're looking for, as well.^{[5]
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- If he says something like, "I'm just having fun," or "I don't want to settle down," he's letting you know he doesn't want anything serious.
- If he says, "I'm just doing my thing until I meet someone special," it lets you know he's open to something more, as long as things work out.
- For a more roundabout way to ask this, you might say something like, "How do you feel about long-term relationships?"^{[6]
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- To be more direct, you might ask, "Are you looking for commitment?"

5

What was your last relationship like?

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Make note of whether he seems like he's over it. It can be hard to move on from a failed relationship, and it's really important to heal fully before you commit to someone new. Don't push him to go into too much detail. Even a brief overview is fine and can give you some important insight into how he handles heartbreak.^{[7]
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- Listen to how he talks about his ex. If he only has bad things to say, it might be a sign that he can't take responsibility for his part in how that relationship ended. On the other hand, if he puts them on a pedestal, it might be a sign he's still hanging on to some feelings for them.

6

Do you think you'll want kids someday?

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Drop this question in casually. You're not asking him to commit to having kids with you right now. You just want to know if he pictures himself as a dad eventually. Trust his answer—if he says no but you secretly want a family one day, it's not fair to expect him to change his mind.^{[8]
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- If he already has children from a previous relationship, you might ask, "Do you see yourself ever wanting any more kids?"

7

Do you want to go on vacation with me this summer?

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See if he's willing to make plans for the future. Once you've been going out for a while, ask him if he's interested in taking a weekend trip with you a few months from now. If he seems hesitant, he might not be sure if he's still going to be with you then. On the other hand, if he's totally on board, it's pretty likely that he's picturing you in his long-terms plans!^{[9]
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- Don't push him to finalize the plans right away. There's plenty of time to figure out logistics like when to travel, who's paying for what, and where you're staying. If you bring that up from the start, you might feel like he doesn't want to go with you—but in reality, he might just be feeling overwhelmed by the details.

8

How do you feel about me?

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Get his perspective on you after a few dates. Give him a chance to get to know you before you ask him about his feelings for you. Being direct about a question like this will give him a chance to open up if he hasn't done so already.^{[10]
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- If he's really serious about you, he's probably going to tell you. For instance, he might say something like, "I think you're amazing," "I feel like you're really special," or even, "I love you."
- If he's still not quite sure, he might say something more ambiguous like, "I think you're cool," or "I like spending time with you."

9

How do you feel about our relationship?

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Ask this to see if he feels like you're compatible. Every relationship goes through a few ups and downs, and it's normal after a while to wonder how your partner is feeling about things. Then, give him the space to talk. You might be surprised at the insight he offers—you might be worried he's been pulling away when he actually feels like things are super-solid.^{[11]
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- On the other hand, he might have really valid concerns about how the two of you work together. If so, it's worth spending some time reflecting on that to make sure the relationship is really right for you.

10

Where do you see this relationship heading?

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Be upfront about what you really want to know. If hinting around isn't getting you what you want, just go ahead and ask. Let him know that you're ready to be clear on where things are heading. You're not necessarily promising each other you'll be together forever (yet), but it's important to clarify whether you're both serious about trying to make this work.^{[12]
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- Similarly, you might ask, "Do you see a future with me?"
- For a more subtle way to ask, try something like, "Would you get married if you were sure you'd met the right person?"

11

Can I meet your mom?

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Wait until you've known him a while to ask this. If you guy and his mom are close, it's usually a pretty big deal if he brings you around her. Typically, that means that he sees you as more than just a casual fling—but don't rush into it. Ideally, it should be his suggestion. However, if you've been seeing each other for a few months, asking this could give you an idea of what he thinks of your relationship.
- Of course, there could be a lot of different circumstances here that could affect this—you might have known his mom before you met him, or he might have introduced you early on! On the other hand, his family might live far away, or he might not have a great relationship with them. Use what you know about your guy to gauge how effective this will be.

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Question

Is it okay to ask if this is a date?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Yes! Don't be afraid to ask for clarification when you're going out with someone. They may be wondering the same thing!

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In addition to listening carefully to what he tells you, pay attention to what he does—it's important that his actions match his words!

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