This article was co-authored by John Keegan and by wikiHow staff writer, Amber Crain. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
This article has been viewed 237,420 times.
It’s completely normal to develop feelings for a friend. However, once you’ve been put into the Friend Zone, it can sometimes feel like there’s no way out. You definitely don’t want to ruin the great friendship you already have, which puts even more pressure on you. Even if it's a little scary, the best thing you can do is be straightforward about your romantic feelings. Try to keep the tone light and always approach her respectfully and confidently. If you do, the conversation will go smoothly, regardless of the outcome.
Consider the consequences of asking her out.[1]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 November 2019. Will you still be able to friends if she says no? How will your relationship change once you make your romantic feelings clear? Did you become friends with her in the first place because of a romantic interest? Think the scenario through to the end and make sure that you're okay with both possibilities (her saying yes and her saying no).
2
Consider her feelings. As her friend, you have the advantage of knowing what’s going on in her personal life. If she’s going through something difficult or if she’s just broken up with her long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s not the right time to ask her out. If she’s specifically mentioned recently that she doesn’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend, respect her feelings.
If it's not the right time for her, you are much more likely to get rejected. Instead, be a good friend to her – that’s what she needs right now. She’ll appreciate and remember it.
Catch her in a good mood. When a person is happy, they tend to react more positively to new things.
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3
Flirt with her. If you’ve never shown any romantic interest in her before, it’s best to send a few hints before you ask her out. Flirt with her and see how she reacts. You don’t have to be over the top with your flirting. It can be as simple as telling her she looks pretty in a new dress, or touching her lightly on the arm when you’re talking to her.[2]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 November 2019.
How does she react to the flirting? What’s her body language? Is she facing you directly and looking into your eyes? Is she smiling at you? Does she look comfortable and happy?
Look for positive body language like uncrossed arms, facing you directly, leaning in closer to you, smiling, laughing and meeting your gaze.
4
Start off with light conversation.[3]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 November 2019. Before you make the leap, you want things to feel pleasant and low pressure for her. If you begin by acting strangely or in an unusually shy manner, she’s going to pick up on that immediately. Awkwardness might set in. To avoid this, start with a fun conversation, make her laugh, and let your personality shine.[4]XResearch source
Once she’s smiling and engaged, then escalate the romance.
Flirt with her in a very obvious way, get a little closer to her, and get ready to make your move.
Ask her out in person. It’s tempting to ask someone out through text or social media. However, it’s better to do it face to face so that everything is interpreted the way you want it to be. She will see your facial expression, hear the tone of your voice, and understand clearly what your intentions are.
If you send her a casual text asking if she wants to hang out that night, the implication will be that you’re just friends.
This ends up keeping you in the Friend Zone, which is precisely where you don’t want to be.
Have the conversation somewhere you both feel comfortable, like one of your usual hang out spots or during a lunch break.
2
Stay calm and smile. Try not to be nervous when you talk to her. If you are at ease, it will make her feel that way, too. These situations can get awkward very quickly – try to avoid that by continuing the easygoing vibe you already share as friends.
Keep everything positive and speak to her in a warm, genuine way.
She will take her cues from you, so remember to stay calm and keep it positive.
3
Be direct. You don’t have to make a big production out of it, but it’s important that she knows that you want to go out with her, not hang out with her. Being completely passive when you have feelings for someone is one of the major reasons why people end up permanently in the Friend Zone.[5]XResearch source
Say something like, “I really love hanging out with you and I’m starting to have feelings for you as more than a friend. I’m hoping that maybe you’re starting to feel that way, too. I think it would be awesome to take you out on a proper date.”
By keeping your feelings to yourself, you might miss your chance with her completely.
4
Have a date activity already in mind.[6]XResearch source Don’t be ambiguous. Instead of saying, “So, would you like to go out some time?” ask her out for a specific day and activity. Your first date doesn’t have to be anything super formal. Even something as simple as, “Would you like to see the new exhibit at the Contemporary Art Museum with me this Saturday?” will work.
Try to pick something that you two have never done together before, so that it has a completely different vibe from one of your regular hang out sessions.
If you choose an activity that you already regularly do together, she might not completely realize your intentions.[7]XResearch source
Reader Poll: We asked 1981 wikiHow readers about which first date they’d like to go on the most, and only 8% said going rock climbing. [Take Poll] So, suggesting a more casual activity, like grabbing coffee or seeing a show, might be more fun for her.
Explain how important her friendship is to you. Tell her something like, “I don’t want to put a strain on our friendship, because I really do love being your friend. If you aren’t into me in a romantic way, I just want you to know that nothing about our friendship will change."
Add something like, "We’re still the same people we were before I started this conversation. I want to continue having fun with you, and if you want that to be on a completely platonic level, I will respect that.”
2
Make her comfortable.[8]XResearch source It’s really important that you create a comfortable and safe atmosphere when you ask her out. Don’t be pushy or needy – just be you. Say something like, "I have feelings for you, but I don't want that to make you feel anxious or uncomfortable. Your friendship is important to me. Please tell me if this conversation makes you feel awkward at all."
Make sure she knows that whatever her answer is, you’re going to be ok with it.
Things may be a bit awkward at first but eventually the friendship will go back to normal.
3
Accept her response.[9]XResearch source It’s unfortunate, but these things happen. However, how you choose to handle the rejection makes all the difference. When you handle a rejection with grace and maturity, it shows others that you are confident in yourself.[10]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 November 2019. Grace, maturity and confidence are all highly attractive qualities.
Just because she doesn’t feel romantically about you now doesn’t mean she’ll always feel that way, so keep a positive attitude.
However, if she does say that she might have feelings for you in the future, don't put your love life on hold. Her saying this is essentially a "no." You should pursue other people if you want to and should not count on her feeling differently in the future.
At the very least, she will appreciate this as your friend, because it enables you both to continue your friendship.
I’m a guy and I have been best friends with this girl since childhood. I’ve always kind of had a little bit of a crush on her, and I think sh... Read More
If the two of you have never had a conversation about dating one another and it’s not something that might be on the table, I’d suggest stayi... Read More
I'm going to speak from my personal experience here. I've confessed my feelings to my childhood best friend twice now. Once when we were kids and... Read More
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John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
It is possible if the girl develops more feelings for you. However, if they aren't interested in a relationship, reevaluate if you expect something more from your friendship or if you're genuinely their friend.
Question
What should you do if you fall for a good friend that you haven't seen for 8 months (but have communicated with over text), asked her out, and then received an email from her that said that she doesn't want to ruin your friendship?
Community Answer
You’ve already done the hard part of making yourself vulnerable and letting her know that you’d like to date her. Good for you! It sounds like you’ve also got your answer as well. The “ruining our friendship” excuse may or may not be the real reason she does not want to date you, but that doesn’t matter as much as knowing that she doesn’t. Bravo to you for being brave! Now use your new skills to go ask out another awesome girl.
Question
What should you do if you ask a girl out over a year ago and she says that she'll date you when she's ready? And what if you hang out with her as friends and flirt with her, but are afraid to ask her out?
Community Answer
It sounds like you’ve already asked her out if she’s told you she’d date you when she’s ready. She’ll let you know if and when that date arrives. In the meantime, keep being a great friend and open yourself up to other dating options. There are girls out there who are ready to date you now.
This article was co-authored by John Keegan and by wikiHow staff writer, Amber Crain. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 237,420 times.
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 237,420 times.
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Jun 17, 2016
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Updated: May 3, 2024
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Consider the consequences of asking her out.[1] Will you still be able to friends if she says no? How will your relationship change once you make your romantic feelings clear? Did you become friends with her in the first place because of a romantic interest? Think the scenario through to the end and make sure that you're okay with both possibilities (her saying yes and her saying no).
Consider her feelings. As her friend, you have the advantage of knowing what’s going on in her personal life. If she’s going through something difficult or if she’s just broken up with her long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s not the right time to ask her out. If she’s specifically mentioned recently that she doesn’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend, respect her feelings.
Flirt with her. If you’ve never shown any romantic interest in her before, it’s best to send a few hints before you ask her out. Flirt with her and see how she reacts. You don’t have to be over the top with your flirting. It can be as simple as telling her she looks pretty in a new dress, or touching her lightly on the arm when you’re talking to her.[2]
Start off with light conversation.[3] Before you make the leap, you want things to feel pleasant and low pressure for her. If you begin by acting strangely or in an unusually shy manner, she’s going to pick up on that immediately. Awkwardness might set in. To avoid this, start with a fun conversation, make her laugh, and let your personality shine.[4]
-Step-2-Version-2.jpg)
Ask her out in person. It’s tempting to ask someone out through text or social media. However, it’s better to do it face to face so that everything is interpreted the way you want it to be. She will see your facial expression, hear the tone of your voice, and understand clearly what your intentions are.
Stay calm and smile. Try not to be nervous when you talk to her. If you are at ease, it will make her feel that way, too. These situations can get awkward very quickly – try to avoid that by continuing the easygoing vibe you already share as friends.
Be direct. You don’t have to make a big production out of it, but it’s important that she knows that you want to go out with her, not hang out with her. Being completely passive when you have feelings for someone is one of the major reasons why people end up permanently in the Friend Zone.[5]
Have a date activity already in mind.[6] Don’t be ambiguous. Instead of saying, “So, would you like to go out some time?” ask her out for a specific day and activity. Your first date doesn’t have to be anything super formal. Even something as simple as, “Would you like to see the new exhibit at the Contemporary Art Museum with me this Saturday?” will work.
-Step-8.jpg)
Explain how important her friendship is to you. Tell her something like, “I don’t want to put a strain on our friendship, because I really do love being your friend. If you aren’t into me in a romantic way, I just want you to know that nothing about our friendship will change."
Make her comfortable.[8] It’s really important that you create a comfortable and safe atmosphere when you ask her out. Don’t be pushy or needy – just be you. Say something like, "I have feelings for you, but I don't want that to make you feel anxious or uncomfortable. Your friendship is important to me. Please tell me if this conversation makes you feel awkward at all."
Accept her response.[9] It’s unfortunate, but these things happen. However, how you choose to handle the rejection makes all the difference. When you handle a rejection with grace and maturity, it shows others that you are confident in yourself.[10] Grace, maturity and confidence are all highly attractive qualities.
-Step-18.jpg)
John KeeganJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
Community AnswerYou’ve already done the hard part of making yourself vulnerable and letting her know that you’d like to date her. Good for you! It sounds like you’ve also got your answer as well. The “ruining our friendship” excuse may or may not be the real reason she does not want to date you, but that doesn’t matter as much as knowing that she doesn’t. Bravo to you for being brave! Now use your new skills to go ask out another awesome girl.
"This article helped me a ton. Now I might be able to ask out the girl I like. There could be a rejection, but I am ready to face it. Thanks, you helped me today."..." more
