How to Comfort Your Girlfriend

Co-authored by Donna Novak, Psy.D

Last Updated: June 5, 2024 References

When you see someone you care about in distress, it's easy to feel helpless. This is particularly true in a romantic relationship, where emotions tend to get exaggerated. There are many reasons a girlfriend may need comforting: She may be upset or angry about something that happened, or simply feeling blue and in need of some warmth. How you go about comforting your girlfriend depends largely on the girl and the connection you have with her. Fortunately, the simple act of being there for her when she needs your support and understanding goes a long way toward comforting her.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Talking Things Through with Your Girlfriend

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1
Be there emotionally and physically as quickly as possible. Within reason, you should make your girlfriend your number one priority when she's upset and needs your support. How quickly you're there for her might be as important as being there itself and the act of you rushing to her aid lets her know how much she means to you. This, alone, will help her feel better regardless of why she's upset
- Obviously, you won't be able to rush to your girlfriend at the drop of a coin. Most times, you will have to balance the criticality of your current activities and the severity of her emotional distress. If you're at work or school and her situation is dire, you should clear your mind of your responsibilities and give her all the emotional support and caring that you can verbally. Let her know that she is your number one priority and that you will be there physically as soon as you can practically clear your plate.
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Listen carefully to what she's upset about. Until you know what your girlfriend is specifically upset about, you can't offer any but the broadest consolation. Whether the situation is minor or a life-changing issue, hold off on the advice at first—instead, start by listening intently to what she's saying.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
- Engage in active listening. Repeat back what you think you're hearing to be sure you really understand what she's going through.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Donna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
- Empathy cannot happen if you're partly focused on your own thoughts. Even so, you shouldn't be afraid to offer your own feelings, but only if she asks you for them.
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Ask what you can do. Don't just assume you know the best way to solve her problem. Ask what she really needs, and see if there's anything you can do to support her.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
- If she's told you before that there's something she'd like for you to do while she's upset, like holding her hand and just being there for her, try that at first. When she calms down, ask if there's anything else she'd like.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1451 wikiHow readers, and 62% of them agreed that the best way to comfort your girlfriend when she talks to you about personal problems is to show empathy and offer support. [Take Poll]
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Make her laugh. Laughter helps relieve the stress and re-centers the emotions. In this way a number of mental and emotional problems can seem less critical and more manageable.^{[4]
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Research source}
- If you and your girlfriend have a strong enough chemistry, you are probably making her laugh on a regular basis as it is. Humour is a powerful remedy against mental stress, and it can help get her find off of what's bothering her long enough to affect positive change in her mood.
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Lighten any potential feelings of shamefulness. In addition to whatever she is feeling bad about, your girlfriend may feel a new kind of shame in simply showing emotional vulnerability to you.^{[5]
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Research source} If you think this is the case, you should pull her in close to you and remind her feelings are normal and only to be expected. Reassure her that her trust in you will never, ever be betrayed.
- Encourage her! Remind her of things that she's done that have been successful, or of a time she was able to get through something really hard.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Donna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
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Stay calm. Remember that the focus should be entirely on your girlfriend and her feelings while you are offering comfort and support. This might be difficult if you're emotionally involved in the situation which upset her, but you must put your feelings on the back burner and let hers be fully worked out. If you get overly upset and start folding in your thoughts and feelings, it will only make matters worse. And, in the end, you will have done little to comfort or console her.
- If you're upset, it's best to make her feel better, then tend to your side of the issue at a future time.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Expressing Your Caring Non-Verbally

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1
Approach her on her terms. When you meet with her, it's important not to overstep your bounds. This includes keeping a cap on physical affection or romantic gestures unless you think she's in the mood for it. In many cases, a girl who is furious over something isn't going to be receptive to cuddling. When you meet her, come close but respect her personal space at the start. If she wants something, chances are she will let you know.
- Depending on how long you have been with your girlfriend, you should be able to predict her behaviour in certain situations. If you've comforted her in the past and she was receptive to certain actions, repeating them again is a good trick.
While you're talking to her, the best thing you can do initially is to let her know she has your complete attention. Although you'll be getting this impression across through your words as well, attentive body language shows her that you're listening with your body as much as your brain. Steady eye contact, leaning and pointing your body in her direction, smiling, and nodding your head when appropriate all will show the girl that you care.^{[7]
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3
Buy her a gift. Gift-giving is surprisingly well-suited for times of stress. Although a bouquet of flowers obviously isn't going to make the problem itself go away, it is a physical sign of love and affection. The symbolic nature of a gift can go a long ways towards making your girlfriend feel better.
- Giving her a present can be effective, but only if it's backed up with honest talk and warmth.
- Try to consider whether the reason your girlfriend needs comforting is really appropriate for whatever gift you're getting her. Flowers are suitable for just about any situation, but getting her favourite video game after her parents have died probably isn't going to get the reaction you're looking for.
A tissue is a common offering to give someone if you find her crying. Crying can be an embarrassing thing, even in the midst of someone you're deeply involved with. A tissue doesn't make it any less embarrassing, but it does help clear up the evidence. Offering your girlfriend a tissue to wipe away tears is especially helpful if she wears any eye makeup. She will probably thank you for it later on.
Provided your girlfriend didn't rush into your arms for comfort from the get-go, giving her a hug is recommended at some point. The positive effects of hugs are well-known.^{[8]
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Research source} It's a quick way to feel better, as everything from the stress level to one's blood pressure become regulated during a hug.
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Cuddle up together. Cuddling is a bona fide remedy to most emotional troubles. If your girlfriend has been feeling upset about something, there's usually nothing better than to cuddle up once things have been relatively resolved. Even if she's not feeling totally fine by the time you get down to cuddling, the act of cuddling itself comes with an impressive range of benefits, including boosts to feelings of well-being and happiness.
- Once you're cuddling up, you might think about watching her favourite movie together. Something light-hearted and fun is usually best, and the entertainment is a great way to keep her mind off the issue at hand until she's calm and rested enough to properly deal with it.

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How can I encourage my girlfriend?

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.

Donna Novak, Psy.D

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Help her recognize past times that she was successful or that she was able to get something hard. In addition, remind her that you're there to support her along the way.

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How do I help my girlfriend fix a problem?

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.

Donna Novak, Psy.D

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Ask what you can do to support her. That gives you the space to really hear what she's needing. Also, see if there's anyone else who can be of support to her if you're not able to.

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What do I do if my girlfriend is having a hard time?

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.

Donna Novak, Psy.D

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try not to go into problem-solving mode—really take a step back and listen to what she has to say. Also, repeat back what you believe you're hearing so you can confirm that you're really getting what she's going through.

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Tips

It should go without saying that comforting your girlfriend in person is preferable to alternatives like the phone or online, as being in person widens the range of things you can do for her. However, if she is feeling down about something, it's best to act quickly. Do what you can, when you can.

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Warnings

While you should always be there for your girlfriend when she needs you, understand that you won't always be able to solve every problem for her. Sometimes, it's impossible to make someone feel better about a given situation. If that's the case, only time and passive support can improve things.

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Be careful not to internalize whatever your girlfriend is upset about. Matching a negative emotion with another will only create new problems atop the existing ones.

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