How to Tell Someone You Don't Want to Date Them Without Hurting Them

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Let them down gently with this helpful guide

Co-authored by John Keegan and Annabelle Reyes

Last Updated: November 26, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Declining a First Date
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• Breaking Things Off After a Few Dates
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• Things to Avoid
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• In Person vs. Over Text
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• Examples of What to Say
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• Video
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• Tips

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Telling someone you don’t want to date them can be difficult, whether you’re turning down a first date or breaking things off after going out a few times. You don’t want to hurt their feelings, but at the same time, you want to be very clear that you aren’t interested. Luckily, we’ve compiled a complete guide on how to do this compassionately yet unambiguously, complete with advice from expert dating coaches. Keep reading for everything you need to know!

How to Tell Someone You Don’t Want to Date Them

1. Tell them that you’re not interested in an honest and upfront way.
2. Focus on your own feelings and use “I” statements.
3. Be kind, but also firm and unambiguous.
4. Keep the rejection brief, and don’t over-explain yourself.

Steps

Examples of What to Say

Sample Examples to Tell Someone You Don't Want to Date Them Without Hurting Them

Section 1 of 4:

How to Decline a First Date

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1. 1
   Be honest and tell them that you’re flattered but not interested. When telling someone you don’t want to go on a date with them, it’s important to be upfront and direct, but also kind. Dating coach John Keegan explains that it takes a lot of guts and courage to ask someone out and risk rejection, so if you’re able to reject them sensitively, it goes a long way. Here are some examples of what to say:

   • “Thanks, I’m really flattered that you asked me out, but I’m not interested in you in that way.”
   • “I appreciate your interest, but I don’t feel a romantic connection between us.”
   • “I really appreciate that you asked me that, and I’m really flattered, but I don’t think we’re a good match.”
2. 2
   Focus on expressing your own feelings. Instead of using language describing why you don't want them, try putting the focus on yourself instead. Simple statements such as, “I don't see you that way, I'm sorry” and “I really like you as a person, but I don't feel a connection between us” are easier to digest than “You aren't my type." Here are some examples:

   • “I think you’re great, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
   • “I don’t feel a romantic spark between us, but I would love to stay friends.”
   • “I appreciate your interest and I’m flattered, but I don’t think we’re a good match.”
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3. 3
   Keep your rejection short, and don’t over-explain yourself. When it comes to turning someone down, less is usually more. Explaining your reasons to some extent can be helpful to create a sense of closure for the other person, but you don’t need to elaborate. Lengthy rejections and rambling explanations can open the conversation up to debate and misinterpretation. For example:

   • “I’m really flattered, but I’m not interested in dating anyone right now. I’ve got a lot going on at school and work, so I’m focusing on that.”
   • “I appreciate your interest, but I’m really enjoying being single at the moment, so I’m not open to dating or relationships.”
   • “Thanks for asking me that. I’m really flattered, but I don’t feel a romantic spark between us, and I only see you as a friend.”
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Mark Rosenfeld

   Dating & Relationship Coach

   Mark Rosenfeld is a Dating and Relationship Coach based in Norman Park, Australia. He founded his coaching business, Make Him Yours, in 2015. Mark specializes in helping women find, attract, and keep extraordinary relationships. He has been featured in Style Magazine, Thought Catalog, Elite Daily, News.com.au, and The Good Men Project. Mark’s dating videos have received over 60 million views, and his book “Make Him Yours – Beating the Odds of Modern Dating” was a best-seller on Amazon upon its release.

   

   Mark Rosenfeld
   Dating & Relationship Coach

   It's not the end of the world if the other person’s feelings get hurt. We focus a lot on not hurting people's feelings, but we also have to understand that people need feedback. It’s okay to be honest, as long as you’re not doing it maliciously. And, in fact, it may actually help toughen them up for future rejection.
4. 4
   End the conversation gracefully. You might want to keep the conversation going in an effort to try to act normal and make the other person feel better about the rejection, but the kindest thing to do is to end the encounter on a positive note and give the other person a chance to process their feelings in private, since they may feel sad, hurt, or embarrassed. Here are some examples of what to say:

   • “Thanks so much for being so respectful. I’m gonna go so you have some space, but if you’re interested in being friends in the future, feel free to reach out.”
   • “I’m gonna head out, but I truly think you’re awesome, and I know there’s someone really special out there for you.”
   • Once you’ve said your piece, offer a sincere smile and make a quick exit. Continuing the conversation or hanging around after the deed is done can be confusing and unpleasant for the other person.
5. 5
   Keep the matter private. If the two of you are in the same social circle or work at the same place, try not to discuss the matter with mutual friends or coworkers. Being rejected is difficult enough without having to navigate the additional problem of feeling ashamed about it in front of other people, so be respectful of the other person’s feelings and privacy.
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Section 2 of 4:

How to Break Things Off After a Few Dates

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1. 1
   Tell them as soon as you realize you aren’t interested in another date. Breaking things off after a date or two is awkward for both parties involved, and it can be tempting to ignore the situation entirely. If you pretend it’s not happening it will magically go away, right? Unfortunately, allowing silence to be your answer and hoping the other person will eventually “get the hint” can be hurtful, Keegan explains. It’s best to let them know how you’re feeling directly.

   • Avoid waiting for “the right time” because there usually is no “right time." The longer you wait, the harder and more awkward the rejection will be for both of you.
   • It can also make it difficult for the other person to move on if they don’t receive a firm and clear “no” from you, so the kindest thing you can do is provide that to them.
2. 2
   Share your feelings in an honest and upfront way. Let them know you’ve appreciated the chance to get to know them, and feel free to mention some of the positive traits you admire about them. Then, in a clear and unambiguous way, tell them that you’re not interested in pursuing the relationship further. Finally, wish them the best and end things on a positive note. Here are some examples:

   • “Thank you for taking the time to get to get to know me on our date the other night. You’re a really cool person, but I’m not feeling a romantic connection between us. I wish you all the best though, and I know there’s an awesome person out there for you.”
   • “I’ve enjoyed our time together, but I don’t feel like we’re a match. I wanted to be upfront about how I’m feeling, and I don’t want to lead you on. I really do think you’re great though, and I wish you all the best.”
   • “I think you’re a truly special person and I’ve enjoyed our dates, but I don’t think we have enough in common to pursue a romantic relationship. I think we’d be great as friends if you’re open to that, but if not, I wish you all the best on your dating journey.”
3. 3
   Be kind, but not apologetic. No one enjoys hurting another person, so it makes sense that you’d want to be sensitive and gentle in this process. It’s important to remember, however, that turning someone down doesn’t make you a jerk or a bad person. You can’t help it if you aren’t attracted to them, and it’s completely okay to break things off. Your needs and emotions are always valid, and you don’t need to feel guilty or apologize for them.

   • Remember, you aren’t obligated to keep things going in order to avoid hurting their feelings. When you don’t see a future with someone, it’s best to end things, so that you can both move on and hopefully find the right matches in the future.
4. 4
   Give them space and avoid stringing them along. Don’t continue to stay in contact with a person that you have zero plans to ever actually date. Sometimes it can feel good being around someone who you know really likes you, but this can make it a lot harder for the other person to get over you.

   • It can be tempting to reach out to someone who you’ve turned down in the past, especially if you are going through a rough patch yourself, but don’t re-initiate communication unless you’re really interested.
   • A momentary lapse of judgment on your end can cause a lot of confusion and despair for someone else, and you’ll also be putting yourself in the position to have to reject them again.
   • If you’ve agreed to be friends, it’s best to take some time apart first. This allows you both to process your feelings and come back to the friendship when you’re in a better place.
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Section 3 of 4:

What to Avoid

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1. 1
   Ghosting “Ghosting” means disappearing with no explanation after being romantically involved with someone, and it can occur after one date or several. Dating coach JT Tran explains that this behavior is common in the dating world, but it often leads to loose ends and emotional wounds. If possible, a direct and honest conversation is a better choice to give you both a sense of closure, and it’s also more respectful of the other person.

   • In a 2012 study, researchers identified seven breakup strategies and then asked people to rate them from most to least ideal. “Ghosting” was overwhelmingly identified as the least ideal way to break it off with someone.
2. 2
   Giving false hope You may think it’s best to leave things ambiguous or open-ended to avoid hurting their feelings, but this just complicates things in the long run. If they think there’s a chance you’ll change your mind, it’ll be harder for them to move on, and you may find yourself having to reject them all over again down the road. If you truly aren’t interested in dating this person, make this clear, and avoid wavering or appearing indecisive.
3. 3
   Being unkind or overly critical You may be turning someone down for an entire host of reasons, but you don’t need to list them out. Honesty is important, but there’s no need to insult or belittle the other person if they’ve been polite and respectful toward you. It’s usually best to keep things simple and general, rather than pointing out all the things you find unattractive about them.

   • For example, if you’re not into them because you don’t like their personal style and you don’t think they’re a great conversationalist, that’s totally fine, but it would be unnecessarily hurtful to say this.
   • Something simple, like, “I don’t think we would be a good match, and I can tell that because I have a good sense of these things,” would be preferable, explains Keegan.
4. 4
   Offering to stay friends when you don’t mean it Before telling them that you’re open to a friendship, assess your motivations for doing this. Do you genuinely want them to stay in your life as a friend? Or, are you just trying to soften the blow and spare their feelings? If it’s the latter, don’t offer to stay friends—it’ll just lead to more awkwardness and confusion in the long run.

   • If you truly do want to remain friends, remember to give the person some space after you reject them.
   • It’s also possible that the other person won’t feel capable of being friends because of their romantic feelings for you. If that’s the case, you’ll have to respect that.
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Section 4 of 4:

Should you reject someone in person, or over text?

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1. 1
   Respond to strangers and acquaintances via text. Unless you’ve known this person for a long time or have already been dating them for several months, letting them down gently via text is not only acceptable but also preferable.

   • The blow of rejection is softened by the neutrality of a text and allows the person to nurse their momentarily bruised ego in private. There is no reason to make physical contact with someone you don’t know well just to turn them down.
   • In some cases, such as when it comes to being approached online or by someone you work with that you rarely see and hardly know, even an email will suffice as a rejection.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 792 wikiHow readers who've ended a short relationship, and 63% of them agreed that the best way to break up is by texting them. [Take Poll]
2. 2
   Respond to friends and co-workers in person. Anyone that you know personally or see every day, such as a friend or co-worker, deserves a face to face response. This will also make inevitable future encounters far less awkward.

   • Delivering the news in person allows the other person to see your facial expressions/body language and hear the tone of your voice.
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Tips

Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

• Briefly telling them why really helps. For example, "I think dating at this age isn't a good idea because we're too young, and I don't feel ready for a relationship." Make it to the point but also sweet to soften the blow.
• If they've liked you for a really long time, be sure to be extra gentle with their feelings. This person has spent months or possibly years gathering the courage to ask you out, so try to be kind.
• Never say you don't want to date someone because of how they look! This is unnecessarily harsh and will hurt their feelings.

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