11 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And What to Do about It)

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Why your guy may be giving you the cold shoulder

Co-authored by Nora Oliver and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: July 12, 2024 Fact Checked

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Common Reasons Why

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What to Do

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Signs He’s Pulling Away

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Video

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Expert Interview

Whether you’ve been together for years or just started dating last month, there may come a time when your partner starts to pull away from you. Feeling your partner distance himself can be alarming, but rest assured that it often has nothing to do with you (and may not even be about your relationship at all). We’ve listed the top 11 reasons why your partner might be pulling away, as well as how you can get him to come back without making him feel pressured. To get your relationship back on track and stop the hot and cold behavior, keep reading.

Things You Should Know

Men sometimes pull away from their partners when they’re unsure about their feelings or afraid of commitment.
He may also be pulling away because of outside stressors, like work or family drama.
When you sense him pulling away, give him space, but let him know that you’re available whenever he’s ready to talk.

Section 1 of 3:

Common Reasons Men Pull Away

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Maybe one day he’s super into you, but the next day you can’t get ahold of him. His constant hot and cold behavior could indicate that he’s not sure how he feels about the relationship. If he’s not totally certain that he wants to commit, he might be pulling away until he can figure things out for himself.^{[1]
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He doesn’t know how to express himself. Because of societal expectations, men often have a harder time expressing their emotions.^{[2]
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Research source} If that’s the case for your partner, he may be pulling away because he doesn’t know how to tell you how he’s feeling. This is especially likely if he feels pressured to express his feelings to you.
- Humans aren't always great communicators. Sometimes, men need the space to try and figure out how they're going to communicate whatever they have going on.
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When a man is stressed, he tends to shut down and close everyone out. He could be stressed about your relationship, but it’s just as likely that he’s stressed about work, family issues, or other commitments. When someone is stressed, it tends to affect their whole life, and could cause them to pull away from their loved ones.^{[3]
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U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.

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Being afraid to commit can happen for many reasons, including feeling pressured by society or getting worried about the responsibilities that come with a relationship. If your man isn’t ready to define the relationship or be exclusive, he may be pulling away instead of talking about his feelings.^{[4]
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Traumatic situations from childhood or even previous relationships can cause issues in the present day. If your partner has been hurt by people in the past, pulling away might be a defense mechanism to keep himself from getting hurt.^{[5]
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Many men feel insecure about themselves or have self-doubts. If your guy is starting to wonder how he can handle a new relationship or whether or not he will mess this one up, he may be pulling away as a form of self-sabotage.^{[6]
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EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

If he doesn't want to get intimate, that could be a sign of relationship anxieties. Someone who avoids having deep conversations or sharing romantic experiences just might not be ready for a relationship yet.
Similar to being scared to commit, some men are absolutely terrified at the idea of getting tied down. If your partner is someone who loves his freedom and doesn’t like to check in with you or answer your questions, he may be pulling away because of it.^{[7]
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Men sometimes feel pressured to do a lot within relationships, like provide for their partner or make them feel safe. If your man feels like your expectations are set very high, he might be worried that he can’t meet them, so he pulls away instead.^{[8]
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A fear of abandonment is very common in both men and women. It’s possible that this guy is super into you, and the thought of you leaving him scares him to death. He could be pulling away to take control over the situation and avoid getting hurt in the future.^{[9]
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Some men struggle with communicating their feelings, likely because of societal expectations (oftentimes, men are expected to be silent yet strong). This can make disagreements hard to handle. If you two have been arguing more lately, he may be pulling away because he’s worried about having more disagreements with you in the future.^{[10]
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Unfortunately, a guy might be pulling away from you because he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. While it’s not fair to you, sometimes men will pull away little by little instead of doing the right thing and breaking off the relationship.^{[11]
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Section 2 of 3:

What to Do When He Pulls Away

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Give him some space. It’s probably the opposite of what you want to do right now, but the best thing you can do for your relationship is to let your guy figure things out on his own. When you notice that he’s pulling away from you, take the hint and give him some space. This will give him time to think through his emotions and whatever he’s feeling.^{[12]
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- Reader Poll: We asked 2146 wikiHow readers, and 51% of them agreed that best way to reconnect with a guy who has pulled away is to give him space and wait for him to reach out. [Take Poll]
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Tell him you’re ready to talk when he is. Giving him space is great, but don’t go too far and give him the silent treatment. To continue the relationship, reach out and let him know that you’re here whenever he’s ready. That way, he feels safe knowing he can come back and talk to you when he’s figured everything out.^{[13]
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- “I can tell you want space, and I respect that. Let me know when you want to talk, and I’m here.”
- “I’m gonna give you your space for now. Reach out whenever you’re ready, okay?”
- If possible, schedule to have a conversation without distractions with him to figure out what is happening. During this conversation, ask if there's something that you need to help him and support him with whatever it is he may be dealing with.
- Having open communication with each other is extremely important. Whether you like what might come out of his mouth or not, it's important to be there and listen to view whatever is happening from his side.
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Busy yourself with friends and hobbies. We know, we know—all you want to do right now is check up on your man and see how he’s doing. To keep yourself distracted, dive into your personal life and reconnect with friends or discover new hobbies. That way, you aren’t devoting all of your time to thinking about your relationship or what your partner is doing.^{[14]
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- If you’re having a tough time, try talking to a trusted friend about it. Sometimes all you need is a listening ear to feel better.
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Talk to him when he’s ready. Rest assured that if you give your guy space and let him work through his emotions, he will come back to you. When he decides he’s ready to talk, welcome him with open arms and allow him to express himself. Let him know that you’re here for him, and while it was uncomfortable when he was distancing himself, you two can still have a healthy, thriving relationship.^{[15]
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- “I totally understand your fear of commitment—I feel the same way sometimes. I want you to know that if you’re having doubts like that in the future, I’d love it if we could talk through them together.”
- “I’m really glad you decided to open up to me about your past trauma. It helps me understand why you were pulling away and why having space is so important to you.”
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Go to couples counseling together. If your guy keeps pulling away and isn’t making much of an effort to come back, it’s time for professional help. Go to a couples counselor together to talk about your issues and learn the root cause of them. A counselor will be able to help you both communicate better and work through your emotions.^{[16]
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- Bring up the subject by saying something like, “I know you’re working through some things, and I want to give you your space. I think that a professional might be able to help us express ourselves and advocate for our wants and needs.”

Section 3 of 3:

Signs He’s Pulling Away

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If he used to respond within 2 or 3 minutes, now he might take an hour. The same thing goes for phone calls: maybe he always used to answer, but now he sends your calls to voicemail instead. These are indications that he doesn’t want to talk or is looking for excuses to spend time apart from you.^{[17]
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He spends more time with friends or on hobbies. Men will sometimes use other things in their life to excuse their hot and cold behavior. He might spend lots of time with his pals, or tell you that he’s hung up at work or on a new hobby. Remember: if he wanted to make time for you, he would.^{[18]
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- However, his “excuses” could be legitimate: maybe his work just got super busy, or a friend moved back into town that he hasn’t seen in a while.
He might leave you on “read” more often than usual, or claim that he didn’t get your text. This is his subtle way of letting you know that he doesn’t want to text as often, and is likely a sign that he’s pulling away.^{[19]
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Maybe you used to see each other twice a week, but now it’s dwindled down to twice a month. While it’s possible that he’s just really busy, it’s also a sign that he might be trying to pull away or distance himself from you.^{[20]
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