Why Is Dating So Difficult? 6 Possible Reasons and Solutions

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Uncovering what’s so different about modern dating

Written by John Keegan | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 24, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Why Modern Dating is So Difficult
|
• Overcoming Dating Obstacles
|
• Finding Dates
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• Expert Interview

|Show more |Show less

You may be single and ready to mingle, but sometimes, the dating scene can get you down. Don’t worry—you’re definitely not the only one dealing with burnout after lots of dates (or a lack of any dates at all). But why is dating so hard nowadays? And is there anything you can do to make it better? We’ve answered all your questions and more in our article below. Keep reading to get our expert tips on finding someone new and living happily ever after.

This article is based on an interview with our dating coach, John Keegan. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

• Many people find dating difficult because of the impersonal nature of dating apps and the sheer amount of potential dates to choose from.
• Dating can also be tough because it’s hard to figure out what other people want from the relationship (and if they’re being honest about that).
• To make dating less difficult, explain what you’re looking for upfront so you and your date are both on the same page from the get-go.

Steps

Section 1 of 3:

Why Modern Dating is So Difficult

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1. 1
   It’s tough to know what other people are looking for. When you go out on a date with someone, you probably know exactly what you want: maybe you’re looking for marriage material, or perhaps you’re just looking for a summer fling. Dating can get tricky when you meet someone who’s either unsure about what they want or isn’t upfront about their intentions. It can be very disappointing to catch feelings for someone only to find out your intentions are mismatched.

   • Have you ever gone on a couple of dates with someone and imagined your future together, only to find out they weren’t looking for anything serious? This disappointment can really taint your dating experience.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 563 wikiHow readers about what they wanted from their romantic life, and only 8% of people said they enjoyed periods of casual dating without building any lasting connections. [Take Poll] So if you’re frustrated with the dating scene, you’re not alone!
2. 2
   You may be putting pressure on yourself to find “the one.” A lot of people show up to a first date expecting to find the love of their life that they’re going to settle down with. But if it ends up being a so-so date (or a really bad one), that expectation can lead to a lot of disappointment.

   • There are no statistics on how many dates it takes to find your forever partner. However, common sense can tell us that the first person you go on a date with probably won’t be it.
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3. 3
   There are a lot of choices when it comes to potential dates. While having so many date options might seem like a good thing, the choices can be paralyzing. With dating apps, social media, and your social circle, you probably have endless potential suitors to choose from. The idea of picking one person out of all of those people is very daunting, and it can make the idea of dating seem even more frustrating.

   • This is why many Americans believe that dating is harder nowadays than it was 10 or 15 years ago.
4. 4
   Dating apps make the process impersonal. Ah, dating apps: some days you love them, some days you hate them. While apps certainly give you the ability to connect with other people, the impersonal nature of online dating can make finding a real connection difficult. Swiping right doesn’t exactly feel like you’re searching for your soulmate, does it?

   • Plus, dating apps can make us more shallow. Since we’re finding matches based on first impressions, we often say yes or no based on physical appearance rather than someone’s personality.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   John Keegan

   Dating Coach

   John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

   

   John Keegan
   Dating Coach

   Dating apps can distort our view of love. Dating apps promote endless options, casual relationships, and a tendency to continually swipe for something "better." To form meaningful connections, approach online dating with a positive mindset and invest time in getting to know someone beyond their online persona.
5. 5
   Social media gives us unrealistic expectations. We all know that people only post the good parts of their lives on social media. Even so, it can be discouraging to scroll through your newsfeed and see pictures of other couples living happily ever after. This fear of missing out (FOMO) on a happy relationship can put even more pressure on your dating life.

   • If social media posts tend to get you down, you’re not alone—1/3 of single people in America report that when happy couples post, they feel worse about themselves.
6. 6
   Staying safe while online dating can be a concern. With dating apps and social media use on the rise, it’s easier than ever to meet up with a stranger you might not know much about. Plus, online dating can lead to receiving unwanted explicit photos and messages or being catfished.

   • One study shows that 57% of women and 35% of men have experienced harassment while dating.
7. 7
   Some people ghost dates instead of saying goodbye. Ghosting, or the art of not responding to someone’s messages and never reaching out again, has become unfortunately normalized in today’s world. Instead of sending a final message thanking you for your time but declining another date, someone might just not respond at all. This behavior can leave you feeling confused and hurt, especially if you thought you had a real connection with this person.

   • It’s important to remember that when someone ghosts you, it says much more about them than it does about you.
8. 8
   Society expects you to settle down. Although this societal pressure is changing, many young people still feel it. We live in a heteronormative society that expects young adults to find a partner, buy a house, and have children. This can put a lot of pressure on you if you’re single or if you’re going down a different path.

   • Gender roles can also be a point of contention in modern dating. Some people really like to stick to traditional gender roles, while others want to pave their own way.
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Ready For A Relationship?

Relationships offer fun, comfort, and companionship, but how do you know when you’re ready to commit? By waiting until you’re truly ready, you’re allowing yourself to be the best partner possible. To find out if you’re finally ready for a relationship, take our quiz!

1 of 12

What do you look for in a partner?

Someone who brings joy to my life.

I guess I’m not sure yet?

Let me pull out my list. I have about 20 specific requirements.

As long as they’re hotter than my ex was, I’m good.

Next

Section 2 of 3:

Overcoming Dating Obstacles

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1. 1
   Explain what you’re looking for upfront. To avoid potential heartbreak or confusion later on, figure out what it is that you’re looking for and explain that to your dates. Some dating apps, like Hinge or Tinder, even have options on their profiles where you can put what you’re looking for in a relationship.

   • For instance, you might put “Looking for someone fun to hang out with” if you’re just seeking something casual.
   • If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you might tell a date, “I’m only looking to spend time with people who I can see a real future with.”
2. 2
   Go on dates with little expectations. When you head out to meet someone for the first time, don’t tell yourself that you’re meeting your future spouse. Instead, treat it like a budding friendship: go hang out, have fun, and learn more about each other. With all that weight off your shoulders, you might just find that you have a fun and relaxing time with your date.
3. 3
   Limit the number of dates you go on. When the whole world is your oyster, going on tons of dates can get overwhelming. Instead of saying yes to anyone who hits you up online or in person, ask yourself if you can truly see a happy future with them. This can help you narrow down your choices and not get stumped by the sheer number of single people that are out there to choose from.

   • For example, if you’ve had a fun text conversation with them and already know you have hobbies in common, it’s probably a good idea to ask them out.
   • But if you don’t know them much at all or you know there are incompatibilities there (what do you mean he hates dogs??!), then it’s probably not worth your time.
   • Take your potential date’s values into account, too. If your values are much different than theirs, it’s not likely you’ll have much long-term success together.
4. 4
   Limit the amount of time you spend on dating apps. Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder—oh my! With so many apps to pay attention to, it can feel like swiping right is a full-time job. If you’re exhausted from finding potential dates on your phone, give yourself a time limit to hit every day (or every week). That way, you won’t spend all your waking hours obsessing over your new potential romance.

   • You might give yourself 15 minutes of swipe time per day, or 1 hour per week.
   • If you’re using multiple dating apps, consider picking just one. Using multiple dating apps at a time can feel much more overwhelming.
5. 5
   Take a social media detox. No matter what social media app you’re on, it can become draining after a while. Give your brain a break by deleting the app from your phone or disabling your account. It doesn’t have to be forever—simply take a few days (or weeks) to see how you feel. If you love not having social media anymore, consider making the change permanent.

   • Not ready to give up social media quite yet? Try unfollowing accounts that make you feel bad.
6. 6
   Look up potential dates before going to meet them. Let’s say you found someone really sweet who wants to take you out next week. Before accepting, do a quick Google search of their name. Can you find their social media? Do they seem like a real person? Always carefully vet your dates before going out, and always tell a friend or family member where you’re going, when you’ll be back, and who you’re going with.

   • If you’re suspicious that your date is using fake photos, do a reverse Google search to see if the pictures are being used elsewhere. If they are, you may have just spotted a catfish.
7. 7
   Move on from people who ghost you. People who ghost dates they aren’t into anymore often do it to avoid confrontation. If someone you went on one or two dates with doesn’t text you back, simply chalk it up to experience and keep looking elsewhere. You owe it to yourself not to ruminate on people who don’t treat you with respect.

   • If someone you’ve been dating for a while (say, a few months) ghosts you, then it’s worth sending one last message to them.
8. 8
   Surround yourself with friends and family who support you. You don’t need anyone in your life to tell you how to live. Make sure that the people you spend your time with support you even if you want to stay single forever or you aren’t sure about having kids. That way, you can shrug off societal pressure and focus on making yourself happy.
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Section 3 of 3:

Finding Dates

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1. 1
   Join clubs and groups for activities that you enjoy. If you’re struggling to meet new people, look for groups of like-minded folks like yourself. Join hobby groups or sports clubs, then do your best to mingle with the people there. You never know who you might meet over a board game or a kickball match!

   • Try searching Facebook or your local Nextdoor page for groups and clubs near you.
2. 2
   Chat with people when you’re out and about. There are tons of stories of people meeting their partners at the grocery store or in line at a coffee shop. When you’re out, be open to talking to anyone around you. Make a comment on the scenery, give them a compliment, or simply introduce yourself. Then, see what happens!

   • At the DMV? Make a funny comment to the person next to you about how long you’ve been waiting (and will continue to wait).
   • Going for a walk in the park? Compliment a stranger’s dog and ask if you can pet them.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   John Keegan

   Dating Coach

   John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

   

   John Keegan
   Dating Coach

   Challenge yourself to build genuine connections through in-person interactions. Instead of spending time on superficial online interactions, try initiating meaningful conversations or meet in person with someone to build a deeper connection.
3. 3
   Work on yourself. Even if you’re putting yourself out there every day, working on yourself is still important. Ask yourself what kind of qualities you have that a potential date might appreciate, and whether or not you can build upon those skills or add more. Then, spend time learning new things, taking classes, or giving back to the community. You’ll have tons to talk about when you do eventually land a date.

   • You could learn a new language, pick up a new sport, or try out a new hobby.
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Join the Discussion...

Why am I still single?

23

WikiWombatCaster809

I'm in my late 20s and have never been in a serious relationship. I'm just tired and frustrated. I don't know where to meet people and I'm not go... Read More

8

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Being single doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong! Being single gives you a chance to really love yourself so that, when you're ultimately in... Read More

2

WikiWombatCaster809

Thanks, that's good advice. But I feel like it's not just me, all my friends are single too :( Why are we ALL single?... Read More

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