This article was co-authored by Erika Kaplan and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Bell. Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
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Does age really matter in relationships? Or is it just a number? If you’re interested in someone much older or younger than you are, you’re probably wondering if you can make the relationship work. The good news is, you can—as long as both of you are willing to put in the effort. We’ve done the research on relationship age gaps and have answered your questions on May-December romances below.
Steps
What is an acceptable age difference?
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Five to seven years is generally an acceptable age difference. However, there’s no single right answer here, as it depends on the situation. As long as both partners are consenting adults, there’s nothing preventing you from dating someone significantly older or younger than you are. What’s more important than age is your connection with the other person. That said, relationships in which one person is much older than the other can be judged by those around you, and that can be tough to deal with.[1]
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Large age gaps are more acceptable if both parties are older. If one person in the relationship is pretty young, people tend to disapprove. They might think that the older person is taking advantage of the younger person, or that the younger person is in the relationship to get something from the older person—usually money or status.[2]
- Can a 25-year-old date an 18-year-old? Legally, yes, but it might not be the best idea. You’re at pretty different stages in your life, which would make things difficult long-term.
- Additionally, if one person is younger than their mid-20s, their prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed, and that’s the part of the brain that controls impulses and rational thinking.[3]
- Is it OK for an older woman to date a younger man? Yes! It’s more common to see older men with younger women, but that doesn’t mean that older women can’t date younger men. You might have to deal with some less-than-ideal labeling (i.e. “cougar”), but there’s nothing wrong with dating a younger guy.
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It’s unacceptable—and usually illegal—to date a minor if you’re an adult. There are laws in place to protect children from sexual exploitation, and dating someone under the age of 18 if you’re older than 18 can result in pretty severe consequences. Large age gaps in teen relationships could be bad for the younger person, as well. For instance, a study showed that younger females with older partners were much more likely to engage in sexual intercourse than young females dating someone closer to their own age, which increases their risk of sexually transmitted infections as well as pregnancy.[4]
- In the U.S., the age of consent (when a person can legally consent to sex) is between 16 and 18, depending on the state.[5]
- Each state also defines a minimum age—ranging from 10 to 18—which prevents a person from legally consenting to sex if they are at or below that age.
- Some states also impose an age differential, which is the maximum age difference legally allowed between the two parties if one is younger than the age of consent but older than the minimum age. The age difference ranges from 2 to 5 years, depending on the state.
How can you have a healthy relationship with a big age difference?
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Treat each other with kindness and respect. To make your relationship last, you both have to be willing to put in the work. Respect each other’s opinions and boundaries, be honest with each other, and value each other for who you are.[11] Avoid trying to change your partner and be willing to compromise.[12]
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Support each other. It’s really important to make your partner feel heard and understood. Show your partner that you care about them, validate their feelings, and value them as a person. Really listen to what they have to say, cheer them on when they succeed, and lift them up when they’re struggling.[13]
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Resolve problems constructively. Every couple is going to face problems—what matters is how you handle them. When things get heated, take some time to cool off so you don’t say or do something you’ll regret. When you’re ready to discuss the issue (and this is a must—no sweeping it under the rug), use “I” statements to explain how you feel instead of blaming your partner. Focus on the issue at hand, rather than bringing up issues from the past, and work together to find a resolution or compromise that you can both live with.[14]
Attract and Date an Older Man with this Expert Series
Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat's the most important thing when it comes to making a relationship with a big age gap work?Erika KaplanErika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
MatchmakerFinding your shared values is absolutely essential. The things you have in common are key, and bonding over those core beliefs is really important when it comes to the longevity of a relationship. -
QuestionHow can I attract a guy who is a little older than me?Erika KaplanErika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
MatchmakerLean into your more mature and independent side. Showing people that you're confident and comfortable in your skin is really a big component of this. Also, you have to position yourself in social circles so that you're around people slightly older than you.
Video
Tips
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202104/how-much-does-age-matter-in-relationship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3621648/
- ↑ https://www.guttmacher.org/journals/psrh/2002/11/sexual-intercourse-and-age-difference-between-adolescent-females-and-their
- ↑ https://aspe.hhs.gov/reports/statutory-rape-guide-state-laws-reporting-requirements-1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201908/why-many-young-women-prefer-to-date-older-men
- ↑ https://www.colorado.edu/today/2017/08/03/spousal-age-gap-affects-marriage-satisfaction-over-time
- ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/older-men-dating-younger-women
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201706/are-some-women-who-date-older-men-seeking-a-father-figure
- ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
- ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2891543/
- ↑ https://www.amherst.edu/campuslife/health-safety-wellness/counseling/self_care/healthy_relationships/10_tips_for_health_realtionships