How to Rekindle Your Sex Life as a Long-Term Couple

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Rebuild emotional connection and bring back sexual chemistry

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: October 11, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Communicating More Effectively
|
• Being Spontaneous
|
• Trying New Things
|
• Warnings

|Show more |Show less

In long-term relationships, the spark you once felt in the beginning can fade over time. You and your partner may have settled into a more intimate and comfortable life together, and that's great! Great sex, however, is also important to the intimacy and closeness you feel in your relationship. If you feel that your professional life, family responsibilities, or stress have caused you to lose the spark in your sex life, don't worry. You can turn it around with a little effort! Start rekindling your sex life by communicating more, being spontaneous, and trying new things.

Rekindling Your Sex Life

• Build emotional intimacy with your partner by discussing your feelings and your relationship needs to pave the way for stronger sexual chemistry.
• Increase your non-sexual physical affection and talk about sex regularly to increase your chemistry and make sex a normal part of your life.
• Talk about your fantasies and turn-ons so you can experiment in bed and try new things to make your sexual experiences more unpredictable and fun.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating More Effectively

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1. 1
   Talk to your partner about your sex life. Communication is essential for a healthy sex life. When you want to get that spark back in your life, the easiest first step is to talk to your partner more often. It may help in the beginning to have an open and honest conversation together about your sex life. Try and determine what might have led to the spark fading. Once you understand some of the causes, you can begin to find solutions for them. Consider factors like the following.

   • A preoccupation with other responsibilities or life events
   • Emotional rifts in your relationship
   • Health crises
   • A natural decline due to age
   • Reader Poll: We asked 687 wikiHow readers what they’d do if they noticed a lack of sexual chemistry in their relationship, and 49% of them agreed that they would initiate a conversation with their partner to address the issue. [Take Poll]
2. 2
   Set aside time to talk. It can be easy to get into bad habits or routines such as watching TV during dinner, or looking through your phone before you go to sleep. Change up your routine and instead use this time to talk about your relationship or your sex life. Focus on connecting with each other and being present in the moment. While you're talking, make sure you talk about each other's sexual preferences so you know how to spice up the bedroom experience. This is vital if you want your sex to get better. Here are some things you can try:

   • Make evening meals a chance to discuss what you want for your future. Try turning off the TV and lighting some candles instead.
   • Choose one night a week to designate as date night with your partner.
   • Write love letters to each other and read them before bed.
3. 3
   Increase emotional intimacy. Intimacy means more than just having sex. You can increase intimacy through conversation, sharing experiences, and developing trust. All of this helps show your partner that you love them and want to rekindle your spark. It will also help you be present in your relationship and your sex life as well. Take the time to focus on each other in ways you may have not been able to in a while. For example, you might:

   • Face each other and make eye contact when you are talking or while silent.
   • Be silly and share laughter together.
   • Ask each other deeper questions about hopes, dreams, and memories. For example, "What is your most treasured memory?" or "What are your dreams for your life?"
4. 4
   Talk about sexual turn-ons and fantasies. As your relationship progresses, what you find attractive may change. You and your partner might be operating under the turn-ons and turn-offs from earlier in your relationship. You also might not have discussed them in a long time. Take the time now to have a romantic conversation about what lights the spark and what puts it out. Talking about it beforehand will also set the stage for being more open, talkative, and maybe even directive during sex. Here are some ways to get started:

   • Recall the best sex you've had together and tell your partner what you liked about it.
   • Talk about any fantasies you have or something you've always wanted to try.
   • Talk about turn-ons and turn-offs. Try starting the conversation with, "We haven't talked about this in a while, and I'm curious. What turns you on? Is there anything that's a big turn-off?"
   • If you are nervous, try taking turns listing your turn-ons and turn-offs with your partner.
   • If you are struggling to determine what turns you on now, try and reconnect with some turn-ons from earlier in your relationship and see if they still work.
   • If you or your partner are still not sure, have a night where you both focus on just one partner and find out what your turn-ons are.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Spontaneous

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1. 1
   Touch each other non-sexually more often. Rekindling the spark in your sex life involves adding a bit of excitement back into your relationship. With the stress, responsibilities, and familiarity in your relationship, maybe you and your partner don't touch as much throughout the day. Don't wait until you are behind closed doors or until you have the desire to have sex to touch one another. Touching more often increases intimacy and shows your partner that you desire them.

   • Hug each other for longer than usual.
   • Hold hands.
   • Give your partner a neck massage.
   • Playfully brush against them or whisper in their ear.
2. 2
   Try sexting. Being spontaneous will often involve adding new things suddenly to add excitement. Try sexting, which involves sending a sexy picture of yourself or a suggestive comment to your partner via cell phone. Keep your partner excited about what is to come and discover new sides of each other. Sexting can be new, exciting, and can open sexual communication between you and your partner.
3. 3
   Take a trip. It is common to wait for special occasions or family vacations to take trips with your partner. That's not a bad thing, but it also doesn't give you and your partner the excitement of feeling like you're running away together. Plan a small trip for a few days for the two of you, just because. This will allow both of you to relax, unwind, and get more time to be with each other.

   • Go to a nearby romantic cabin for a weekend.
   • Take a short road trip without hotel reservations.
   • Plan a quick getaway to the closest beach or island.
4. 4
   Have spontaneous sex. To add a little fire to your sex life, try stealing your partner away from what they are doing for spontaneous sex wherever you can. Depending on where you are this might include having sex in the kitchen, in the car, or even in an elevator.

   • You can also try having sex at a time that you normally would not, such as in the afternoon.
   • The spontaneity will help spice things up and the risk of being “caught” will add to the excitement. This can also increase the urge to have sex in both you and your partner.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Trying New Things

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1. 1
   Dress differently. One quick and easy way to stir things up is to change the way you dress. This can include items you wear during the day to work or out to social activities, as well as what you wear in the bedroom or to sleep at night. Wear clothes that energize you and that you feel attractive in, as well as clothes that you know your partner likes.

   • Buy new lingerie that makes you feel attractive and pampered.
   • Surprise your partner by being skimpily dressed or naked when they return from work or get out of the shower.
   • If you are used to wearing more baggy clothes, try something a little more form-fitting so your partner can enjoy getting to see your shape.
2. 2
   Create a romantic atmosphere. At the beginning of your relationship, you may have tried setting the stage for romance. Get back to that excited feeling you had while dating and create a romantic atmosphere for you and your partner. Putting in the effort will show your partner you are committed to increasing intimacy and reconnecting. Try the following to add a little more romance into your time together.

   • Have soft, warm, and low light by dimming lamps or using candles.
   • Play slow, romantic, or sexy music to set the mood.
   • Stimulate the senses with scented candles, perfume, or room scents.
3. 3
   Do activities together. Changing up your routine and doing things together allows you to step out of your comfort zone, adds excitement, and increases intimacy in your relationship. Try something altogether new, or take a normal task that you would typically do alone and complete it together.

   • Shower together and apply soap or shampoo to each other. If you are feeling bold, have sex in the shower together.
   • Exercise together. Exercise is not only beneficial for your health but also increases blood flow and improves flexibility for both you and your partner.
   • Get competitive with an activity like tennis, rock climbing, or even with games at an arcade.
4. 4
   Try phone sex. If you or your partner travel frequently or often spend time apart, trying some of the other suggestions may be difficult. Instead, try and explore any connections you have available, such as phone sex. Phone sex can be challenging, but it can also increase your communication and connection with your partner. It can additionally provide you with the opportunity to talk about fantasies or things you might be nervous about trying in person. Try the following:

   • Start by talking to your partner over the phone about routine activities while they're at work or away from home. Do this in small bits through the course of the day.
   • Occasionally, add in some hints about how you are dressed at the moment or what thought just crossed your mind about your partner.
   • Have longer conversations about fantasies that you have with your partner.
   • Read erotica out loud together.
5. 5
   Incorporate food into your sexual encounters. Another suggestion for being spontaneous and trying something new can be to add food to your sex life. It sounds messy, but using food can be very arousing for you and your partner. Consider foods that are aphrodisiacs, or foods that cause an arousing physiological response, such as dark chocolate. Think of new and interesting ways to incorporate food into your time with your partner.

   • Bring their favorite dessert and feed it to them.
   • Try strawberries, cream, and champagne for a pampered luxurious vibe.
   • Get creative with edible body paint.
6. 6
   Engage in role-play. Try to make sex a different experience every time you have it by trying role-play. Role-play is simply the act of taking on a role, pretending to be other people, or pretending to be somewhere you are not. It allows you to bring excitement into your relationship, try things you haven't before, and get a little wild if you want. Heres are some ideas:

   • Pretend to be a masseuse and client. Act like you do not know each other and are meeting for the first time for your client's massage appointment.
   • Try being a magician's assistant. It might involve blindfolds, handcuffs, or scarves.
   • Discover power play. Start with little playful fights while in bed, ending in you overpowering your partner or vice versa. If you are comfortable, try giving one partner total control.
   • Agree on sessions where, during an agreed-upon amount of time, you or your partner gets to be "spoiled," or ask for whatever they want, within both of your comfort zones.
   

   Emily Morse, Author & Sex Therapist

   Be open to experimentation. "Even if you're having amazing sex on a regular basis, the key to maintaining it is to switch up your sexual repertoire. Start by thinking of a few things you've always wanted to try but have been too shy, too busy or too stressed to actually put into action."

Become a Better Lover with this Expert Series

Ready to become the best lover you can be? We've put together this expert series to help you spice things up in the bedroom and foster romance in your relationship.

1

Become a Better Lover

2

Spice Things Up in the Bedroom

3

Make Love Last

4

11 Ways to Make a Woman Feel Loved and Secure

5

Be a Better Boyfriend

6

How to Become a More Romantic Man

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Warnings

• Whatever you decide to do, make sure that both you and your partner discuss it beforehand and are comfortable with giving it a try.
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