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Experts give advice on slowing things down with your partner
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When you’re first starting a new relationship, taking things slowly is a great way to protect your heart and meet the right person for you. Fortunately, there are tons of people out there (like you!) who want to take things slow and get to know their partner more to form a deep, intimate connection before committing. If you’re ready to set your boundaries and control the pace of your relationship, keep reading: we’ve got all the tips you’ll need to go slowly with your partner.

Things You Should Know

  • Set your boundaries early on, and be honest about what you’re comfortable with, like not labeling the relationship or waiting to have sex.
  • Learn more about your partner by asking fun questions, like, “What’s your happiest childhood memory?” or, “What are your career goals?”
  • Plan fun, casual dates, like picnics or bike rides, to avoid putting pressure on the relationship.
1

Find a partner with your same priorities.

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  1. Your choice of partner is the most important factor in practically any relationship. However, when you're set on taking a relationship slowly, it's even more important than normal. Look for someone who can respect your choice to limit your intimacy.[1] This should be a person who isn't only focused on the physical aspects of a relationship. You want someone who's more interested in your thoughts than your body.[2]
    • You can find people who meet these criteria anywhere. However, you may have the most success if you try places where people like this are likely to gather.
    • For example, since many religions teach that sex before marriage should be avoided, you may find good potential partners in religious youth groups or places of worship.
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2

Set boundaries with the person you're dating early on.

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  1. Set physical boundaries early on. Be clear and explicit about what you are (and aren't) comfortable with. It can be alarming if your physical limits come as a surprise to your partner in the "heat of the moment," so take the opportunity to be up-front before you start getting affectionate.[3] Also discuss what you’re comfortable with emotionally or how serious you’d like to get.
    • Say something like, “Just so you know, it’s important that I wait until marriage before having sex.”
    • Or, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now, but I’d really love to keep seeing each other casually.”
    • Or, “I really like you, but I’d prefer if we didn’t have sex until we’re in an exclusive relationship.”
    • Don't be afraid to tell your partner "no" if they get too "touchy-feely" for you. If your partner won't listen to repeated warnings, have a serious discussion about respecting your boundaries.
3

Hang out only a few times a week.

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4

Go on casual, fun dates.

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5

Flirt with your partner.

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  1. Just because you're taking things slow doesn't mean your relationship has to be boring. Keep things exciting by learning how to flirt and putting your knowledge into practice. With a little effort, your relationship can be a source of great passion, even if you're waiting to get intimate.[6]
    • For instance, you might compliment your partner or tell them how good they look with a saucy wink.
    • Or, you might give them a back rub or touch them on the arm when you’re sitting next to them.
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6

Learn more about your significant other.

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7

Spend time apart.

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  1. Since you trust your partner to respect your pace for the relationship, trust your partner when they aren’t with you. Don't try to restrict your partner's time with friends, family, or other people who are important to them. Give your partner enough space to have some alone time when they want it.[8] Remember that respect is a two-way street.
    • When you’re taking a relationship slowly, you probably won’t see your partner every day. Get comfortable with that, and make peace with the fact that your partner has their own life outside of the relationship.
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8

Don’t label the relationship.

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  1. Defining the relationship is definitely important, but it can speed up your partnership, especially early on. If you really want to take things slow, don’t give each other labels or call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”[9]
    • You can still be exclusive if you want, but it’s possible to be in an exclusive relationship without labels.
    • For instance, you might say, “I’ve been having a lot of fun getting to know you, but I don’t want to label our relationship just yet. I’d like to wait and feel it out for a couple more weeks before I’m ready to make that commitment.”
9

Wait to meet your partner’s family.

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  1. While it might be convenient to visit your partner’s parents on a road trip or see their family on vacation, that doesn’t mesh with a relationship you’re trying to take slowly. There’s no specific timeline for how long you need to wait, but try to avoid meeting your partner’s family until you’re sure you want to be in a long-term, committed relationship with them.[10]
    • Explain this to your partner by saying something like, “I’m sure your family is wonderful, and I’ll definitely want to meet them eventually. I think I’d be more comfortable if I waited until we’ve been dating for at least a year.”
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10

Define your relationship by how happy you are.

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  1. The things you've done with your partner, especially when it comes to physical affection and sex, aren't measures of how "good" your relationship is. At this stage, the most important thing is how you and your partner feel. If you both enjoy each others' company, you're affectionate, and you have open, caring attitudes towards each other, you're doing fine.[11]
    • Keep in mind that not everyone will agree with this. Some people have different priorities for their relationships. It's OK to disagree with these people. If you're happy with your relationship, you don't need to let them pressure you into things you're not comfortable with.
11

Talk to your partner before taking things to the next level.

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  1. Communication is vital to any relationship, but it's even more important when you're taking it slow.[12] Discuss the boundaries of your relationship often to make sure you’re both still comfortable with them. If there are any concerns from either side, talk things out and listen to each other respectfully.[13]
    • For instance, maybe your partner would like to move in together, but you’re not ready yet. Let your partner know that while you’re committed to this relationship, you need to feel more secure before you take that next step.
    • Have this conversation carefully and gently, especially if you’re telling your partner to pump the brakes. Check in with yourself first to understand what you want, then tell your partner clearly and calmly.[14]
    • It’s fine to compromise with your partner, but don’t be afraid to stand your ground. If your partner is asking you to do something that you’re not comfortable with, feel free to tell them no.
    EXPERT TIP
    John Keegan

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Strong relationships prioritize open communication. Are you both looking for the same things in the long-term? Do you have compatible goals and lifestyles? These are important questions to consider and discuss as you make sure you're both on the same page.

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12

Keep the end goal for your relationship in mind.

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  1. It's a good idea to have an idea of where you want your relationship to be eventually, even if you're not there yet. You can gradually work towards this goal, making week-by-week progress as you take small steps toward it. If you don't have an end in mind for your relationship, it can be harder to justify your slow pace to a partner.[15]
    • If you are a teen or pre-teen, having an end goal of "spending lots of time being affectionate with each other" is fine. There's no need to worry about "the L word" or marriage for a long time.
    • If you're older, it's wise to know whether you plan to end up married, cohabiting, having children, and so on. This makes it easier to find a partner who's right for you (and get rid of ones who aren't). Plus, most adults who are willing to wait a long time to become physically intimate are interested in marriage or life-long relationships.
13

Take the relationship as slow as you want.

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  1. Being in a relationship should make you feel good (most of the time). If you find yourself frequently stressing out about whether or not you should take things to the next level, relax. These changes will happen naturally after you've decided that you're ready and you have discussed them with your partner. They aren't "checkboxes" to mark off as quickly as possible on the way to a "real" relationship.[16]
    • If you suspect that your partner is unhappy with how slowly the relationship is progressing, have a serious conversation about it. It's best to address these problems head-on rather than pretending that they do not exist.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    When should you open up to a new partner?
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Not having your heart completely open, and being able to walk away from a relationship, is actually a healthy thing until the right time—when your partner has proven to you through a track record of trust and respect. Then, you can fully open up.
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Tips

  • Don't buy into the idea that taking things slow sabotages your relationship before it even begins. Believe it or not, waiting to have sex or live together can significantly improve the long-term potential of a relationship.[17]
  • Not ready to go on one-on-one dates with someone yet? Try group dates, which take the pressure to be interesting and conversational off of you for the entire outing.


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Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Erika Kaplan.

About This Article

Erika Kaplan
Co-authored by:
Matchmaker
This article was co-authored by Erika Kaplan and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29. This article has been viewed 234,406 times.
8 votes - 88%
Co-authors: 15
Updated: July 4, 2024
Views: 234,406
Article SummaryX

Worried about moving too fast in a relationship? When you meet someone you’re interested in dating, make sure their priorities are similar to yours. For example, let them know early on that you don’t want to get intimate right away, or that you’re just interested in dating casually and you aren’t ready to start a serious, committed relationship. Be clear and specific about your boundaries. For instance, you can say something like, “I don’t want to have sex until we’re in an exclusive relationship.” Start by hanging out just a few times a week, and keep your early dates fun and casual instead of fancy and expensive. Focus on getting to know your partner before you do anything more serious, like meeting their family or putting a label on the relationship. For more advice from our co-author, including how to enjoy affectionate outings at your own pace, scroll down!

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