Not sure how to get over a breakup. How do I move on?
Hi all. My ex and I broke up 3 months ago, but I'm still not over it. I feel just as raw today as I did on the day it happened. I feel angry, really hurt, and still very very confused as to what happened, what went wrong, why did things fall apart? In some ways I feel even angrier than I did then because I'm angry at myself for still being so upset and not being able to move on. How do you stop hurting from a breakup? What am I doing wrong here?
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Expert Answers
Feeling sad and missing your ex after a breakup is natural, and research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade over about six months to two years. Mourning the loss of a relationship can feel much like grieving someone who has passed away. Healing from heartbreak is not one linear line. After a heartbreak, your body is in a state of shock. The person you were used to talking to, cuddling with, bickering with, having sex with — is no longer there. The loss will feel lonely and scary, and from a scientific standpoint, you're no longer getting your doses of dopamine and oxytocin (feel-good chemicals) from your partner. While on a logical level, your mind tells you it's over, your body is craving the chemical fix, which causes the urge to get back together, contact the ex, stalk your ex's social media, or text them. A breakup can feel traumatizing, and it's normal to take time to grieve, process, and get back to equilibrium.
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Reader Answers
I'm so sorry about your breakup. Please know that you're not doing anything wrong here. Breakups can hurt and sometimes they just take time to heal. As best as you can, be kind to yourself. Even through all the pain, anger, and confusion, make an effort to get enough sleep, nourish your body, and otherwise take care of your health. Also, if you have friends or family you're close to, know that it's an option to lean on them for some emotional support. They will understand and will want to help you. I hope you're able to move on soon!
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I also found myself still hurting months after my relationship ended. I think the problem for me was that I still tried to be friends with him. I was still seeing him here and there and that wasn't great for my mental health. When I finally brought myself to stop meeting up with him and blocked him on social media and got rid of his belongings, I was able to start the healing process. It'll be hard to completely cut off contact with your ex, but that might be what you need to move on.
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I was with a girl for 3 years before we broke up, so I took it really hard. Luckily, I was able to find a therapist who helped me work through all my feelings. If you have the means to see a therapist regularly, I would highly recommend it. It was absolutely worth it for me. I think that without a therapist, it would have taken me so much longer to heal.
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